Feb 16
It makes perfect sense for Martyn to be clingy. He is only 28 days old. That's a short month's time...4 weeks technically.
I don't mind that he has been clingy the last few days, except that I'm sick and I'm leery of him catching my cold. I know he's more protected than I, because he's exclusively breast feeding, but still...I'm a mama, what can I say, I worry about my boy.
When Eli comes home at night, he's so excited to have some daddy/baby time with Martyn, and most of the time (tonight for instance) Martyn is totally fine with that...for a little while, then he just wants me to hold him. Even after he's fed and burped and changed, and content....after a certain point, he just will not calm down unless mama is the one doing the calming. It kind of hurts Eli's feelings. I told him it's normal for little babies this young to prefer their mamas over their daddies, so don't have hurt feelings...I don't know if he took that to heart or not.
I actually like that Martyn wants to be held and snuggled. In the day time when he's awake, he's just so aware and alert looking around at things, looking at me, listening to my voice. I love it!
He is just so amazing to me. I love watching him.
This may be a topic of rant for me for a while until I figure out a solution or just give up....I really want to be a stay at home mom for the time being. I can't stand the thought of leaving my son in some one else's care, even for just a couple days a week....and I hate to admit it, but even in Eli's care for the rest of the week. I think Eli would do fine after a little while, but it would be a real challenge for him to have sole care of our son three to four days a week. He's so new at all of this....and it seems to just come more naturally to mama than it does to daddy.
At first, I thought there was no way I'd be willing to take in another baby during the week....but now after thinking on it more, I could totally do it. I'd rather take in another infant like Martyn....I probably should talk to my husband about that. But I was doing some figuring today about the cost of not going back to work, and staying home and taking in another child, even part time during the week. If I could do that, it would pretty much equal out, considering what we would have to pay for in child care. I don't want to just trade dollars....work outside of home, for daycare expenses....I've never understood why moms choose to do that when they have the option to stay home. I know a lot of moms, such as myself, don't have the option to stay home....I'm trying to make it a valid option for our family.
I can't stop thinking about becoming a midwife. That's part of the reason I decided I should move forward with that idea. I've just been mulling over different options, and looking things up on the Internet today, and talking to a few people. I really want to be able to stay home with my baby, and go to school but the only viable way of doing those at the same time is to take out student loans, or get grant money, or both. Student loans, though are considered 'good debt' by many, are still debt in my mind. Though, if I were to take out student loans, I would only do it with great purpose in mind. I have no intention of going back to school just to go to school. That's ridiculous.
What concerns me is that I've not been in school for 10 years, and I've never gone to college....it wouldn't be going 'back' to school....it would be starting college for the first time, at almost 30 years old, with a little child to care for...that's a pretty huge load to carry. I think I could do it though. I'm pretty determined to make it work.
Here's hoping.
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