Day 33...torn

Feb 21

For the past couple weeks, I've been brewing a scheme in my head (and heart) and didn't know how to approach Eli with it. I assumed he would object, and just not even hear me out, based on it being a money issue (even though I had worked that part of it out.) I've been praying for the right words to say to him...and I may have had the right words....but I don't believe my delivery of those words were all that good.

He didn't exactly object....and I told him from the start I just wanted to put the idea out there for now, we didn't have to talk about it too in depth for now. He threw me out of whack by not even mentioning the money part of it...and I think his feelings were genuinely hurt with the whole suggestion in the first place...which also really threw me.

At first, I was kind of angry about his hurt feelings. I didn't show that to him, he had gone to bed and I was sitting and stewing. I thought, "he is just being controlling and manipulative." He should think about how it is for me....

I should clarify before I go on.

My grand scheme, is to go down to San Diego, with Martyn for two or three weeks in March. I have the time and the money to do it. I'm also going for a weekend in June.

Back to me being angry...

I thought, I never get to see my mom and family and friends who live down there...two weeks should be nothing! (Part of what threw me was that his counter was "why not just one week?")

In all this, he really did seem like it hurt him to think of us (Martyn and I) being gone for two weeks.

After thinking about it more, and stopping the "stewing" , I realized that I may not get to see my family who lives far away very often....but Martyn will only be this age once. Eli already feels like he misses so much on his work days. Every night when he comes home, he goes on about how much Martyn has changed in just 12 hours.

I talk about how much I am in love with this little boy....I have to remember that Eli is just as in love with him as I am...but he doesn't get the chance to express it as much as I do...and he's still learning how to do that.

I'm not mad at him for not understanding my need to take our son and see my family who lives far away. I still want to go, but we will see. There needs to be a minimal amount of hurt involved.

I'm feeling torn by needing to see my family and introduce my son while he is still small....and my husbands feelings. Martyn is his son too.

I think we both need a bit more understanding.