day 40...OMG

Feb 28

I can't believe Martyn is 40 days old already! The time has just flown by....it really has.

Today was so nice.

We got up much earlier than normal, around 8:30 or so, and just took it easy all day. I figured Martyn would go back to sleep pretty shortly after we got up and I nursed him, and I was so right! I took advantage of the early nap, and super rainy day to cozy up with the boy sleeping soundly on my chest, on the couch, and read a book I've been trying to read, but just haven't found the time slot for it yet.

I got so wrapped up in it, that before I knew it, it was almost noon! I thought, I'd better get up and eat some lunch and get the dishes going....since that was pretty much my one thing on my list to do today. I had thought about going over to work, and showing off the boy...it's been long enough now. But I decided against that, since it was the last day of the month, and a short month to boot, and at the time I was considering that this morning, it was snowing....the snow turned into pouring rain again shortly. Last day of the short month would equate to super busy chaos at work...so I opted for tomorrow perhaps.

I love spending time with my son. I love seeing his little smile, which is happening more and more now...it just melts my heart every time, and I think "wow, I love this boy so much!" Even when he's fussy and cranky, which also seems to happen more often, he's still just the cutest thing ever! I wish that Eli could spend this much time with him. I'm looking forward to the day that Eli will get to spend more quality time with Martyn, and they'll both be able to enjoy it.

Last night, my poor boy, who had been fighting sleep off and on for probably two hours before bed time, simply would not go to sleep, or be consoled. I don't think he was having gas, I don't think anything was wrong with his belly, or physically. He was so tired, and just would not go to sleep. At one point, I just gave up trying to console him, and let him cry while I dozed for a few minutes, with him laying on my chest in bed...He finally let up and went to sleep around 1am.

I think our schedule just got thrown way off yesterday. So I had decided we were going to get up early (ish) and have a better day today. At least when he finally went to sleep, he slept for 4 hours straight, woke up a 5am almost on the dot and I nursed him in bed and he went back to sleep for another 3 hours straight. It was a much better day today.

I learning the value of a schedule....we're going to start trying to get on one, ha! Here's hoping.

Day 39...what a blessing

Feb 27

Right now, my little son is laying happily in my lap as I type this. Actually, he's squirming away, just flailing his little arms all over, and kicking his feet like crazy....but he's very happy. He should be asleep, or at least acting sleepy...which he was a half hour ago....for what ever reason, he's just happy as a lark, and content to lay across my lap (and arm, which he's cutting the circulation off in) and flail all of his extremities to his hearts delight.

Earlier this afternoon, we had some more visitors, Grammie and Great Auntie Ruth and Great uncle Jerry. Martyn is always a good little visitor, and was awake for a bit, but then fell asleep and was content to be passed back and forth, while asleep. Ruth gave me a card when they left, and I didn't open it for a couple hours after that. It had a certificate for a savings bond they had purchased for Martyn inside the card.

What a great gift, and wonderful idea! I felt so blessed, I could hardly wait for Eli to get home so I could show it to him.

That got me thinking about how so many people in our lives have blessed us...in our marriage, as a couple....and now as new parents. Martyn is loved dearly by so many already...a lot of people who haven't even met him yet....which fills my heart with joy. This little boy has already brought much joy and happiness to many, and he's not even 6 weeks old yet!

I love that there is no question if he will feel loved, and more than just feel loved, know that he's surrounded by people who love him and care about him, and his well being. People care about his future, and they don't even know him yet....that to me, is one of the greatest blessings I could think of.

That gives me hope, that he will learn to be a kind and caring man when he grows up. Even before that, just learn to be kind and caring. For some people, that does not come naturally, and they really have to work at it. I hope that's not the case for my son. I hope he learns from a young age, that it's good to love people...to look out for the best interest of others.

I'm looking forward to teaching him that.

Day 38...a better day

Feb 26

Today was much better as far as fussy pants goes. I feel like we were able to get stuff accomplished too. It's nice to have a 'to do' list, and check things off of it as you go. It also helps that Martyn was feeling better today as well.

One of the things on Eli's to do list, my 'honey do' list, was bring in fire wood, both into the house and into the garage. He did this very enthusiastically as the first thing on his list for the day. So once again, I have a house full of wood, and a garage partly full of wood, and will be making fires during the afternoons I'm home...it's been very cold lately and I know my stupid gas bill is going to be through the roof....just like all the heat in this house.

With that in mind, one of the big things on my to do list/honey do list was to re-arrange the living room, so that the main heat vent was more open. We traded places with the couch and desk, and I can already tell a difference in the warmth in the living room, having that vent unblocked by the couch...it may also feel warmer to me too, having moved the recliner to the other side of the room away from the door and windows, which are both really drafty. Either way, I feel SO much warmer, which is great!

So yesterday I was in the process of purchasing my tickets to go to San Diego, both in March in a couple weeks, and in June for Nicole's wedding. Before I had actually purchased anything, the thought occurred to me that I should look up the rules for flying with an infant. One of the things they said was that I would have to show his birth certificate to prove his age basically...and I thought, 'hmm, I haven't received his birth certificate yet..."

So I called the birth center, and found out I had to order it myself. They just send in the information that you fill out at the birth, but they don't order it for you because you have to pay for it. I remember them telling me that when I was there, but I totally spaced it. I thought it was funny that I received his S.S. card already, but didn't have his birth certificate yet. So I ordered one right away.

After thinking about it, I could have just taken his S.S. card down to the S.S office and gotten it right then, but oh well...I already ordered it online. It should be here next week.

It seems strange to me, that I'm in charge of obtaining and holding I.D. documents for this little person. At some point in his life, I will have to hand over those documents and he will be responsible for maintaining them himself...but until then, I'm responsible for them...for his identity. That's such a weird thought.

A friend suggested I apply for a passport for him right now, so we have a solid form of I.D. for him this young, not a bad idea I think. Also, we may want to take a road trip to Canada at some point...haha!

I enjoyed in the middle of the day, a nice long leisurely nap with Martyn, while Eli walked the dog and did some other errands he needed to do. I had strange, half asleep dreams though. I often feel like I should get things done around the house while Martyn sleeps during the day, but I'm learning those are the best times to get caught up on sleep that I didn't get the night before...and last night was a rough night for mama.

Martyn's baby acne is finally looking better (I think anyway) but it's a little dry and peely now...which in a way looks worse. I know it doesn't hurt him, but I'm so ready for it to be gone. I'm glad to see his hair is still red, and it's looking more and more like he's going to have brown eyes like me. I think he's going to be very handsome when he's older, but then again I'm pretty biased.

Day 37...Captin fussy pants

Feb 25

My goodness Martyn has been fussy today!

This is the first full day that he's just been cranky and fussy and nearly inconsolable during his awake times. I'm so glad Eli was off today to help me with him. I'm not frustrated to the point of tears or anything like that....but it's hard when he's fussy and I've done all the normal stuff that soothes him....feed him? check...change him? check...make sure he's warm? check...cuddle him? check....change of scenery? check...change of position? check....feed him again? check.

I mean the whole day went on like this. He's still a little congested and stuffy. It really only flares up when he's all fussy, most of the time, he can breath just fine. This morning was the only exception to his fussiness....we had some nice family wake up time, where after I got up and changed him and brought him back to bed, all three of us were awake and had some time to cuddle and talk to each other in the cozy bed, with the sun shining in the window.

We went on a little outing to do some errands this afternoon and Martyn slept the whole time....he was asleep pretty much from the moment I buckled the straps in the car seat....which was nice, Eli and I had been waiting for him to fall asleep all morning so we could have some much needed time with each other.

It's frustrating to no be able to comfort my son...even more so, I have no idea what his problem was. He would calm down, and then just be kind of whiny off and on for hours on end. He doesn't have a fever...I just don't get it.

He would be awake and alert and looking at things and interested in things, or engaged with either Eli or me, and then all of a sudden start crying/whining....and then get all worked up all over again.

Thankfully, Eli was here. A little while ago Martyn was just fussing fussing fussing in my lap. I had gone through all the calming stuff and had just given up for a minute and was rocking him and patting him gently, which helped a little...I leaned my head back on the recliner and just sighed. Eli was sitting at the computer and heard me, and turned around and said very gently to me, "want me to take a turn?" What a wonderful husband! I handed the baby over to him, and what do you know, he quieted down...for a little while. But that was better than nothing.

Right now, Martyn is sleeping on my chest....which as of late seems to be pretty much the only way to get him to sleep, or just calm....which often ends up with him sleeping.

*sigh*

I'm learning. I still love being a mama. It's still my joy to deal with these kinds of things with Martyn, and I'm so glad I have such a wonderful husband and partner in Eli...

I'm beat. This has been a rough day, though I feel like we got a lot accomplished. It was cold, and bright and sunny and beautiful though. It's been a hard, but good day.

Day 36...snow day

Feb 24

We're supposed to be having this big winter storm....it only amounted to a few inches of snow...still managed to shut all the schools in Portland down though.

I was glad not to have to go out and drive anywhere, even though the snow was all off the roads by 11am.

It was kind of funny, I happened to get emails from two separate vendors from work today. They were both just checking up on me, which made me feel really good. Not that I want to go back to work yet, but I'm getting more comfortable with the idea at least.

I think I've gotten more comfortable with the idea, based on the fact that I want for my husband and I to be out of debt, and our two incomes together definitely helps with that process.

Actually, thinking about it makes me excited. Excited for our future, excited to see Martyn grow....excited to see our family grow.

I'm looking forward to the good things to come. Going to San Diego in two weeks, I think it will be great, and relaxing to visit with my family and friends, though I will miss my husband. I'm also looking forward to warmer weather...both in San Diego, and here. Hopefully when I return, the weather will have warmed up a bit.

It's nice to have a positive outlook on life. Not that I didn't before, but it's really wonderful to have things to look forward to.

Day 35...peace and quiet

Feb 23

Really very uneventful, unproductive day today....just what Martyn and I needed. Actually, he was kind of cranky today, and ended up sleeping a good part of the day. Once again, the plan was to venture out of the house and go get a pacifier, and once again the weather detered me from doing so.

That's ok though, I needed a day in with my boy. Normally my dear husband would have been off today but he went in for over time. I'm glad he's not working tomorrow, I miss him.

Now that I'm kind of settled into a routine with Martyn, it feels good to have days where we just do nothing...it seems like we go in spurts of doing a lot of stuff, going places, visiting people...and just get worn out. Then we need some time to just enjoy each other. I love days like that the most.

I love rocking him to sleep in the recliner...often while I'm typing this blog, tonight is no exception. It's so sweet to watch him sleep, even when he's all twitchy and having "dog dreams". That's when he's dreaming and his eyes are open and he's making sounds and his face is kind of twitchy...I call it "dog dreams" because our dog Sheba does the same thing. Only we don't usually notice that she's doing this by looking at her and seeing it...many many times, we've been in bed, and just about to fall asleep...it's totally silent, then all of a sudden we hear this high pitched whine, that's really long like a siren....it's the dog having dog dreams...always makes us laugh, even if it wakes us up.

Speaking of dreams, I think it's just about time for bed.

Day 34....surprise! you don't know everything

Feb 22

A little Patience and understanding has once again gone a long way. To my surprise and delight, Eli even brought up a scene from one of my favorite movies, depicting ways to present ideas to him....that was to my delight because in talking to my mother about my whole delima, I also mentioned the exact same scene...I love my husband.

We talked tonight. We didn't fight, we didn't argue....and we understood each other, for once. Not like we always fight or argue, or don't understand each other...but very often, it's like we're speaking two different languages, and there's a lot that gets lost in translation. I guess that's just a man woman thing.

Also tonight, Eli was holding Martyn and he was fine for a while but then just got fussy. I was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, and didn't want to just come take the boy away....so I let Eli deal with it and see if he could figure it out. At one point he said to me "what do you think it is?" meaning, what's wrong, why is he crying? I thought about it, and decided I didn't know. I said I don't know, and then just sat back in my chair (this was after I had cleaned up the kitchen.) I had to kind of laugh because it occurred to me how many times I've thought I would always know how to take care of my son, or know why he was crying because I would be attentive.

Well, surprise surprise I don't know everything! Actually it feels good to admit that, and brings a smile to my face....how silly I can be sometimes...and stubborn! For once it's nice to be a little humble. It's good to take advice from people, or at least consider it...but especially from people who are wise counsel. I am fortunate enough to have several people whom I consider wise counsel. I sure can be an ass sometimes though, feeling like (and probably projecting) that I don't need their help, I don't want their suggestions...blah blah blah.

I've decided it's time to return to the land of humility. I once was familiar with it....Eli has not ever known me as a humble person....I'll not have my son growing up thinking his mother is a know it all jerk. Now that doesn't mean that I will have any less confidence in the things I say and believe....that sometimes comes across as pride...those are two different things. But when it comes to me feeling like I know everything about everything....well, that just has to stop.

So here's to learning life's lessons, and practicing humility for the sake of raising my son right.

Day 33...torn

Feb 21

For the past couple weeks, I've been brewing a scheme in my head (and heart) and didn't know how to approach Eli with it. I assumed he would object, and just not even hear me out, based on it being a money issue (even though I had worked that part of it out.) I've been praying for the right words to say to him...and I may have had the right words....but I don't believe my delivery of those words were all that good.

He didn't exactly object....and I told him from the start I just wanted to put the idea out there for now, we didn't have to talk about it too in depth for now. He threw me out of whack by not even mentioning the money part of it...and I think his feelings were genuinely hurt with the whole suggestion in the first place...which also really threw me.

At first, I was kind of angry about his hurt feelings. I didn't show that to him, he had gone to bed and I was sitting and stewing. I thought, "he is just being controlling and manipulative." He should think about how it is for me....

I should clarify before I go on.

My grand scheme, is to go down to San Diego, with Martyn for two or three weeks in March. I have the time and the money to do it. I'm also going for a weekend in June.

Back to me being angry...

I thought, I never get to see my mom and family and friends who live down there...two weeks should be nothing! (Part of what threw me was that his counter was "why not just one week?")

In all this, he really did seem like it hurt him to think of us (Martyn and I) being gone for two weeks.

After thinking about it more, and stopping the "stewing" , I realized that I may not get to see my family who lives far away very often....but Martyn will only be this age once. Eli already feels like he misses so much on his work days. Every night when he comes home, he goes on about how much Martyn has changed in just 12 hours.

I talk about how much I am in love with this little boy....I have to remember that Eli is just as in love with him as I am...but he doesn't get the chance to express it as much as I do...and he's still learning how to do that.

I'm not mad at him for not understanding my need to take our son and see my family who lives far away. I still want to go, but we will see. There needs to be a minimal amount of hurt involved.

I'm feeling torn by needing to see my family and introduce my son while he is still small....and my husbands feelings. Martyn is his son too.

I think we both need a bit more understanding.

Day 32... Joy in the annoyance

Feb 20

Martyn is 1 month old today! I can hardly believe it. I am so glad though, it's been a wonderful month so far, here's to many many many more to come!

We just took it easy today at home, just me and the boy. He's still pretty congested, but is more annoyed than terribly uncomfortable or miserable. In the morning seems to be the hardest time for him.

He's having a growth spurt right now, so he's eat eat eating all the time...and sleeping for 3 to 4 hours at a time too....at night that's great! In the day it's fine, but I like his awake times during the day. He woke me up this morning around 8 and needed to be changed. I was SO sleepy, and there was no way I was getting up at 8 if I could help it. I changed him, and brought him back to bed, and he seemed perfectly content with that decision. So when we got up two hours later, and I was still really sleepy, I figured when he took his nice long afternoon nap, I'd probably be all over it, and end up taking a nap with him.

I was totally right.

I had to cut my nap short though to get up and start getting dinner together before Eli got home, so it was ready when he walked in the door...especially since tonight was the start of a new season of Amazing Race... also though, and mainly because we only get a couple hours together in the evenings after he works, so if dinner is ready to go when he gets home, it's a little more time we all get to spend together before he has to go to bed.

After we watched the Amazing Race, and Eli went to bed, I was thinking about my day with Martyn today. It was pretty much uneventful and that was great. Really, we have a lot of uneventful days, yet I'm finding I still seem to learn something new, or discover something new about my son, or myself as a mother.

It occurred to me how much Martyn has been wanting the breast today...and how it's getting annoying. Don't get me wrong, I want to feed my son breast milk as much as he wants and needs it...but I know that some of the time he just wants to be comforted and that's his favorite way to be comforted. My boobs aren't exactly sore, but I think they are getting there. Or every time I go to sit in my chair with him, he just assumes the position, or tries to and it's annoying.

I barely am able to get anything done around the house because I'm busy comforting my boy, or feeding him, or changing him...and when he does go to sleep, I'm constantly peeking around the corner if I'm in another room, to make sure I didn't actually hear him making a sound, or moving around, or if the dog is disturbing him....or whatever. It's annoying to not have even just a few minutes in the day to be able to get stuff done, or even just to myself.

Even in all this that I find annoying, it still brings me great Joy to love and care for my son. All the annoying little things, they can add up through out the day and wear on a person. But it's all worth it more and more, every time I look at that sweet boy....every time I see his little 'I'm hungry dance'....even though I know it's actually just the "I want boobie for comfort" dance and I'm annoyed, it's so worth it and still brings a smile to my face....it brings me great Joy. Even when I have to walk around in the dark in the dining room and rock my boy wrapped up in a blanket to get him back to sleep, while half a bowl of cereal waits for me on the coffee table...It is my Joy to do it.

I am so glad for Martyn. He's just the greatest gift I've ever received and I can't even imagine my life with out him....I remember what my life was like before I had a son. Definitely different, and not bad at all. Now that he's here though, I feel like a complete person. A complete family. He is my Joy. My middle name is Joy, and my mom has always affectionately called me "the Joy of her old age"... Sometimes that little title is flattering, and I never fully understood why she said that so much (especially when I was an adolescent, and was horrible to her) but I get it now. I'm not old by any means, but Martyn is my great Joy.

The Joy of my any age.

Day 31...big day

Feb 19

It's 10:39pm, I am utterly exhausted. Wiped out. Martyn is too. He had a very rough night last night, very congested and stuffy. Rough night for baby, means really rough night for mama (and daddy too since he was in the same bed.) I used the snot sucker on him and it helped his stuffy, boogery nose this morning, but he sure hated it. I felt bad.

We thought this was a free Saturday, but in the back of my mind I knew there was something we were doing today. Since Martyn had had such a rough night, we were all kind of ready to be up around 8 or so...Eli a little before that. His auntie Barb called us around 10 and asked what time we were coming to the Portland home, yard and garden show at the convention center, since her and his mom were working a booth.

That's what I had spaced that we were doing today.

We also had to go to the store and Eli needed to get a hair cut...both of which we could not put off. We hadn't even gotten breakfast together yet when Barb called. Partly because we needed to go to the store.

So we decided to get breakfast on the way to the convention center, then go to the show, hang out there for a few hours, then go get Eli's hair cut, then go to the store. Eli made sure to grab all the WIC checks for Feb and WIC ID card (oh my goodness they give you so much milk!) and we were ready to go. I even got the baby ready to go in record time and had everything in the diaper bag I needed for an all day excursion. I sure am glad I was feeling almost 100% better from being sick.

So we left, got breakfast and headed over to Lloyd Center to park the car and take the MAX two stops down to the convention center. It was Martyn's first ride on MAX, how exciting! I had him all snugged up in my moby wrap, and my jacket all zipped up around him, because it was pretty cold, although beautifully bright and sunny today. When we got to the convention center, I needed to go to the bathroom so I did. It was a little strange having Martyn all strapped onto me, trying to use the bathroom...a little like being pregnant again, only my belly was much more squirmy.

I noticed there were no changing tables in the bathroom....weird. So we found a counter right outside the bathroom, that was fine for changing the boy, who had just had a diaper blow out. After getting him all changed, I needed to nurse him to calm him back down (he does not like having his diaper changed one bit, even though he's almost always happier right away after a diaper change) so we went down to where Mary Jane was waiting for us, found a quiet little lounge area and sat in the corner and fed the boy. That was cool. One more diaper change, and then we were on our way into the show.

It was a pretty awesome spread. I very much enjoyed walking around with everyone, and looking at all the exhibits and booths, and especially getting the baby eye from people. I had just been telling Eli, I thought it was strange when we went to IKEA yesterday, no one gave me the baby eye, and I clearly had a baby on me. But I noticed a lot of the people going into the yard and garden show, were older and I knew they would be giving me the baby eye...Women just can't resist a little baby for that long. I was totally right on that one.

Several people stopped us along the way and wanted to OOOhh, and AAAhhh over Martyn....all of them women...though ranging in age quite a bit. I don't blame them, the boy is just irresistibly cute.

I didn't think to wear my good walking shoes, so by the end of the show my feet were kind of hurting and I was pretty ready to go. We did good, and resisted buying anything even though there was a lot of cool stuff there.

We even made it through downtown on Burnside in record time, and got back over to Beaverton, and got Eli in to get his hair cut. I stayed out in the car with Martyn, and nursed him again, and changed him again....I think I gave some teenage boy a show and didn't even realize it until I was starting Martyn on the other side! Oh well, it happens.

Eli's haircut went relatively fast, and it looked so good , so he was happy with it...I was too (man my husband is handsome!)

Then across the street to Winco. Normally we try to pick a better time to go to Winco than the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday, but alas, that is the time we ended up there. Mostly we just had to get WIC and a few other items, so it wasn't that bad. We've pretty much figured out the WIC shenanigans so we were able to kind of split that up between us and get it done fast.

So that was our big outing day. Martyn was a champ! Actually he pretty much slept the entire time we were at the yard and garden show....the moby really made easy and enjoyable to carry him around all day. But at the end of the day when we got home, I was just exhausted, physically and mentally....since I've been scheming all day in my head.

At breakfast this morning, Eli and I had a little talk about our team work together as a couple and how since we've had Martyn, have kind of let it slide from where it used to be. Mostly we were talking about home chores. We've always been a good team, but having another person in the mix, especially a helpless little baby who needs constant care, really changes the dynamic of a two person, married team. Both circumstances have their place and are great...but they are definitely different. I suppose we are still learning, and probably will continue the process for the rest of our lives.

I hope we do anyway.

Day 30...supply and demand

Feb 18

Last night, I slept the best I have yet since I've had Martyn. Even though he was congested, Martyn slept very well too. I've learned the art, it seems, of getting the boob into Martyn's mouth with the light off....something I've been afraid to do, or too frustrated and sleepy in the middle of the night to try. For whatever reason, I was able to go the whole night last night with out turning the light one once, until after 6 this morning! Martyn got nursed, on both sides through out the night, which included rolling him over to my other side, twice, in the dark! I am siked....also, last night was the first night in a week that Eli has slept downstairs with Martyn and I (because he didn't have to work today) and I realized how much I missed him.

I know he sleeps better over all when he sleeps upstairs, because the baby wakes him up at night....and I'm glad for him to get as much sleep as possible, especially on work days, but I really miss him and I didn't realize it until last night.

I think that's part of the reason I slept so much better too. I had my bed heater back, ha!

So I've been looking on Craigslist the last few days for a breast pump because I needed one...bad. I officially decided last night that today was going to be the day I got myself a breast pump because when I got up to change Martyn in the middle of the night, I was so full that I was dripping, almost streaming, on both sides at the same time. Which is good, that means the supply is meeting the demand....the problem is the supply is greatly exceeding the demand and before I get to the point of nearly streaming...mama is hurtin'! I've started sleeping with two of the big cloth diapers under me at night, or I totally wake up in a puddle every night, from the engorged side that isn't currently being nursed by the boy....they're very absorbent, but cotton and don't make me all sweaty like the waterproof sheets do. To some that might be strange, but I was pretty proud of myself for coming up with that one.

I found a breast pump on craigslist for $10, so we went on a little excursion to get it today. Before hand, we decided to go to IKEA and pick up a few other things we needed. That was a nearly unsuccessful trip, to IKEA I mean. We only ended up getting a couple things on our list. I did get to test out my new moby wrap though, and I love it! That was also a craigslist find, and what a great find it was! Man, all the moby is, is a giant piece of solid, yet pliable fabric...but it is great for baby wearing. There are several different ways to use it, and the way I did it, where you make a little pouch in front for your baby to sit in, but still be pressed against you securely, was awesome. It was so comfortable, and sleek. The other baby carrier we have I think is really cool too, but Martyn is just a bit too small for it still. Also, it's more for outdoor activities, kind of too bulky for inside.

After IKEA, and picking up the breast pump, we decided it was time for lunch...Eli was getting crabby...maybe I was a bit too. Since we were over near our old neighborhood in South East Portland, we decided to go to Cha Cha Cha, one of our old favorite walk to restaurants when we lived in the apartment.

I had to nurse and change the baby in the car because they didn't have a very good bathroom...I knew this ahead of time. Both tasks were a bit tricky in the backseat...at least it was rainy all day and fogged the windows up nicely, so no one could see what was going on if they walked by, ha! It wasn't that bad though, and now I know I can do both of those on the road if need be. The diaper change was more difficult than the nursing.

I'm thinking the next craigslist item may be a humidifier....it gets pretty dry in our room at night anyway, but poor Martyn has caught my cold I think and he's pretty stuffy and congested. I feel bad for him because it's really annoying to be congested. He can breath, but he's boogery and snotty. This morning I was using the bulb syringe to clear his nose out, and like every kid I've ever seen one of those used on, he was all upset. He cried his first tears he was so upset...which I have to admit was super cute. I was comforting him and I said, "aw, you cried your first tears baby", and Eli who was in the kitchen came running in to the living room over to me with this really excited look on his face and just kind of stood there. I was like "what?" and he says "you said he did his first something...." haha! That was also pretty cute I thought. Eli is so excited to be Martyn's daddy. It's all so new to him, but I think he's doing great.

He's changing diapers pretty well, and learning how to comfort Martyn when he's upset, and mama is not readily available (like in the bathroom). It's good to see him in the evenings just cuddling with Martyn, it melts my heart actually.

I'm looking forward to more adventures and outings with my guys. For now though, I'm content to cuddle with the boy in the chair, and listen to daddy snore in the next room.

Day 29...I want my mom!

Feb 17

I had a mild fever all night last night and to top it off, we've been watching the first season of "My name is Earl" on netflix so I went to bed thinking about Earls stupid list, and had weird feverish, delusional dreams about it all night.

One of the things on my "list"...this morning I had turned over with my back to Martyn in the bed and needed to keep the cover pulled tight in front so it wouldn't lay on his face. That was on my list in my dreams....Dreams are so strange and funny like that.

I felt awful today. Martyn is a bit congested, but it doesn't seem to be too bad on him. I was all paranoid about it and took his temperature twice today. He's fine.

I did have to force myself to get up and leave the house, to meet up with a nice girl and buy a moby wrap from her for $20, which was exciting and annoying at the same time. Exciting because now I'll be able to get more done around the house, with both hands, but still be able to have the baby with me all the time. Annoying because I felt like crap and would rather have kept sleeping in the chair with the baby on my chest, than get up and get myself and Martyn together to go for a little excursion.

It's hard caring for a little one, though when they are this little (4 weeks today) it's not so bad. Martyn isn't overly fussy, he pretty much only fusses when 1. he's hungry (which has been a lot lately, like ever hour and he wants both sides) 2. he's wet or poopy (which I can almost guarantee he will be immediately after he eats) 3. he has a burp (which I've learned the signs pretty well now and have gotten better at catching) or 4. he's tired. Usually, I can get him to right to sleep by putting him to the boob, but sometimes he's stubborn and fights sleep. But when he goes to sleep, he is out...mostly.

That said, he's pretty easy to care for and it's so worth it to me, to be able to just love him. But being sick myself today, and trying to care for him at the same time proved to be difficult. Even though I hardly got off the chair all day.

When I feel really sick and miserable from it, I always really miss my mom. I remember the first time I got really sick after I had moved away from home. I called my mom up on the phone and cried to her about being sick, and how I wished she could comfort me and "make it all better". I felt like doing that today.

Having my own son now, really brings that feeling of "I want my mom!" into perspective. Not that I ever want my son to suffer, but I know he will at some point in his life...I hope that I am able to comfort him in his times of distress, both as a little kid and an adult. Many times I've been distressed, and a simple phone call from or to my mom made me feel better. How do moms do that? I don't quite know yet, but I'm learning. I love comforting my baby, though it can be hard sometimes....I can't even imagine how I'll feel in comforting him when HE is sick, or sad, or broken hearted.

I just hope and pray that I'll be there for him as much as possible. I love him more than anything.

Day 28...a bit clingy

Feb 16

It makes perfect sense for Martyn to be clingy. He is only 28 days old. That's a short month's time...4 weeks technically.

I don't mind that he has been clingy the last few days, except that I'm sick and I'm leery of him catching my cold. I know he's more protected than I, because he's exclusively breast feeding, but still...I'm a mama, what can I say, I worry about my boy.

When Eli comes home at night, he's so excited to have some daddy/baby time with Martyn, and most of the time (tonight for instance) Martyn is totally fine with that...for a little while, then he just wants me to hold him. Even after he's fed and burped and changed, and content....after a certain point, he just will not calm down unless mama is the one doing the calming. It kind of hurts Eli's feelings. I told him it's normal for little babies this young to prefer their mamas over their daddies, so don't have hurt feelings...I don't know if he took that to heart or not.

I actually like that Martyn wants to be held and snuggled. In the day time when he's awake, he's just so aware and alert looking around at things, looking at me, listening to my voice. I love it!

He is just so amazing to me. I love watching him.

This may be a topic of rant for me for a while until I figure out a solution or just give up....I really want to be a stay at home mom for the time being. I can't stand the thought of leaving my son in some one else's care, even for just a couple days a week....and I hate to admit it, but even in Eli's care for the rest of the week. I think Eli would do fine after a little while, but it would be a real challenge for him to have sole care of our son three to four days a week. He's so new at all of this....and it seems to just come more naturally to mama than it does to daddy.

At first, I thought there was no way I'd be willing to take in another baby during the week....but now after thinking on it more, I could totally do it. I'd rather take in another infant like Martyn....I probably should talk to my husband about that. But I was doing some figuring today about the cost of not going back to work, and staying home and taking in another child, even part time during the week. If I could do that, it would pretty much equal out, considering what we would have to pay for in child care. I don't want to just trade dollars....work outside of home, for daycare expenses....I've never understood why moms choose to do that when they have the option to stay home. I know a lot of moms, such as myself, don't have the option to stay home....I'm trying to make it a valid option for our family.

I can't stop thinking about becoming a midwife. That's part of the reason I decided I should move forward with that idea. I've just been mulling over different options, and looking things up on the Internet today, and talking to a few people. I really want to be able to stay home with my baby, and go to school but the only viable way of doing those at the same time is to take out student loans, or get grant money, or both. Student loans, though are considered 'good debt' by many, are still debt in my mind. Though, if I were to take out student loans, I would only do it with great purpose in mind. I have no intention of going back to school just to go to school. That's ridiculous.

What concerns me is that I've not been in school for 10 years, and I've never gone to college....it wouldn't be going 'back' to school....it would be starting college for the first time, at almost 30 years old, with a little child to care for...that's a pretty huge load to carry. I think I could do it though. I'm pretty determined to make it work.

Here's hoping.

Day 27...down with the sickness

Feb 15

Well, it appears I caught whatever Eli had, or whatever it is everyone else has had I guess....Thankfully I took Zycam last night, so I feel like this cold could be a lot worse than it has been today. Mostly just sore throat/nose and stuffy, runny nose. That's not so bad I guess. I always say, "snotty is better than pukey." Uhg, I can't even imagine trying to care for an infant, and have a stomach bug at the same time. Yuck.

Eli's fever broke last night in the middle of the night, and he said he felt SO much better today, though he still was a bit achy and had a head ache for most of the day. He came downstairs to use the bathroom after his fever broke and I heard him run into the baby/dog gate, which is in the middle of the stairs.

My first instinct was to jump up and go to his aide....and when I started to roll out of bed, I felt the weight of the the baby on my chest....I was laying on my back, with Martyn sleeping soundly on my chest...and I had just gotten him to sleep only about 20 or 30 min before that. I froze. Thankfully he didn't wake up, and Eli was fine.

Martyn seems to be fine too. I don't think he has caught anything...I hope he hasn't. Today I couldn't muster up the motivation or strength to do anything but eat, and watch "That 70's show" on netflix all day, and sleep. Martyn was good company for all three of those activities.

I love that he's such a snuggly baby. He likes to be held and cuddled. It just feels so good to cuddle him all up when I'm feeling blue.

I got up at the usual time around 11. I wanted to just stay in bed though, and the thought occurred to me that sleeping all day was a sign of depression, so I forced myself to get up. I was thinking about that later, and decided that under normal circumstances, that may be true...but when one is sick with a cold, and has a baby who is less than a month old to care for, sleeping as much as possible is not necessarily a sign of depression. I am fine, I don't have post-pardum depression.

However, tonight after dinner Eli and I were just sitting in the living room talking while he had the last of his daddy time for the evening, and I got all teared up just thinking about going back to work in 2 months. 2 MONTHS! That's not that long at all, what the heck am I going to do? I probably should be more concerned about who we are going to get to care for him, rather than how I'm going to deal with not caring for him during the day.

I have no idea how I could stay home. Being sick today, I feel like I lost a whole day in figuring out how I would stay home....that doesn't seem right.

I love this country, but I wish Americans on the whole took more stock in the importance of motherhood and the first year of life for babies...if they did, we would have a whole year off of work, rather than just three months.

Day 26...coming down, with something?

Feb 14

Valentines day.

Martyn slept so good last night, I could hardly believe it after the last few days. I really needed that. Poor Eli on the other hand, woke up sick this morning. I didn't even know he was sick until I checked facebook this afternoon. When he got home tonight he took his temperature and it was 101.1...Dang it! And I have a sore-ish nose and throat. I took some Zycam....I told Eli to take some two days ago. Uhg.

Hopefully we can keep Martyn from catching anything. I had thought this morning that he was sick....He hadn't pooped all night and for part of the morning, and I had nursed him several times. He was just a little constipated I guess...it worked it's self out, ha!

So I've been considering for a while about going to school to become a midwife. I'm gonna do it. I don't know how yet, but I'm gonna figure out a way to do it.

It's the first thing I've ever really felt passionate about, besides my son and husband... but as far as a career goes. The first time I can see myself doing something in ten years, and that's an exciting feeling.

So Martyn, has started farting in his sleep....a lot. Which is super cute....I've coined the nickname 'Fartin' Martyn'....Ha! I'm sure he'll appreciate that more when he's older (or be terribly embarrassed by his dear mother) Eli hates it though....So I'm trying to only say it once in a while, in a loving, playful way...hehe.

I love being a mom! (and wife!)

Day 25...what the heck baby?

Feb 13

I don't know what the heck was up with Martyn today. First, when we got up this morning at 11, he was just cranky. I was feeling like I hadn't gotten enough sleep either since he was up ever hour and a half to nurse last night. (oy!) I ate some breakfast nursed and changed the boy, and decided we both needed to go back to bed for a little while.

We got up around 2:30 or so.

Then, he was awake all day, which was great...but just clingy. I mean, it makes sense for him to be clingy, he is only 3 and half weeks old. But he was just cranky. Usually I can put him down for a few minutes, while he's awake, and do stuff that requires both hands, like fix lunch. But he just wanted to be held all day.

I put on his belly, on the boppy turned around backwards, on the kitchen table so he could at least see me while I made myself some lunch. He was only content with that for about 2 minutes, when he scooted himself backwards too far. Which I have to admit, though frustrating for me, was super cute.

He was pretty content for the rest of the afternoon as long as I was holding him. I decided to take him in the bath for another soak, later in the afternoon. He really enjoyed that too. He's so cute, just floating around and kicking his little legs like a frog. I'm definitely going to employ the use of the tub in the future for soothing him. I also had turned on the Budos Band for the bath and he seems to also really like that.

I was doing some research on the use of pacifiers today, because I've been debating on whether or not to introduce a binky to him. I decided I still want to hold off on even introducing a pacy for now. He sucks his hands and arms when he needs to suck something other than the nipple, and I'm fine with that...though once in a while (today for example) he gave himself a hicky on the arm. I don't particularly like that. But most of the time he will suck on his hands or fingers and that is enough to soothe him. It's easy for him to find in the night time, and if it falls out of his mouth, it doesn't fall on the floor and get dirty. I don't want it to develop into thumb sucking as a toddler, but for now as an infant this is what we're going with. I have a couple of pacifiers, that I'm not opposed to giving him as a last resort if there comes a time when he cant' seem to be soothed any other way. But I'd rather not even introduce it unless I have to.

Eli's Aunt Maurgaritte and her husband Ned brought us dinner tonight and I had just gotten Martyn soothed to sleep, and he got all disturbed by people coming in....poor boy, he was just not happy today. No fever. Just fussy. Poor Eli, after they left and I got the boy soothed again I passed him over to Eli. It was really cute, after the baby was asleep, he says in a quiet voice, "can I have some baby time?" He's so funny. I was like YES! I love watching him with Martyn.

But as soon as I passed him over, it was just a few minutes and he was fussy again. I had to go to the bathroom so Eli had to just take care of him until I was done. I took him back and he calmed right down. He just wanted his mama I guess. I think it kind of hurt Eli's feelings though.

Even now while I'm typing, Martyn is snoozing on my lap and I've gotten up three times...but I bet if I set him down on the couch, he would wake up and freak out. It's all worth it though. I find every day that I love this little boy more and more. He and Eli are my whole world.

This whole mom/wife thing is pretty awesome.

Day 24...more visitors

Feb 12

What a great visit from family we had today! I needed that I think because boy I woke up crabby this morning! Martyn has been sleeping really well at night, usually he'll sleep for a solid three hours straight, but last night he was ready to eat every hour and a half....uhg. I think he's having a growth spurt right now, because he totally slept for most of the day yesterday, and last night, and he had a super power nap today after everyone left. I mean the boy was out.

He was a little stuffy sounding this morning too....made me wonder if he's getting sick, though he hasn't had a fever all morning...Eli and I tend to be stuffy in the morning sometimes, maybe he just got a bit dried out last night.

I probably will bring this up again several times, but I am loving that Martyn's hair is red. I think t is so stinking cute and hope that it stays that color. Still have no idea about his eye color yet. Right this minute, they totally look blue.

Day 23...so many kids!

Feb 11

My midwifery group had this huge potluck today which I've totally been looking forward to. They rented out the whole children's museum at the Zoo.

I didn't realize how many people were going to be there, I was just looking forward to seeing my midwives and apprentices, and hopefully some of the ladies from my pregnancy class.

I made a dish and we got there a little after 5:30 when it started and it was already packed and more people were showing up by the minute. It was super cool I thought. Eli on the other hand, kind of shut down. I didn't even realize it was that overwhelming for him.

I did get to visit with a couple of the ladies from class and my friend Holly came too, and we all got to sit around and compare babies which was fun. By that point Eli had relaxed a bit and it was better. Dana came by our table and mentioned this whole thing was 12 years of Andaluz clients and families... no wonder there were so many people!

When we got home, I decided to take Martyn in the tub with me for a soak...that's the first time we have done that without the baby bath and aside from when he was born of course. He loved it! He was a bit apprehensive looking at first, and I thought maybe I had made the water too hot. Turned out it was just a new sensation for him, once he was in the tub covering his little legs and part of his belly, he relaxed. He was so mellow! He really liked just floating on his back and kicking his little legs like a fish, very cute. If I had realized he would enjoy that so much, I would have been taking baths with him all along! Oh well, now I know.

Day 22...gone all day

Feb 10

After getting off to a pretty good semi early start today, we all went on a nice outing and got some stuff accomplished.

I wanted to check out this baby stuff store in Vancouver, that I've gotten stuff online from...and I needed some more diaper covers to boot. Also we got our first delivery of Tidee Didee diaper service diapers this morning....a gift from Aunt Lil, which is totally awesome. I don't mind washing my diapers at all, I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided to do cloth diapers, but it's still cool to have use of the diaper service. I just have to provide my own covers, and I didn't have nearly enough.

We also picked up a nursing bra for me (finally). That was interesting. Poor Eli, hasn't quite figured out how much I don't like shopping, especially when I feel like someone is hovering (that someone in this case would be him)...I had to tell him to go away while I was looking for a nursing bra.

After that we went to Gartners to get some hamburger meat and were going to stop by and visit Aunt Lil, but she called back and let us know she was out with a client and not at home today. Oh well. We will visit another time then.

After that we went and got some crunch tacos from this really divey place on 82nd.... such a dive that it may be, they still have really good food. We took our food over and parked in front of a park and watched people play really bad tennis while we ate. It was a really fun afternoon, and Martyn was just perfect the whole time. I'm so glad he likes riding in the car!

In the evening, I started putting Martyn on his belly for some belly time on the floor while he's awake. It's really hard work for him, so I didn't leave him for very long... Eli and Sheba and I all got on the floor to encourage him to lift his little head up and look at us. Sheba mostly just wanted to be included in the mix. Martyn seems to really like the sheep skin rug that Mary Jane got for him. I like it too, it's so soft and feels good to touch.

Day 21...three weeks already?

Feb 9

Martyn is three weeks today (21 days being three weeks technically, but again, it's Wednesday and he was born on a Thursday, so tomorrow is three weeks)!

Didn't really do a whole lot today again. Just snuggled with my boy. I can't get enough of that. Eli started sleeping upstairs on his work day nights, and he sleeps with Martyn and I in our bed on his weekend nights. Which I'm glad he's able to get enough sleep upstairs, but I miss him on his weekday nights... at the same time, I like having the bed all to myself with the baby on weekday nights as well.

We were all home today though and it was nice. Eli is pretty good about getting up in the morning and letting me sleep in, either with the sleeping baby with me, or if Martyn wakes up Eli will take him in the other room for a little while to let me sleep. I love my husband so much!

I also love watching him snuggle our son on the couch in the evenings. Martyn totally responds to the sound of his daddy's voice, and touch and it just melts my heart to see Eli enjoy his son so much. He's learning, but he's already a great daddy!

Day 20...time to check up

Feb 8

Martyn had his three week post-pardum check up today and is doing great! He weighed 8lbs and 11oz, which my second midwife Dana said is perfect weight gain for him at this age. I'm doing great too. Feeling good, looking good....I had so been looking forward to this check up because for one thing, Dana hadn't met Martyn yet, and secondly, I knew there would be more visiting with her and Nicole, than concern about any problems with either him or me.

My midwives are so freaking cool!

Dana also mended Martyn's little knit sweater from Sandra, it had a little opening in the shoulder. She was looking at it and says to me, "I have a needle in the car, I could fix this for your right now..." I was like ok sure! How cool is that?

I also had a WIC breast feeding class after my check up and that was pretty cool too. There were a couple girls there, with little ones getting advice on breastfeeding...and support. One girl was pretty young, I'd say probably 19 or 20 and her little baby was the same age as Martyn (3 weeks). That little baby had been just having a heck of a time breast feeding and the mom was so frustrated and nearly ready to give up. It was good to be able to encourage her to keep at it and don't give up. She was able to pump at least so the baby was getting breast milk, but it's really best for both Mama and baby if baby can get it straight from the breast as much as possible.

The mom had been induced two weeks before her due date, and thankfully didn't have to have a c-section, but still I'm positive that is why the baby was having such a hard time...she wasn't ready to be born yet. The doctors induced her because she had been having blood pressure problems before hand....now that very well could be true, but I'm leery of the Doctor's decision to do that. I was frustrated by that story, but I kept my mouth shut, and continued to encourage her as much as I could.

It made me all the more thankful I did not have a hospital birth, and haven't had any problems with breast feeding. Now I know that for some women and babies, they have problems and I'm not knocking those women for having problems breast feeding. It can be really difficult sometimes. I've had it super easy compared to a lot of women, but I think a great deal of that comes simply from having a good attitude and being determined to make it work no matter what.

Okay. Time to get off my soap box...oh I'm sure I'll be back up there soon (this is a subject that I feel very passionately about.)

Day 19...figure'n

Feb 7

I love being home with Martyn, though I'm still feeling a little lost as far as what I should be doing during the day. I know for now I still need to just be taking it easy, which I am but I feel like I could be doing more around the homestead.

I really want to figure out a way to stay home permanently, but I'm drawing a blank. I don't know what the heck I'm going to do when I have to go back to work...I will miss the boy so so much! Not only miss him, but be worried about him too. I have no idea what we're going to do as far as someone taking care of him. We'll see I guess.

Day 18...stupid bowl

Feb 6

Eli's cousin Heather brought us a meal today and she had asked if it were ok for to come around 1pm. I was totally fine with that, having forgotten that it was Stupid Bowl Sunday...and needing to go to the store. I was already feeling apprehensive about taking the boy to the store alone anyway.

So I was going to go before she got here, but I just couldn't get it together enough to do it. Good thing! It was cool to visit with her for a little while too. I just love my new family, they're so cool! I'm looking forward to getting spend more time with them all in the future.

Since I couldn't get it together to go to the store before Heather came by, I was going to go afterward...then I noticed a facebook post about it being Super Bowl Sunday, and trying to navigate the store before the game started....Boo! So I decided to wait until after the game started.

Yeah, couldn't get it together enough even then to go by myself and ended up waiting for Eli to come home, and then we went together. I'll figure out this whole taking the baby out thing, eventually.

Day 17...oh auntie!

Feb 5

We delivered Zeke to my sister's house today and stayed for dinner. It was the first time Rachel and Bryan saw Martyn since they brought us dinner a couple weeks ago. Rachel was pretty happy to have some baby time...Bryan was indifferent, though he enjoyed our company.

Zeke introduced me to this awesome band called 'The Budos Band', which is like kind of funky, James Bond style instrumental music. I really liked it, and Martyn really liked it too.

I gave him a bath before we left the house and he still hasn't figured out that baths can be so nice...I think perhaps I haven't figured out how to give him a 'nice' bath yet. Still a work in progress I suppose.

I'm still learning how to 'go out' (of the house) with the boy. I still don't know how much to pack in the diaper bag....*sigh* also a work in progress.

Day 16...first real scheduled outing

Feb 4

We took Martyn to game night tonight for the first time. It was great! Soup was so good (as usual) and Martyn was pretty good too. Johanna sure seemed to enjoy him!

It was fun to have Zeke come to game night too, and we played telephone pictionary which I've decided is one of my new favorites. I wanted to play that because I decided I was healed up well enough that I was going to have a hemorrhage from laughing too hard.

I'm still getting used to taking the boy out in the car, and still pretty apprehensive about it at times, but I'm enjoying showing him off to people here and there.

Day 15...ah a good rest

Feb 3

Nothing really special today. Just hung out with Zeke and rested. Eli was home too. It was really good to just hang out with Zeke. I haven't seen him since Stacey's wedding over a year ago, and then we didn't really get a chance to visit.

I was also glad that Martyn was a good baby and didn't keep Zeke up last night. My son is so awesome!

Day 14...Zeke is here!

Feb 2

I'm so excited, my oldest nephew Zeke just came to visit from Las Vegas! I picked him up from the airport and hung out with him all afternoon. I even dragged him along to the store, my first time taking Martyn to the store, so he could push the cart and watch the boy, and I could run around and get my WIC stuff with both hands.

I had a little trouble getting out of the house on time to pick him up from the airport, but it didn't matter because his plane was early anyway. I'm learning the art of timing with Martyn....if we're going to go anywhere, I need to make sure he's fed, and has a clean diaper and is burped before I put him in the car seat....and doing those things takes a little finesse when it comes to timing. We're both learning I guess.

Zeke was not at all interested in holding Martyn, and I didn't offer right away either. I was not offended, but Zeke even said Martyn is the smallest, and youngest baby he's ever seen in person. He's two weeks old today! Well, technically he's two weeks today because he's 14 days, but tomorrow is Thursday and he was born on a Thursday, so really two weeks is tomorrow in my mind, but whatever.

I'm glad Martyn gets to meet at least one cousin from my sister's side...He'll get to meet the other eventually I guess.

Day13...a new month

Feb 1

It's cold and clear, and sunny outside...all the more reason to stay in and just hang out with the boy.

I love just looking at him, and watching him sleep. I love how soft his little head feels, and his hair is like downy fluff. It feels so good to just stroke his head with my chin and face and lips, that could do wonders for anyone with insomnia!

Also, my boy has red hair. RED HAIR! That is so awesome! I hope it stays this color.

Day 12... slightly nerve racking

Jan 31

Martyn and I went on our first outing in the car together today. I decided I don't like driving anymore...I'm too freaked out by other drivers. Maybe I need to get one of those "baby on board" signs you hang in your car window. I don't know.

It wasn't too bad though. We went to pick up some WIC checks since I missed an appointment/breast feeding class in December. They gave me some modified vouchers for the month of Jan, since today is the last day of the month. Modified my booty! I still got 5 gallons of milk, sheesh! Oh well, WIC is an excellent program...I'm glad it's available to us.

I didn't want to waste the car trip, so we also went and visited some of my old customers in Tigard, from my World Pac days. It was really cool to see them, and get the chance to show Martyn all off...he was a big hit! (honestly, how could he not be, I mean...he's pretty awesome!)

He does so well in the car, just goes right to sleep.

That part was at least not nerve racking.

Day 11...all alone

Jan 30

Today was the first day that I was totally alone with Martyn all day. I was kind of looking forward to this day... Just me and the baby, no visitors, no guests, not even Eli....though I love having Eli and Martyn both to myself.

I was still tired, but it was great. I just took it easy, and lounged around with Martyn all day. I don't think I got anything done, besides just that. Mary Jane (my mom in law) called me in the middle of the day to check up since I had been so tired yesterday...I think she was lobbying to come keep me company since she knew I would be all alone with Martyn today....I declined before she had the chance to ask, I was looking forward to just spending time with my son today.

Robin and Miriam were in town however, and they stopped by to say hello on the way out. That was kind of cool. I like that they've been all excited to have a new little nephew too, I think they'll be really good at being Auntie M, and Uncle Robin...I tried to convince them they needed to have a baby so Martyn could have a close by cousin...they didn't seem all that convinced.

Perhaps I need to work a little harder to persuade them.

Day 10... real visit

Jan 29

Feeling SO tired today....must be a carry over from hitting "the wall" yesterday.

Walt and Mary Jane came by this afternoon and brought us the fixin's for a wonderful steak dinner. I was so tired I had to go take a big nap in the middle of the visit however. No one seemed to mind my lack of 'hostessing', they were all happy to just have some time with Martyn. I was glad for that too.

That steak was awesome, and I felt much better after eating dinner...I must have been a little low on iron.

Martyn had a bit of a gassy belly tonight, from the left over chinese I'm pretty sure. I didn't eat any beef broccoli last night and he was fine, but I did have that for lunch today so I think that's what did it. That was my first challenge with him, as far as being "fussy"...I'm so glad he's not colicky!

Day 9...it finally hits

Jan 28

I finally hit a wall today. It's the first day, that I've actually felt like I just had a baby. I've just been an emotional mess, and SO tired. My bottom's still kind of sore, and I was just dragging all day. I'm kind of glad I'm finally feeling like this though, it makes me feel more normal I guess.

My friend Holly came over tonight and brought her super cute little baby Oliver by to meet Martyn. Holly and I were in pregnancy class together and have become friends...I think it's pretty cool our little boys will get to be friends too. Oliver is 12 days older than Martyn, but Holly's original due date was the day before mine. I had thought it would have been pretty cool if we'd had our babies at the same time....now that the births are over with though, I don't think it would have been good if we were laboring at the birth center at the same time...my labor was just too lightening quick!

It was really cool to catch up, and kind of compare babies with Holly. Also, our friends Jill and Steve came over and brought us all dinner, chinese take out from Chaim (yum!) It was fun for us girls to all sit around and talk pregnancy and birth, while Eli and Steve chatted each other up. Jill is pregnant, and also using the same birth center that Holly and I used, so that was a fun point to talk about too.

Yay for natural child birth!

Day 8...getting settled

Jan 27

Nothing really new today. It's been quiet in the house which is nice. Eli and I are just establishing a routine with the baby still, I think that will probably take a while. I mentioned how much I love snuggling with Martyn in the bed first thing in the morning...I think that has become my new favorite thing. It used to be waking up easy with Eli on weekend mornings, after a long work week....I still love that, but waking up easy, every morning with Martyn snuggled up to me, especially if I've gotten a few hours good sleep, is just amazing.

Today is the 8th day. We chose not to circumcise Martyn, and today would have been the day to do it if we had. I feel like it was the right decision for our family and I'm glad we went that route....it's possible I may regret this decision later on, but I don't think I will. As for right now, I'm very happy with it.

Day 7...quiet peace for a bit

Jan 26

Today is Stacey my oldest niece's 22 birthday. Weird. I miss her and I really want for her to meet my son...Ah, well the time will come for that eventually.

Song and the kids left today. Song was meeting someone at 10 so they took off pretty early. I was kind of sad to see them go. However, once they were gone it was quiet in the house. Eli and I both finally exhaled. This is the first real time since Martyn has come home, that we've been home during the day and with no prospect of any more visitors for a few days. I think we both kind of felt like briefly, "what the heck do we do now?" We figured it out though...we just rest and enjoy the boy!

He is so awesome!

We also gave Martyn his first bath (though technically it was his second bath since he was born under water). He was not exactly happy about it it first, though he did calm down and relax once he realized the water was warm and felt nice. I took a sitz bath with some herbs the midwives gave me to help heal my bottom up, and put the baby bath in the tub with me. I'm glad Eli was there to assist. Martyn totally pooped in the towel while Eli was holding him and drying him off, ha!

In the evening we had our first post-pardum check up away from the house, at the Tualitan Birth Center. I was really looking forward to seeing Tracy and Lindsey too. It was Martyn's first car ride away from our house. (His first car ride was from the birth center to our house on his birthday) There was some silly fender bender on 217 that made us late.

The whole check up was really good. One of the questions Tracy asked me was how I was doing emotionally. I thought over all I was doing pretty well....Eli piped in though, and pointed out realistically that I was pretty weepy at the drop of a hat. Which is true. But aside from the other night when I was all smacked up from the engorgement, over all when I'm weepy, it's joyfully weepy...I just love the baby so much. I love my family so much...Those feelings tend to just be really over whelming for mama sometimes!

Martyn was back up to birth weight pretty much (off by one oz.) They gave us this really cool little foot print birth certificate, which I'm going to have my other apprentice sign, and then I'm going to frame it and hang it in the baby stuff room...or maybe in our room, it's so cool!

He also has a little raw spot on the inside of both of his legs, Tracy put some Golden seal on his belly button and on the little raw spots to help them all dry up a bit more. I need to get some diaper butt cream to put on that after it dries up some. Maybe I'll try that kind that Song had...she seemed to really like it for her kids.

Day 6...feeling the lag

Jan 25

Today is the last full day that Song and the kids will be here. Which I'm sad for, and glad for at the same time. I've really enjoyed having all of them. Song's company has just been awesome, and she's just done a wonderful job caring for all of us the last few days...I really needed the help, and just company too.

I'm tired, but still feeling great. Everyone seems pretty shocked when they see how well I'm doing. I don't know what to tell them, I guess I'm kind of shocked too...I still don't feel like I just had a baby. I mean I do, but I don't.

This morning, I really wanted a "fancy coffee" from my favorite bagel place up the street from our house. I decided to bribe Song with a cuddly, really cute sleeping baby boy, and the promise of a chai tea, if she would watch him for a few minutes so I could run up and get my fancy coffee....also I was about to run out of pads, so I needed to get some of those too. She was all smiles in agreement.

It felt really strange to leave the house for one thing, but really really strange to go alone...no baby belly, no baby, no husband, no company at all. Really strange, and kind of nice at the same time, though I didn't like the feeling of not having the baby with me. It felt like part of me was missing. I guess if you think about it, I've had Martyn always with me constantly for the last 9 months, it makes sense to feel like I was missing him, or part of myself for that matter....I don't know what the heck I'm going to do when I have to go back to work...

I have time to figure that out though, no need to dwell on it just yet.

Song cooked another totally awesome dinner for us tonight too, both Eli and I were just so thankful to have her here. We also got the chance, finally, to play the card game San Juan with her, (we had gotten her and Jon, but mostly her, the game for Christmas but hadn't sent it yet) which was really cool. I'm glad we finally were able to teach her how to play, and that she will be able to enjoy the game with Jon when she gets home.

I'm so glad she and the kids were able to come. I think it was great for all of them, and it was soo good for Eli and Martyn and me.

Thanks Song!