Day 101...taking in the day

Apr 30

Martyn didn't want to sleep in past 7 this morning....that's ok with me, 7 was fine for sleeping in after getting up at 5 all week. Eli was less thrilled with it however. I brought him back to bed after changing his diaper and we all had a little bed time snuggle. I love that! It brings a whole new meaning to the idea of a "family bed"...and that makes me smile.

As nice as that was, I was already feeling head swimmy before even getting out of bed. I tried to ignore it most of the morning, and pay attention to Martyn and Eli. We went out to breakfast and Martyn was such a good boy. He just sat in his car seat and watched the people at the table next to us.

Even our server commented on how well behaved he was. That made my morning. It was looking like it was going to be a very nice day out. We came home and got a few things done around the house, all the while I had swimmy head and it was getting worse. I just tried to ignore it. We had some lunch, and made a list, and Eli went to the store. I stayed home and just soaked up some time with Martyn...and had a much needed nap on the couch with the boy. That felt so good.

When Eli got home from the store, he totally let me and the boy sleep for a while. Man, I'm still feeling head swimmy, but I feel better. I was getting frustrated during the day with feeling like this. Eli said he thinks I'm getting ready to start having a period again (boo!) which could be so I guess. Not exactly looking forward to that, but oh well.

Enough complaining about my head swimmy-ness.

It's supposed to be 72 and clear tomorrow, we shall see if that actually happens. I'm looking forward to summer time, and having fun with Martyn outdoors.

Right now, he's laying in my lap, all wrapped up in a blanket and sleeping cozy. This is probably my most favorite position. He smells good like a baby, and he just snuggles right down into me, and makes my heart turn flips. I feel so blessed right now, to have such a wonderful family and a wonderful son. In spite of feeling under the weather, life is good.

Day 100....triple digits, whoo!

Apr 29

Martyn is 100 days old today! That is so fantastic! If we were Korean, we would be having a 100 day celebration for him...I'll just celebrate by telling everyone, ha!

I felt better this morning getting up, and it was hard to leave Martyn and Eli again because they looked so cozy in the recliner together. It didn't take long once at work however, to start feeling miserable, and feel that way for most of the day. At least it was the month end, so it was busy enough to kind of keep me distracted from my plight.

It seems like it would be strange symptoms, but I have to admit, there's a very very small part of me that is kind of hoping whatever my problem is, are pregnancy symptoms.....I seriously doubt they are though. Just to really clarify too, I don't want babies a year apart. Apparently though, a little bit of me does. I'll leave it at that.

When I got home tonight, Walt and Mary Jane, and their new puppy, Sissy, were all over for a visit. I started to play with the puppy when I walked in the door because she just came right over to me, but I looked up and saw Martyn and decided I'd better pay attention to him first....and wanted to pay attention to him first. I guess he was fussing a whole bunch right before I got there again, and calmed down when he saw me coming up to the door. Poor boy, he misses his mama during the day. He was in pretty good spirits for most of the evening, and allowed me to pass him off a few times to either Eli or grandparents.

So I could get some good puppy play time in too. That little pup is gonna be a big girl, and full of herself when she's grown up. She was a little feisty and frisky. I enjoyed playing with her.

It struck me odd, this was the first time I've played with a puppy that young, and didn't have that puppy want pang. In fact, playing with her and Sheba together, and holding Martyn later, made really NOT want a puppy right now. I have a 3 and half month old son, and a 2 year old dog....I do not have time for a puppy. It felt good to come to that conclusion.

For once I will be like the grandparent....I'll get to play with the puppy when we see her, but I don't have to worry about any of the training....although I think I probably will have a lot of training input, that I won't be able to keep to myself, ha!

I'm looking forward to Martyn being big enough to interact with Sheba, and now Sissy too. Oh, that reminds me...Eli told me the dogs were out playing in the yard earlier and everyone was out there watching them. Martyn just bust out laughing, his first real laugh/giggle. He must have really liked watching the dogs, that is so cute!

And I missed it. *sigh* I supposed that's just something I'll have to get used to. At least it was Eli and his parents who heard it, and not the nanny. Still though, I'm his mama....I shouldn't have to miss out on things like that. Some day, hopefully we'll be in a position where I can be with my son full time and don't have to worry about missing out on things like that. For now though, we're working on it.

Day 99....finally broke down

Apr 28

Well I did it. I broke down and called the doctor, I have an appointment on Tuesday morning. I felt awful today, and still do.

My day was kind of busy at work, but I still found time to day dream and just miss my baby. It seems like it's kind of finally hitting me. Last week wasn't so bad, and this week hasn't been bad as far as missing the baby. But I do really miss him. I think part of my woe is just that I'm not feeling physically well, and that's kind of affecting my whole mental outlook.

It's so nice, in the mornings when Martyn is not going anywhere, I can get up and let him stay in bed for a few minutes while I'm getting ready...he can stay in his pj's and I don't have to figure out what to put him in. This morning I was able to get all the way dressed, and ready in the bathroom, before I even got him out of bed. He woke up on his own pace, which didn't take too long because he was missing me in the bed. He wasn't fussy, and when he finally did wake up all the way, he just laid in bed and watched me until I picked him up...and he was really smiley.

Eli made me breakfast, and he fixed my lunch for me this morning. What a blessing!

Poor guy, I know I can be demanding sometimes, and bossy too. Usually in the mornings, once I'm up and dressed, I'm up. I may be tired, but generally can think pretty clearly. Eli is not like that. It takes him several hours to wake up and be able to think clearly, if he isn't going to work. Maybe it has to do with getting dressed or something like that.

I'll be giving orders, and he's trying to keep up with them but getting frustrated because he's not all the way awake. But he puts up with it.....like I said, what a blessing!

When I got home tonight, Eli was standing in the middle of the living room, holding Martyn. Both were looking a bit frazzled. Eli said Martyn had just been screaming his head off, until he saw my car pull up in the driveway and then he quieted right down. Eli handed him off to me and I just held him. He felt so good to me! He didn't squirm or anything like that, he just wanted mama to hold him, too. I have barely put him down since I got home at 4:30.....I just love him so much. I sat on the floor with him and played for a little while. Sheba came over and helped me clean him up when he spit up all over himself a couple times.....she's such a good dog.

Well, dinner is ready now so I better get.

Day 98...got the spins

Apr 27

Uhg. My head is still spinning and it's pretty much bed time. I don't know what it is, but it sucks. Eli suggested maybe it's an ear infection, or vertigo. That could be so.

It's bothering me enough that if I still feel like this at the end of the week, I'm willing to go to the doctor. Boo.

I haven't told anyone at work I'm feeling like this. It's not that severe, just more annoying and bothersome, distracting. The thought did occur to me today however, that perhaps I should let someone know, in case I fainted, or fell down in my office or something. I wasn't feeling like that might happen, but I guess it could have happened anyway.

I nursed Martyn for a long time in bed this morning before getting up. Man, it's hard to get up early in the morning, after only sleeping for a couple hours at a time. I know Martyn is wanting to nurse at night time, all night pretty much, with a couple hours in between....and that's ok with me. It helps keep the milk production up, but I had gotten spoiled to him sleeping long stretches at a time in the night time hours and I'm feeling it now. Janelle said he's not really taking long naps in the day, and the boy is totally ready for bed by 8 or even 7:30 at night.

*sigh* It's just a new adjustment for our family I suppose. We'll get more used to it, but it's hard right now.

Tonight when I picked Martyn up, I was feeling kind of full and asked Janelle if it was ok for me to nurse him there before I left. She said it was. I told her when I sat down, that if I ever asked if it was ok to nurse him, and she had been planning to leave or anything like that, it was totally ok if she said no, I wouldn't be offended. She kind of laughed and said ok. When I was packing Martyn up to leave, I thanked her and told her I was really glad I found her add on craigslist. She kind of paused, and then said "yeah, it's working out." I said I was glad she thought so too.

I was thinking I would like to invite her and her husband over for dinner some time. I asked Eli if he thought that would be ok, and he said he would like that. I wondered if it would be appropriate, and he said sure it would be...it's always appropriate to get to know better, the people who are caring for your infant child, ha! He's totally right. So I think I'll do that. I don't know when though. Perhaps I need to plan it a little better.

Day 97....feeling fertile

Apr 26

This morning before I left, I glanced at my fertility lick-a-stick lens, from yesterday and it was a wee bit ferny...which typically indicates ovulation, or the start of ovulation....which means I could get pregnant. Uhg. It also means I could be having a period again here in a couple weeks...boo.

Oh well, it's gotta start some time, though it seems early to me still. Martyn is barely 13 weeks old. It startled me a little when I saw that fern pattern, because it was from yesterday...This may be TMI, but I'm gonna say it anyway...if I was starting to be fertile yesterday, then there is a possibility that I could be pregnant right now because Eli and I had sex the day before yesterday. There is a very small window of time in which a woman can get pregnant, when she is ovulating it's about a 12-24 hour window.

I know I had been all concerned about possibly being pregnant when Martyn was about 7 or 8 weeks old....but the likely hood now has a much higher possibility than it did then. What's that called, "Irish twins"....if I am pregnant right now, the baby very well could be born on Martyn's 1 year old birthday....they would be exactly a year apart.

I've been thinking about that all day. I've also been feeling dizzy all day today. I don't know what it is. It's not exactly nauseated, and not exactly a headache, but kind of on both of those. It's rather unpleasant whatever it is. I was feeling like this yesterday too, but today it was the whole day.

I really missed Martyn today. I was thinking about him a lot and just wanting to hold him. When I picked him up tonight, and he saw me, he just gave me the biggest smile....which totally made my afternoon. I didn't have a bad day at all, at work. I just haven't been feeling well today, and seeing Martyn's smile washed that away for a minute.

I really like my nanny lady. I would like to get to be friends with her, but I don't know if that is appropriate or not. I think we could be friends though, she's really cool. I enjoy chatting with her, albeit briefly, when I pick up Martyn. She's a very nice, lovely lady.

It's hard to be productive in the evenings when I get home, when all I want to do is cuddle the boy up, and nurse him. He's so snuggley and warm, and sweet. But I had to make dinner, and I decided to make my lunch too, and I had to get the diapers started washing so they can go in the dryer and be dry in the morning. I put Martyn in his little seat (after spending about a half hour nursing and cuddling him right when we got home) and worked on dinner. He did so well....but after about 20 min in the seat, he was done. Which was ok, because Eli got home and dinner was ready and I could get him out.

Now he's totally crashed out in my lap, while I'm typing this. Janelle said he only slept about 45 min today, poor baby. His schedule is all out of whack, well what little schedule he had to begin with. It's time for bed.

Day 96...the long week

Apr25

Here we go, round two...the second week back to work. This is "the long week" for Eli, and for Martyn to be at Janelle's house. He was in good spirits this morning, hopefully that's a sign it will be a good week.
Pretty easy day for mama at work, though I wasn't quite feeling myself later in the day. Earlier in the day however, despite the pouring rain, I was feeling like I had a little extra spring in my step. Eli said it was the Oatmeal he made for me this morning, but I don't know about that. As the day progressed, the sun came out and it warmed up a bit, and I started feeling kind of dizzy, a little bit here and there.
By the end of the day, I was almost feeling nauseated, but not quite. My techs brought me a parts problem that needed to be dealt with right away, right when I was about to pack up and leave for the day. It delayed me leaving on time, and I was late picking Martyn up, which annoyed me.
I didn't get home until about 5:15 or so, and that didn't really give me enough time to get the kitchen cleaned up so I could start dinner and have it ready when Eli got home....so I decided to or take out and have Eli pick it up. Tomorrow I'll be more prepared for dinner because I will not have to thaw anything, so that's a plus.
Janelle said Martyn was kind of fussy all day, and didn't really get a good solid nap. When we got home, I noticed once again, that he was just chewing on his hands like crazy...he's been doing that a lot for the past week or so. I think he's just about to start cutting teeth, even though I can't see any or feel any with my finger. Poor baby, that's gotta be painful....I remember when my wisdom teeth came in, it made me kind of cranky. At least I knew how to deal with it though.
I guess babies know how to deal with cutting teeth, it's something they all have to go through. Probably another one of those things they're just born knowing how to do, ha!
Martyn fell asleep in my lap after dinner and it was barely 8 o'clock. I decided I wasn't feeling so great still and would put him to bed, get my lunch in order, and then just go to bed. Poor boy, I had to change him before I laid him down and that woke him up.

He was NOT happy with being woken up. Eli had mentioned he didn't really get any baby time tonight, so I handed Martyn off to him with a clean diaper, so I could get my lunch together and get to bed.
Here's to the start of the "long week"....hoping it goes smoother the rest of the week, ha!

Day 95...Happy Easter!

Apr 24

So I've been wanting for a while, to try out this little church over in Bethany, called Bethany Bible church...it's just about 10 min away from our house...maybe 15. Normally I don't like the idea of visiting a new church on a holiday Sunday, especially Easter, but I had been putting it off for two long. So I got Martyn ready (and myself) and we went to church this morning.....our first trip to church, that we were not going with someone we knew.

It was good. The church is really small and there were probably 100 people packed in there. I wasn't sitting in a very good spot, in case I needed to take Martyn out in a hurry, which bothered me, but he was asleep when we got there. He woke up during the singing, but stayed quiet, and the teenage girl behind us kept him entertained for a bit...he was being a big flirt like he usually does.

They sang old hymns....I don't have a problem with that at all...some of those old hymns are really terrific songs, and I grew up singing hymns in church, but these were OLD....the first one was written by John Wesley, ha! When the songs were over, and the pastor came up to start his sermon, Martyn totally filled his pants. I don't think anyone heard, but I still had to get him out of the car seat, and get the diaper bag and squeeze past 4 people to get out to change him. He wasn't fussy at least.

I took him down to this little gathering room they had, and changed him on a bench, and then decided since we were already down there, I may has well nurse him too. So I missed half the message.

I'm not willing to put him in the nursery for several reasons, mainly because I don't know anyone and neither does he...secondly, because he hasn't been vaccinated (yet) and church nursery's could potentially be as germy as a day care so, no thanks. When we came back to the service, he was a perfect baby. He was happy, and mostly quiet, with a few little baby coos which brought a volley of happy sounds from the kids behind me and the family next to us....Martyn was really interested in, and smiling a lot, at both of them.

The lady in front of me and the family who I sat next to, and one other lady, were the only ones who greeted me, or talked to me after the service. Which is really too bad. I'm going to try that church out again next week, just to be off a holiday Sunday, but I don't know if I'll be coming back again.

Nothing wrong with them, I just don't know if they are the church for me or not. We shall see.

Martyn was perfectly content to snuggle me up when we got home, and we watched Toy Story three on netflix....well, I watched it, he fell asleep at the boob. Then we both took a nice nap in the chair afterwards. Martyn started waking up and was kind of fussing around 4:15 or so, which was a good excuse for me to get up and change him, and then get cracking on cleaning up the kitchen, and getting dinner going. I made enchiladas tonight....Eli had texted me too, and said he was really looking forward to enchiladas, so I had to make them...which I had been planning to do. I put Martyn in his new little seat, and set him up on the table in the kitchen so he could see me, turned on some music and went to work. He was very happy to just play with the hanging toys, and watch me. Once in a while I would stop what I was doing and come over and kiss him, and he would smile at me every time! What a good boy, he knows who his mama is.

I managed to time it just right so dinner was ready, when Eli got out of the shower after he got home and played with the boy for a few minutes. It was perfect! I love it when that happens (which isn't a lot).

Martyn started getting kind of fussy around 7:45 or so and it took me a few minutes to figure out what his problem was. I'm all thrown off by the day light and didn't realize it was just about bed time for him. He was turning into a pumpkin, ha! So I put him to bed just in time for Eli and I to go upstairs and watch Amazing Race. Martyn woke up right at the end, and when I went down to help him back to sleep, I found he had rolled over from his side onto his belly and that's probably what woke him up. It kind of startled me. I put him on his back and got him back to sleep, and just a little while ago went and checked him before Eli went to bed, and found he had rolled from his back to his side and was sleeping pretty soundly on his side. He's rolling over!

I haven't seen him do it yet, but after tonight, I know he's not going to be safe on the couch unless he's totally tucked in and can't move at all. That is if he's unattended for a moment. Just laying on the couch with someone sitting with him is fine still.

I can't believe how fast this weekend went by. I survived the first week back to work, and it wasn't even that bad. Here we go for week two.

Day 94...sun shine

Apr 23

Martyn slept in this morning with us, and woke up all smiles. I love bringing him back to bed, and cuddling him up between Eli and I. That, and the sun shine bright morning, made this an awesome start to the weekend. We cuddled Martyn up for a little while, then I got up with him and took him in the living room and let Eli sleep a bit longer.

He had some breakfast, and fell asleep in my lap and we just had some morning quiet time. It was wonderful!

Eli and I had big plans to be productive today....and we were! We went to a baby resale store, and got Martyn this nifty little seat, with a couple hanging elephant rattles (he seems to like elephants). It rocks too. We went to the store and got groceries, and then cleaned up the living room and kitchen, and got half the laundry folded and put away, and the diapers all done. What a great day!

I took Martyn out on the porch in his new seat, and ran Sheba around the yard a bit. Martyn just watched, he was really tired out from running errands all day. It was kind of hot. But he was happy.

Martyn REALLY likes the little seat. He can bat at his little rattles hanging there, and make them make noise and swing back and forth. He was just hitting the rattles and kicking his little feet, and talking away....super cute.

I must have gotten a big dose of Vitamin D today from all the sun shine. I feel GOOD, ha! This is the first weekend as "working mom", and it feels so good. Tonight I let Martyn fall asleep in my lap, and I haven't put him to bed in the bed yet....he's on the couch with me, totally asleep. I'm happy to just look at him, and so thankful he's my son. I'm really looking forward to seeing more of his little personality come out.

Day 93...Good Friday

Apr 22

It's Good Friday today. Totally bright and sun-shiney and Martyn slept for 8 hours last night! That was awesome. He did wake up once, just briefly and wend right back to sleep, so that was ok. That sure did make getting up this morning a lot easier, and he was really happy and calm to boot.

I made some extra effort to really communicate clearly with people at work this morning....for the wrong reasons though. My feelings were hurt about my reprimand yesterday, pride was still stinging a bit. How do I get into the habit of doing that, just because it's the right (and best) thing to do. Funny thing is, my boss totally came back to my office later in the morning to get something, and stopped and said "good communication this morning Beth, I really appreciate that."

I was totally not even expecting that, and it made my morning...kind of gave me a bit of a kick, and got me out of my hurt-feelings-sulk. Then it was a great day.

A good friend sent me "The Vaccine Book" by Dr. Sears, and I was reading it today at lunch. (Thanks Kate!) Very interesting. I'm going through it before we get Martyn Vaccinated, and Eli hopefully will read it too. I love learning about these things!

When I got home, Eli and Martyn and I took Sheba for a nice walk. It was SO nice outside! Just a touch windy in our neighborhood though, which I think both Martyn and I got slightly wind chapped/burned cheeks. Still though, it was just wonderful to be outside....a lot of people in our neighborhood were our enjoying the sunshine too.

Eli had taken Martyn on his first trip to Ottos to get sausage for game night. We went to game night, and Eli cooked up some tasty sausages for everyone. By the time we ate though, and started games, it was pretty much time for bed for Martyn. He had fallen asleep in the car seat on the way there, and I left him asleep in it. He woke up right after we ate and needed a diaper change and to be nursed, but he was so very tired and cranky! I changed and nursed him, while everyone else was getting settled into games with out me...which really, was fine with me, I didn't really feel like playing games anyway.

Then he was ready to back to sleep so I laid him down on the couch with the pacifier and he was out.

I made the command decision right then, that Martyn and I are pretty much not going to Friday night game night any more, for a while. At least until he's a little older and has a more solid sleep schedule....he didn't get a really good, lengthy nap today. I was tired too.

When everyone finished the first round of games, around 9:40 or so, I got Martyn into the car seat and told Eli if he wanted to stay that was fine, but he had to get himself a ride home because Martyn and I needed to go home and go to bed. Not at all in a snarky way. I had told Eli that on the way there in the first place. He got his friend Eric, who lives near to us, to take him home so Martyn and I left.

When we got home, he was so so tired. I got him ready for bed, and put him in bed, so I could get ready for bed. He was not happy that I didn't get in bed with him right away. It was actually pretty cute.

Over all, it was a good first week back to work. I got paid for my vacation cash out, and that made it really feel like I was back to work. More like, it made me remember in part, why I am back to work.

Looks like we're gonna make it after all.

Day 92...ouch, pride.

Apr 21

What a day. It's not so much that it was full of very tiring activities at work....but still really tiring none the less. I'm totally beat.

Eli and I had a better routine this morning...we're still getting the hang of what we need to do in the mornings, both when he's working and when he isn't. Things just went a lot smoother today than yesterday. It was hard to leave my boys though, looking all cozy in the recliner.

I was feeling pretty good about getting my "groove" back for work until around 10 or so. I got a slight reprimand about my snaffoo yesterday, and a little talking to about some other stuff. Which really, wasn't so bad at all, but it was a bit of a blow to the pride I have to admit.

A little while after that, maybe an hour or so, I was thinking about the whole thing and it occurred to me that it was a good thing. If really want to become a midwife, (I really really do) then I need to make it a habit in all aspects of my life to be very thorough and pay close attention to detail.

Eli brought Martyn by at lunch time, which was the highlight of my day. It was also nice to be able to nurse him on one side, instead of pumping....which I'm also getting into a routine for doing that at work. Oh how I wish I could just be home with my family though.

I think I may have gotten a little dehydrated yesterday, and it was showing today...my cheeks were really rosy all day, like I had been sun burned. I actually think it's just from being tired. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday, I really don't feel like dealing with anyone this weekend. I'm intending to just chill out with the boy and my husband all weekend.

Day 91...thanks Grandpa

Apr 20

Today is Martyn's 3 month birthday!

It was also Eli's first day with the boy, though he didn't have him the entire day. He had to go into work for an hour, for a special certification so his dad came into town to watch the boy.

Before that, I had texted Eli about 8:30 or so to see how things were going. He said Martyn screamed through his first feeding and gave Eli a head ache.

But was a good boy for Grandpa, and they both enjoyed it. That makes my heart happy.

I had more work to do today, and it really felt like I was getting back into my "groove", as one of my vendors put it. I'm really noticing, and kind of reminiscing over how different it feels physically, being at work now than it did the last month of my pregnancy. The shop is much less treacherous for me, I'm able to walk across the lot much more comfortably and quickly, I can easily lift and carry things, light or heavy. I think I like it better. During walk through in the mornings, I don't have to sway so my hips and ankles don't hurt, every time we stop at a car. I don't feel the need to relieve the pressure on my lower back and pelvis....it just much better.

I feel like I can really get down to business at work now. The whole time I've been in this position at my job, up until now, I've been pregnant (or on maternity leave). In fact, I found out I was pregnant when we got back from our trip at the end of May last year....I started working for Kadel's at the beginning of April, so nearly the whole time I've been employed by them I've been pregnant. Weird. They seem to like me quite a bit. I want to do a good job while I'm there, however much longer that is....don't get me wrong, I don't want to work there forever. I don't want to be working there for that much longer, but it could be quite a while still, and I'm ok with that.

I'm thinking about starting to ride the MAX to work on days that Eli is home. It would mean he would have to drive me to the station in the morning, but I could totally walk from where I would get off, to my work in just a few minutes, it's really close by. That way Eli could have the car, and if he needed to go anywhere during the day, wouldn't have to take the boy in his truck. We'll see.

Martyn really wanted mama this evening. As long as he had my attention he was pretty happy, even if i wasn't holding him. As long as I was paying attention to him, he was pretty content. I think he's really processing all this change, because the last couple days he's had a big nap during the day, and then was ready for bed by 8 o'clock. Tonight he fell asleep in my lap and I went to lay him down in the bed and he was out. He didn't even wake up a little bit. That's good I guess, but I know it's hard for him. He's doing great though. It's hard for me too. Having three months off, it's really hard to get back into the habit of getting up every morning at 5, and getting out the door on time to get to work on time, and working all day. I'm glad my job isn't extremely physically demanding...I'd be in a bad way if it were.

Well, my eyelids are getting heavy so I'm done.

Day 90...moo

Apr 19

Martyn is 90 days old today! What the heck? How is it possible that he is three months old already? The time is just flying by.

Today was not bad at all. It was beautiful weather out, and work actually felt like I was getting back into the swing of things. It felt good actually. I missed Martyn like crazy, but not like I thought I was going to. I thought before I went back to work, that I would just be completely distraught over not being with him all day. I didn't feel like that, which I'm glad for.

However, I do miss him being able to nurse when ever he wants. I put myself on a pumping schedule, which seems to be pretty good so far, but I'm starting to feel a bit like a cow....oh well.

When I picked Martyn up this evening, he was sitting in Janelle's little bouncy baby seat, with a rattle in his hand. Janelle's baby girl was laying on the floor next to him, with a rattle in her hand, and Janelle says to me, "we're having a little rattle time." It was super cute! I wished I had had my camera with me. Martyn was very happy, and it sounds like he had a good day, with a minimal amount of fussing.

When we got home, he was ready to snuggle up with mama and nurse right away, which was good because I was REALLY ready for him to. I still had to pump the other side, one side was way too much for him as it was.

The sun was really bright and shining in the living room, and I sat Martyn on the floor on his little mat, with the boppy. It was so nice to just chat with him, and play with him and not have to worry about dinner...Eli had texted me earlier and asked if we could get take out tonight and I was all for it.

When he came home, Eli was really tired and hungry. He ate and I held the baby, then we tried to switch but poor Martyn didn't want to be held by anyone but mama. I told Eli to not have his feelings hurt, think about the adjustment Martyn was going through...being used to having his mama all day, every day, with him and now I'm sitting right here and not holding him.

He took a little nap, and woke up and was cranky so I decided it was time for bed. He went down pretty easy, although I just heard him making a little noise....I don't know if he woke up, or if he was just getting situated. I think the latter.

Tomorrow will be Eli's first (nearly) full day with Martyn. He has to go into work for an hour for some certification, so Grandpa Walt is going to come over and take care of Martyn for an hour. I'm really glad for that, but I have to admit I'm feeling just a little nervous about it. Both men love Martyn and mean well for him, but they just don't have a mothers instinct. It seems funny to me, that after having left Martyn with a woman I barely know, and now he's going to be with his daddy and grandpa who he knows and I know and love, that I would feel nervous about them caring for him....it'll be fine.

I just need to get over myself.

Day 89...and away we go

Apr 18

"hi ho, hi ho it's off to work we go...."

First day back to work today. I have to say, it wasn't bad at all. Just very very long, for lack of stuff to do.

I got up with Martyn a few minutes before the alarm went off...I'm weird like that, and he woke up so I just decided to go ahead and get up and get started with the morning routine...or lack of, rather. I got Martyn all ready to go and Eli got up and got himself ready. I nursed the boy, and then finished getting dressed, then it was time for Eli to leave.

I had packed my lunch, the diaper bag and the breast pump bag all last night so I knew those were ready to go. All I had to worry about was breakfast, and getting everything (including the baby) into the car and heading out on time. I had also figured it would take me about 20 min to get to the nanny's house...

Once I was all ready to go, I thought I better check Martyn's diaper one last time...I didn't want to send him over with a full or dirty diaper. Good thing I checked, because he totally pooped through his diaper and pants and shirt. Gross. Kind of annoying too because I really wanted him to wear those pants today! Oh well, that wasn't the end of the world. He was looking kind of tired, and I figured he was going to go back to sleep on the way over, and I was right.

I made it to the nanny's house (her name is Janelle) in 10 minutes! So much for morning traffic....that's good to know though, because it means I have time in the mornings that I have to take him over there, and don't have to feel rushed. If there's traffic for whatever reason, I have a little room to get him there on time. She was up and waiting for me, which added to my relief. It was hard to drop him off....but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I really like her, and trust that she's going to take good care of my boy.

As I was driving away from her house though, fear and doubt started trying to creep into my head...."did I send enough milk with him? did I send enough diapers? Will she change him enough? Will she play with him during the day? Is she going to try to give him formula if she runs out of milk?" (I had forgotten to tell her not to if that happened) But also as I drove away, the sun was shining and lifted my spirits.

I got to work and said good morning to everyone, made it through walk through easy enough, and then emailed all my vendor contacts and let them all know I was back! I got a lot of welcome back email responses, which made me feel good. My temporary replacement Neil, was there and got me all up to speed on everything. I think he'll be there tomorrow too, which is good because he can continue to get me up to speed from the last three months, but it's also bad because there is NOTHING to do.

I set my breast pump all up, and warned Neil that I was going to have to pump several times today, and I would be covered up, but if he was weirded out by that, I would give him fair warning and he could leave the office for a few minutes. He was a good sport about it, and said he wasn't weirded out, which I appreciated.

When I did need to pump the first time, he was very polite and left the room for me to get all set up. It was still early enough, that none of the techs were there and likely to either walk by the window or walk into the office. However, I didn't cover up right away and one of the techs did go by the window and totally got an eye full.

I apologized to him a little later and said "hey, sorry if I flashed you earlier...." He just kind of shrugged it off, and said "eh, it's nothing I haven't seen before"....which made me feel a little less embarrassed, so that was good.

I think I got a good routine for pumping down, every few hours. The day dragged on, and finally it was time to leave. I got to Janelle's house right at 4:3o when I said I would and Martyn was awake. I had been looking forward to picking him up and just holding him all day long. She told me it went pretty well. Martyn got on the same nap schedule as her little baby, Ava. He was good, with just a little bit of fussing. He had plenty of milk and plenty of diapers.

I stayed for a little while and nursed him, and just talked with her some more. It was nice. Then Martyn and I stopped by the store on the way home.

I played with him for a bit when we first got home and he seemed happy enough to see me, but not hugely excited, like I had kind of hoped he would be. I got meat out to thaw, which just happened when Eli got home. Eli took him while I cooked dinner.

My feelings were almost hurt that Martyn wasn't super excited to see me, but when dinner was ready he really wanted to just snuggle down and nurse with Mama. That made me feel better.

After dinner i decided it was time for a bath to get the boy ready for bed. After a bath, he went down pretty easy.

So over all, it was a pretty good day. Martyn only goes to Janelles twice this week....I'm finding it hard to get my mind around the idea that I'm going to work tomorrow, man I'm beat! On that note, I'd better get to bed.

Day 88...Last full day

Apr 17

Today was my last full day with Martyn until next Saturday...boo!

Actually, I'm doing ok. I am excited and nervous to go back to work tomorrow...but I'm not really nervous about Martyn being with the nanny lady all day. I like her a lot and feel very confident in her ability to care for my son, in a loving way.

Going to work tomorrow, I have no idea what to expect. I don't know if we're busy, or slow or what...or if they're going to have my temporary replacement fellow stay there to get me caught up, or if I'm just expected to get caught up myself....The anticipation and not knowing what to expect is what's freaking me out right now. I'm glad that's all. I am going to miss the boy though. I'm going to have to figure out some kind of pumping schedule during the day too. I'm going to bring my breast pump and my nursing cover (the hooter hider) and just plan on pumping every couple hours in my office....they're all just going to have to deal with that, ha!

Today, I literally held Martyn nearly the whole day. We took a big fat nap in the recliner and I just held onto him, as if for dear life. I figured I better get that in while I can. This week he's going to be changing and I'm not going to be there to see it until the evenings....at least I get off work early enough that I have some time with him and Eli in the evenings. I need some prayer this week, it's going to be a big adjustment for all of us.

We decided Eli will bring Martyn to see me for lunch once a week, so I can nurse him at lunch time and also just to see him. It will be good to see them both actually. I'm feeling a little apprehensive about it all, but at the same time feeling like it's all going to be ok. We just have to work out the kinks and figure out the groove, and get into it. Settle in for the long haul basically. I know it's going to be ok, and it will get easier as we go, but I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a very emotional day for me.

Praying for strength.

Day 87...Road trip!

Apr 17

Normally, the rain on the metal roof at the grandparents house puts me right to sleep, but I just couldn't get comfy last night.

Martyn slept ok, and Eli slept really well so that's good. I got up with Martyn about 6:15 or so. I decided I may has well just get up and get coffee going and stuff because it probably wouldn't be long until Mary Jane was up.

We had decided we were going to try to leave a little early, like around 8 or so, so we could get up to Kennewick with plenty of time to tool around and visit a few people before the shower at 2. It was kind of nice to get up and spend a little time with Martyn early in the morning too. I sure do love to snuggle and hug that little boy!

I got his diaper all changed, and put clean clothes on him, and once again he was all smiles. That really does make mornings easier, when you see smiling boy.

Mary Jane came down just a little while after me, I guess she was up in the office.

We had a little time together with the boy before Walt came down and then I went upstairs and got Eli up too. We all had breakfast together and visited and then Mary Jane and I left around 10....so much for leaving early, ha!

It was cloudy, and a little misty but not bad driving at all. I drove. As we got past The Dalles, it started clearing up and the sun came out...it was a really nice drive. Martyn just went right to sleep. I figured we would need to stop and give him a break at some point...and give me a break too because I was going to be super full on both sides before we got all the way to Kennewick, which is about three hours from Carson where we were.

What a beautiful drive! I really enjoyed myself. Mary Jane worked on some of her knitting and talked with me and Martyn just slept. We stopped in Umatilla, which is the last little town you go through before crossing back over the Columbia river, and only about 40 min or so away from Kennewick. We got a sub sandwich and I nursed and changed the boy, and we took off with Mary Jane driving.

We deiced to go stop by Maressa's house before heading to the shower, but we got a little turned around and lost, and had to call and get more directions. We had planned to stop by her house, then head over to her dads house, then head to the shower, but our getting lost delayed us a little too much to do that. So we only stopped by her house, and then followed her to the shower.

As always, it was fun to show Martyn off at the shower. Always the little charmer, and such a good boy. He was just quiet and observant, but very alert. Maressa's little girl Kaelyn was cute....at one point Maressa was holding Martyn, and Kaelyn goes "I want to pat the baby...." very sweet.

I drove again on the way home, we stopped in Umatilla again to get gas. Martyn woke up, but not enough for me to get him out of the car seat...and as soon as we got past Umatilla and got back on the free way, he fell right back to sleep.

I didn't mean to do this, but I was cruising on the way home. We had planned to meet Eli and Walt in Cascade Locks so that Eli and I could just leave straight from there and head home since he had to work the next day and it would be about 7 when we got there. It was such a nice drive, and weather was great, even though a little windy....but I was totally flying. Big ole' lead foot.

We called the guys when we got to the Dalles, and still beat them by about ten minutes...oops. Oh well.

We had dinner at Char burger in Cascade Locks, which is right under the Bridge and next to the river....a fantastic view of the river actually. I really enjoyed it. Walt took the boy and held onto him while Eli and I had dinner, and passed him to Mary Jane so he could eat his dinner too. They sure do love that grand son....it's so fun to see.

It was a good road trip. I really enjoyed getting to spend the time with Mary Jane, especially on the way home we had really good conversation. I am blessed to have such a wonderful Mother in law, and even more so to have such a good relationship with her. It feels good, and I like knowing that when Martyn is old enough to understand, he will see that we have a good relationship with each other and hopefully that will carry on to when he is a young man and married....it's just sweet to have good relationships with the people around you, and the people in your family especially.

Day 86...lets take it easy

Apr 15

Tax day!

Which means nothing to me since we did our taxes in February, ha!

We mostly just took it easy today. It was nice to just be home with my guys and the dog. I even had the privilege to take a nap in the recliner with Martyn....that still hasn't gotten old.

After that, we packed up and headed up the gorge to spend the night at the grandparents house, then for Mary Jane, Martyn and I tomorrow are heading out to Kennewick for Maressa's baby shower....I'm going for three reasons...one, to show off my boy, two, to be supportive of Maressa, and three, to have a fun road trip with Mary Jane.

I've been kind of looking forward to it all week.

As usual, Walt and Mary Jane were very excited to have Martyn come spend the night. Walt cracks me up, he's such a big ole' softy when it comes to the boy. Of course Martyn is a little charmer too, and just smiled everyone up a whole bunch.

I put him to bed upstairs and came back down for a while. We had the tv on, but not loud and I thought I kept hearing him cry but I wasn't sure. Finally, I thought I better go and check on him and as soon as I got to the stair well I could hear him crying. Poor boy, I went up and he was laying in the same position I had put him in, and tucked the blankets around him, just crying....it melts my heart to see or hear him crying like that. I decided I would just go to bed with him.

This was a pretty uneventful day.

Day 85...First check up!

Apr 14

Martyn had his first pediatric check up today!

It went well. I like the pediatrician we saw, and I think we'll see her again (on purpose even!) in the future. She seemed pretty down to earth, and not terribly judgemental of my strong choice to not get his shots today, but delay them a bit. She gave us information on the vaccines, and didn't push for us to get them today.

I didn't get his second new born screen after he was born....I had decided one was enough and she was kind of surprised by that. So we did a second new born screen today, which normally is just a heal prick...but it was kind of a heal prick/slice. Poor baby....I thought for a minute he wasn't even going to cry. Eli was holding him when the nurse did it, and his reaction was totally delayed.

I don't know what the heck I'm going to do when he starts getting his shots, I'll probably cry right along with him! That's coming up soon too. Most people who choose to vaccinate their kids I think just go right along with the suggested vaccination schedule, that's fine if you want to do that but I don't.

The catch 22 about that, is that he's going to end up getting more pokes from the shots....but I think I'd rather deal with that, and a slightly sore leg, than a possible reaction to a bulk of shots, and not know what shot caused the reaction.

I suppose we'll just have to see how it goes when the time comes.

Earlier today, before we went to the pediatrician, Eli and I were talking about our parenting decisions, and about the vaccinations a bit. I was saying, and he agreed with me, that I don't want to be the kind of parent who makes decisions about their kids just because it's the norm, or easy thing to do...but at the same time I don't want to be the parent who doesn't do something, just because it's the norm. It's hard to find the balance between just going with the flow and completely rebelling against the flow.

I want to be the kind of parent who puts serious thought into how I raise my kids. It's a serious responsibility. I want to have a vested interest in my sons life....everything from his health and growth, to his mental and emotional development. I don't want to control everything that happens in his life, but it's important that I (and Eli) take very direct actions in the way we treat and raise our boy.

I feel good about that.

After the check up, we stopped back by our house quickly and got some milk and a few extra diapers and headed over to the nanny lady's house to drop Martyn. I had put two, two oz full bottles of milk, not expecting Martyn to need them both because I had just nursed him at the doctors office.

We then went to dinner, and a movie....date night number two. I felt better about this one, but felt bad because Martyn had just had his heal pricked. He wasn't terribly fussy, but still I just wanted to hold him more after that. But we had a good time on our date. After dinner, we still had nearly an hour until our movie started, and I was already getting uncomfortably full in the boobs. We decided to run home real quick so I could pump, because if we waited until we picked Martyn up, I would be ready to burst, ha!

I was super full, I pumped just over 5 oz between both sides....that's a lot! Boy I felt better after that though, whew!

We caught our movie and then stopped by the store so we could get cash to pay the nanny. When we picked up Martyn, he seemed happy enough. He totally ate both of the bottles worth that I brought....I was kind of surprised...guess he was just hungry. He had this little telephone rattle in his hand and was happy with that, which was super cute. She said he was just a little fussy, but good over all.

She told us about this big baby stuff sale in Hillsboro, and said I should check it out if I could. I think I will do that as part of my day tomorrow. The plan right now, is for me to stay out as much as I can tomorrow and let Eli take care of the boy for several hours alone, as practice for next week when he's going to have to take care of the boy all day.

Tonight, even though this was a good day and a good evening, I'm feeling kind of down. I'm sad about going back to work on Monday, and I'm sad about Martyn's heal prick....I'm feeling apprehensive about him getting his shots, like I said, I think I'll probably cry right along with him. I just want to hold him and snuggle him up, and I feel like I'm running out of time to do that...which I know is kind of silly. It's not like I'm going to be loosing my boy entirely, but I just feel like I'm going to miss him so much!

I've been trying to get my head back into the things of work, like remembering my vendors' names, ha! But when ever I do that, I just get distracted by my wonderful son and can't think of any work things...hehe. Oh well. I'll just rally when I have to.

Day 84...play day with the boy

Apr 13

Today was such a blast!

This morning when Eli got up, he says to me, "are you getting up or staying down?" I was totally sleepy, and said "staying down." But Martyn wouldn't let me stay down for too long, which is good. We got up around 7am.

I pretty much just hung out with the baby. Every chance I got today, I just played with him, or talked to him until he got tired and needed a nap. It was great! I love that communication we have. I think it's funny too, when he's in the bassinet, if he wakes up and wants to call me before he starts really crying, he will chirp. It's kind of cute, but really amazing that he already seems to understand how that works. If I don't respond to his chirping within a minute or two, then he'll start making more noise, and crying eventually. But the chirping he'll do and wait a few seconds, then do it again.

Babies are so incredible.

Martyn was very chatty today. He just wanted to tell me all about it too. While I was making dinner, I sat him on the floor in the dining room, with the boppy and his blanket and another pillow so he could sit up and watch me in the kitchen, and so I could have both hands free. I turned on some music and went o work. He was totally content to watch and listen to me the whole time. I think he's developing a taste for music too because on some songs, he totally "sang" along...which was super cute. He was really experimenting with different sounds and baby noises, and flailing his little arms and kicking his feet.

When I had everything going for dinner and was done with the cooking part, I picked him up and danced him around the kitchen and sang along with the music that was playing and he got very quiet and observant. He's such a smart boy!

We were sitting in the recliner quietly, for a few minutes before Eli got home and when he came in and came over to us, Martyn totally got all excited and started talking to Eli like crazy....he must have just been really happy to see his daddy and that was heart melting for both of us.

After dinner, I passed the boy over to Eli and took the dog for a walk...she stayed on the leash the whole time, and we had a great walk. Nice and brisk, but relaxing at the same time. When we got home, Eli was sitting in the recliner, with Martyn passed out in his lap. Very precious....much better than the other day when we got home from a walk to find Martyn screaming and the dog being a bad girl and running off into the neighbors yard, ha!

I nursed Martyn when he woke up a little while after and then was holding him in my lap...he was standing up and I wasn't paying attention and he totally spit up all over me....and when I looked at him, he gave me the biggest cheese face....I said to him while I was reaching for the spit cloth, "that's not funny son...." and he almost laughed. That little stinker!

Days like today make me feel like everything is gonna be ok. Not that it isn't already, but I just feel good about being a mom, and a wife. I feel like I did what I was supposed to do, and I enjoyed doing it. I was thinking about how much I enjoy interacting with my boy now, while he's small....I'm SO looking forward to when he's bigger and can hold an understandable conversation, and wrestle (with me and with Eli) and just cuddle up. I love watching his development right now though...he is just amazing to me.

I'm so glad to be his mama!

Day 83...Vaccination information

Apr 12

I did not get up with Eli this morning, and I'm so glad I didn't. I feel SO much better than I have for the last few days and I think it had a lot to do with just sleeping in a couple extra hours today, and doing a steam pot last night. I don't know how much the steam pot helped my congestion, but it really relaxed me, which helped me get to sleep and stay asleep until Martyn woke me up.

I got up and nursed the boy....he's so happy in the morning when he wakes up on his own, it's just amazing. I sure am going to miss getting up with him easy like this. I'll just have to savor my weekends all the more.

I keep thinking about how he's going to be with the nanny lady, when she has him from early in the morning. I imagine he'll probably fall back asleep in the car on the way over to her house in the morning, and probably stay sleeping for a while (at least I hope that's what he'll do) and then wake up hungry and confused because he's in a new place and mama is no where to be found....oh man that makes me want to cry.

I think he'll do ok actually...I don't know how I'm going to do...I can't say that I'm likely to be all that productive at work the first week back. We shall see. Perhaps it will be busy enough for me to remain distracted through out the day, except for when I'll have to pump, and I won't be missing Martyn soooo much as I think I will be.

I think I need to really focus my thoughts on the positive, which is that me going to work is going to help us get to a better financial place, which means better living situation for us down the road...not that our living situation is bad by any means right now...but it could be better, and will be because I'm going back to work right now.

I finally went to the Vaccination Seminar I've been putting off since the middle of my pregnancy. I wish Eli could have come too, but it's ok that he didn't. It was a lot of information packed into a two hour session, with Dr. Edwin Hofman-Smith, and Naturopath Pediatrician in Portland, whom I find to be highly respectable. He did our ultra-sound for Martyn and I was very pleasantly surprised and impressed with him. So during my pregnancy class when my midwife recommended his vaccine seminar, I knew I would be attending at some point....he does it ever second Tuesday of the month, and I've slacked on going until now.

Actually I'm glad I went last night. Another couple from my pregnancy class was there too, which was cool. It was a very comfortable environment, and 4 other couples had their babies with them as well.

The whole atmosphere made me feel like I wanted to have my own Midwifery practice, and welcome people in and keep them informed and educated on childbirth and children's health, in a safe environment.

I got a lot of handouts that I need to read, and had to kind of take mental notes since I had Martyn to take care of and no spouse to either hold him or take notes for me. I think I remembered all the good points to talk over with Eli though....maybe I should write them down though just in case, ha!

The conclusion I came to afterwards, is that we will get Martyn vaccinated, but not with all of the 'recommended' vaccines and certainly not on the 'recommended' schedule....no no, they will be much further spread out. One at a time basically, except for the ones that are lumped together into one vaccine, and those will NOT be until he's closer to two years old. I had been leaning toward that idea in the first place, but I got more information to back up that thought tonight.

It's funny to me how far I've come in life, as far as "liberal" thinking goes. I don't even really think it's all that liberal, it makes perfect sense to me that people be informed about the decisions they make about their own health, and the health, and raising of their children. 10 years ago, I never would have even considered that I shouldn't follow the recommended vaccine schedule for any kids I may have. Even just 3 years ago, when I first moved to Oregon. Although, at that point I did have at least some experience with the idea (from Jon and Song).

I made an appointment for Martyn's first check up, this coming Thursday. While I was making the appointment, and getting set up as a new patient, one of the questions they asked about him was if he's been vaccinated yet and I said no. So I'm wondering if they are planning on starting that at this appointment. They are going to have a big surprise when I decline starting the vaccine series for him until he's a little older....just a few more weeks, but still, according to the recommended schedule, he's already a month behind....Why in the world would you vaccinate a little 2 month old baby, with any thing?

There was a lady at the seminar last night who had a two month old, and she held her up for the whole room to see....she's so little! It just doesn't seem logical to inject a baby that little, who's brain development is at a critical stage at that point of life, with anything at all. I just don't get it.

Or maybe I do, and that's the difference.

Day 82...Snot bubble

Apr 11

I don't know about this getting up with Eli business....I know I need to get back into the habit of it, but man...my body and everything else is telling me I should have stayed in bed a bit longer.

Martyn really cracks me up though. He protests getting up so early, only for a few minutes, then he's just happy and super bright eyed. What a cutie! He makes it worth it....I imagine next week when I'm suffering at work, and totally engorged because I haven't been able to nurse my baby every couple hours, and have to pump on my lunch break (or more) and super tired just from dealing with work stuff again, that I'll think about my boy and realize it's all worth it because I'm doing it for him.

I didn't last very long this morning. Martyn was ready for a nap about 7:30 or 8 maybe, and I just let him fall asleep on my chest, and laid the recliner back and took a nap with him until 11:30. I felt much better after that. Well, much better is a relative term. Much better in that I got more sleep, but not much better over all..still had a huge snot bubble head. I hate that feeling. It's like a medicine high, with out the helpful part. Just all fuzzy and spacey. Poor Martyn is still all stuffed up too....it doesn't seem to be bothering him that much though, he just sounds terrible once in a while.

We got in the mail today, this nifty little play mat for Martyn. It has a little pillow that he can lay on his back or on his tummy. If on his tummy, in front of him has several fun things to look at and touch. The whole thing also has a measuring ruler on it. It was from Auntie Barb.

I put him on it right away on his tummy, and he liked it ok for a bit. As usual, he got frustrated and started fussing, so I turned him over on his back and he just smiled and laughed (not quite a giggle yet, but it's coming) and kicked his little legs while I talked to him. I grabbed one leg and stretched him out to see how long he is, and according to that thing, he's 24 inches long! Such a big boy, two whole feet already! I had fun with that...that was the best part of the day.

I didn't do a whole lot today. I got the dishes done and the towels folded and made tacos for dinner. I had texted Eli to get some stuff for tacos on the way home from work but he didn't get the text until he got home. So he went back out to the store for me, what a wonderful husband! Even though he was super tired. I sure do love him. When he got back, I was feeling bad for not having taken the dog out for a walk when the weather was good during the day. I just didn't have the energy to pack the kid up in the stroller and take them both out. But I decided to take Sheba up to the park, if Eli would take care of Martyn, whom I had just fed so he wouldn't be needing that.

So Sheba and I went up to the park, but there were a lot of people and a couple people with dogs so I was only able to let her off the leash for a few minutes. She has lost her good recall, mostly because we haven't been working with her for a while like we should have been. So when I got attention and she came to me, I put her back on the leash before she noticed the other dogs and ran over to them.

I decided we would go up the street and back, I wasn't feeling like going very far. I let her off the leash on the way back and she did great until we got to our next door neighbor's house, and then she bolted off into his back yard (he doesn't have a fence) and wouldn't come to me. She just wanted to play, and every time I approached her, she would run away. I was getting really frustrated, especially when I was standing to the side of our house, near our bedroom window and I could hear Martyn screaming his head off. Finally, I just got fed up and went in the house, took the baby from Eli, and sent him out to get her.

He said Martyn started in on his screaming right after I left with the dog and he spent the whole time (about a half hour) trying to calm him down, and he just calmed right before I walked in the door.

It took Eli about another 15 to 20 min to corral Sheba...by then he was pretty frustrated too. We decided we have to start over with her since we've slacked so much in the last few months...she just can't be off the leash any more until her recall is back up to where it used to be, or better. At the dog park, and in the woods (Forrest Park) are the only places she can be off the leash now....which is lame, but it's what we have to do. Also, we HAVE to get back into the habit of talking her for at least a 30 min walk every day. Poor girl, I feel so bad about the way we've kind of neglected her. She's such a good dog.

Martyn was pretty much toast after that, and just ready for bed. So I put him in these nifty little pj's that Grammie gave him....they are closed on the bottom, so they keep him extra warm and he can rub his little feet together, which is good for him. He calmed right down in that little baby night gown. He went to sleep pretty easily too....it only took me about 15 minutes, as opposed to the normal 30 to 45 minutes it sometimes takes to get him to go to sleep.

I decided once he was asleep to do a steam pot because I was just super stuffed up and feeling awful. I like how when you hold your head over the steam pot with a towel over it, that it makes your lips sweat and you can almost feel the steam fill your mouth up when you breath in. I think it helped. At the very least it relaxed me a whole lot.

Day 81...as good as ever

Apr 10

(I'm slightly annoyed with this one, because I had it all typed out and then lost it somehow, and now am having to retype it...grrr!)

Today marks the start of getting up at 5 am with Eli, so I can get in the habit of it for work next week...boo! It was hard to get up today.

I had a plan to go down to Independence to visit Rachel and Bryan, so I decided to just go early and go to church with them.

One benefit of getting up so stinking early, when you don't have to go to work, is you have more time to get things done around the house. I got a ton of stuff taken care of before I left to go to Rachel's.

I made it to her house about 15 minutes before they were leaving for church, and Martyn was still sleeping from the car ride. So we just loaded him up in their car and headed to church. He slept through the whole worship service, which surprised me because it was loud!

They had a guest speaker, and just before he went up to do his sermon, Martyn woke up and filled his diaper so I took him out and changed and nursed him.

When I came back in, the sermon was nearly over. Martyn was happy and aware, so Rachel asked if she could take him. I passed him over. She told me later, while she was holding him and keeping him entertained and quiet in church, she felt kind of surreal...she remembered holding me in church, and keeping me entertained and quiet while Mom played the piano.

I thought that was a fun memory.

We had lunch when we got home, and then Rachel and Martyn and I went to Dallas (the next town over) so Rachel could show me the house they are trying to buy. It's a nice little place, I think it would be just perfect for them....I hope they get it.

On the way back, Rachel wanted to show me this other house that was for sale in Independence, just down the way from the house they live in now. It's an old historic house, built in like 1860 or something like that. It was huge! On a corner lot, with a nice size yard, and a little detached garage in back. It had a really huge front porch, with a swing...that was Rachel's big appeal, ha! I was looking in the windows, and walking around the side trying to see in. When I got to the back door, I checked it and it was unlocked. I thought it was just a utility closet, but there was another door inside there, that led into the kitchen, which was also unlocked. So I decided to give us a self guided tour of the place.

I don't see that as trespassing, since we were not causing any damage to the property, or stealing anything...we were just having a look, and it was a little exciting. Silly I know.

What a cool place! If we wanted to live in Independence, and had the time to put into it, that would be a great buy....but boy that house needed some work. It would be a full time job just getting it livable and updated. Most of the stuff would be pretty awesome, but all the pipes I imagine, and all the bathroom and kitchen fixtures would need updating.

That was kind of a fun adventure. We left Martyn in the car and locked the doors since he was sleeping, and the neighborhood was safe enough on a Sunday afternoon.

Bryan had told me his father had just passed away on Friday and he was trying to figure out how to get down to AZ for a memorial service this week. I told them I would watch the dogs if they needed me to. Poor Bryan...I think he's taking it a lot harder than he's letting on.

We came home and hung out, and had dinner and then I left. I made it home in time to watch the latter half of the Amazing Race with Eli. Martyn was fussy when we got home, because he wanted to be nursed, and I really wanted a bowl of cereal. I handed him off to Eli to soothe momentarily while I gobbled down my cereal...Eli has yet to learn how to soothe Martyn without getting all flustered. Later I told him he just needs to remember to take a break, and calm down himself....when he gets flustered, Martyn only builds up steam...same goes for me too I suppose.

He's gotta learn sometime....because he's about to get a crash course in taking care of his son. I only have a week left, then it's back to work time. Uhg. Well, actually I'm feeling ok about it. I have confidence in the nanny lady, and I have building confidence in Eli. I know Eli loves his son, and that love is good fuel to learn how to care for him when mama is not there to help. He's doing well too...it just takes time. Perhaps the crash course is the best way, ha!

Day 80...knitting adventures

Apr 9

My youngest niece is 1 year old today....sheesh, that year went by so fast! It's even stranger to think I wasn't even pregnant yet a year ago....almost though, I got pregnant at the end of April last year.

So today Martyn and I went with Mary Jane to her knitting club to visit all the ladies. I had a lot of fun showing off my boy. I always have fun showing him off, but especially when it is to people who specially request a visit from him, ha! All the ladies were so fun. I'm not a knitter, but I really enjoyed just talking with them all and watching them knit their little projects and take pictures of different ones holding Martyn.

He slept for a while when we first arrived, but then when he woke up he was very happy and alert, as usual. I seriously have the best baby ever! Well ok, perhaps I am just a bit on the biased side. (smile)

When we came back home, Eli and his dad were sitting at the table talking and having a beer. Now when I walked in the door I smelled the beer across the room. It wasn't like it was stinking or anything like that, I just really noticed it. I haven't had attack of the blood hound nose like that in a long time. It kind of reminded me of when I was first pregnant, we had gone grocery shopping one day and when we got to the produce section there were a bunch of grapefruits on the other side from where I was standing....probably 20 or 30 feet away. I smelled them before I saw them, and the smell was so strong that my mouth started salivating. I was like "whoa...maybe I should get some grapefruit?" I thought that was pretty funny though...and it was kind of like that with the beer tonight. Not that I wanted beer...I don't like the taste of beer, but I just really noticed the smell.

We all decided to go to Gustave's for dinner....for those of you who don't know what that is, it's a little branch off restaurant/pub from a German restaurant in Portland called The Rhienlanader....which is awesome, if you're ever in Portland I highly recommend having dinner there, it's a fun experience.

Gustave's is sort a branch that has been turned into a chain. Not quite the same experience as The Rhienlander, but a lot of the same food and a similar atmosphere for a nice dinner. I was excited because they serve Framboise there, which is a raspberry lambic beer that I actually do like. In fact, it's the only beer I like, and it has a very low alcohol content so I don't get all effed up from it. I had pumped last night, and put the bottle in the fridge instead of the freezer, so I decided I could have a Framboise and pump and dump when I got home and give Martyn the bottle for bed.

What a treat! I haven't had Framboise in over a year! The whole dinner was very tasty and we all enjoyed each other's company. They sat us in the family section and there were several other families with little babies near us. The table right next to ours had a little baby that was just about a couple weeks younger than Martyn. That was kind of fun too. I always love seeing babies and little kids around.

Mary Jane had made this really cute little sweater for Martyn (I think it was the first sweater she had knitted...I may be mistaken in that though) and it fits him so well...He looks like such a little gentlemen. It's made from the same yarn as the little hat she recently made for him too, so it matches. I thought he kind of looked like he should have been in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, totally adorable....yeah, that's my son...ha!

I am very pleased that I was able to put Martyn to bed quite successfully with the bottle for the first time tonight. I wasn't sure how he would do with it, since he enjoys nursing so much. He did great though. I did have to use the pacifier after the bottle, and I've had to go in twice in the last hour since I put him down, to put the pacifier back in his mouth, but other than that he's been perfect so far.

I'm planning on getting up with Eli in the morning, so as to start adjusting to early mornings for work after this coming week. We'll see how that goes....but for now, the plan is to get up with him, make something for dinner for him and put it in the fridge and then head down to Independence to spend the day with my sister....I think I may even just head down early enough to go to church with her since I'm going to be up. In that case, I better get to bed.

Day 79....Date night!

Apr 8

Well, we did it! We had our first date night, just the two of us, since Martyn was born. Also it was Martyn's first time with the nanny lady. We all did great. She said Martyn was good, and I was relieved because for some reason I had it in my head that he was going to be horrible for her and she was going to say she didn't want to watch him any more and then what would we do for when I go back to work in a week?

I don't know why I thought that...Martyn is totally a good, easy going baby. He has times of fussiness like any baby, but over all he is just so good. I'm just weird I guess.

Eli and I went to Fire on the Mountain for dinner, (best wings in Portland!) then drove over to a friends house near by, and parked our car, then walked down to Mississippi Ave a few blocks away and walked down to Cup and Saucer for some coffee and coffee cake. Then we walked back up to our friends house, where game night was getting ready to commence, and came in the back door and surprised everyone. We didn't stay for soup and games, but just made an appearance, since we had to get back to Beaverton to pick up the baby. Over all, I'd say it was ok. We kind of had a strong discussion/argument on the way to Fire on the Mountain, and were both a lot on edge from Friday night rush hour traffic. After we ate though, we both felt much better and enjoyed each other.

It was hard for me to leave Martyn, but easier than I expected. I felt at peace about who I was leaving him with, and that helped tremendously I think. She was very gracious about the whole thing, and walked us around her house, and introduced us to her wild dogs. I was kind of nervous and just blurted out that she was really short, and then I couldn't get off that subject for a bit and kind of dug deeper...nerd. Oh well, like I said, she was very gracious about it.

When we picked Martyn up, her husband was home so we got to meet him too. They're a very nice couple. I'm glad we found them.

I tweaked my back or something, within the last few days and all day today my upper back has just been really hurting me...almost to the point of paralysis I would say. I can barely get up and down from a sitting position...and moving certain ways just hurts so bad it takes my breath away. It probably doesn't help that my boobs are totally huge, so I have this extra....20lbs maybe, that I have to lug around, ha! (seriously!)

So all day today, I've been kind of hobbling around. We decided that Eli would go to the store with out me. We were going to take the dog to the dog park before we dropped off the baby, but the time kind of got away so we just went for a nice walk in our neighborhood instead. It was a beautiful day today...Nice and sunny and warm all day.

While Eli was at the store, I took a blanket out and laid it on the grass in the back yard and Martyn and I went and laid out for a bit. Not too long though, because it was really bright for one thing, but also my boy is creamy white with red hair...even when he's bigger and doesn't have that little baby sensitive skin, I don't think he'll be able to handle a lot of sun....I think he got his daddy's fair skin...not his mamas olive skin....though I'm pretty white right now too.

I'm looking forward to nice summer days where we can be out in the back yard working on the garden, or playing in the grass with Sheba, or playing at the park behind the house....I'm glad Martyn will be a bit bigger by the time summer is in full swing so he can enjoy it with us. We were talking the other day about taking him to the farmers market with us. I was thinking back on last summer when we would go every Saturday, and I would see all these pregnant ladies, or people with little kids, and little babies in their strollers, or carts or wagons, and feeling excited that I would soon get to do that. I didn't realize Eli was looking forward to that as well.

Now that this day is over, and I feel like I've been building up to it all week...I feel like it's the start of a new chapter in our lives as parents. It's funny how something as simple as leaving your baby with someone for the first time, even for just a few hours, could bring on a feeling such as that.

Now is as good a time as any. I'm still excited for our future. Here we come life!

Day 78...what a good boy!

Apr 7

When we got up today, I convinced Eli to call his best friend Mark because today is his day off. I've been wanting to go see Mark for a long time, and also I was hoping to catch his wife, since she hadn't met Martyn yet.

Mark came over and met him when he was just a few days old, but that was the last we saw him. So Eli finally called him, and we decided to go to his house and have lunch. We ended up going down to the food carts on Belmont, which are still kind of new (I hadn't been to them yet).

Man they have a good set up down there! We took Martyn out of the car seat and just carried him around. Eli said the guy that we got our Gyro's from couldn't keep his eyes off me and that's why he loaded our Gyro's up so heavily, ha! Ok, I'll take that.

We went back to Marks house and I fed Martyn. Manpreet (Marks wife) came in while I was still feeding the boy....we had gotten her a philly cheese steak at the carts and she was in between school and work for a few minutes. I got done feeding Martyn, and came and sat at the dining room table with everyone else to eat my Gyro. Man that was good!

Martyn was so good the whole day! After we had lunch, and Manpreet left, we went down to a place Mark had wanted to try, called Immortal Pie, and had some pie...just the three of us and Martyn. For what ever silly reason, that place didn't have coffee....doesn't it seem like pie and coffee should go together? Oh well...so we walked down a couple blocks to a coffee shop and sat and visited with Mark for a little longer. Then we decided we needed to do a Target run while were over by Mall 205, so Mark just went with us.

The whole time, Martyn snoozed a little, or we took him out of the car seat and he just hung out with us even though he was tired....his afternoon nap kind of got interrupted, but he just rolled with it. Mark was super impressed with how good he was. It made me feel good that someone else recognized that my baby is a good baby, I mean I'm his mother....I'm more than a little biased.

When we got home, Martyn had fallen asleep in the car of course. He woke up when we walked in the door, and stayed up for a bit. I fed him, and just held him in the recliner and after he ate he was a little fussy. I figured he was just really tired so I got him into a comfy position and he just crashed out. Eli, who is always wanting to touch him and mess with him, came and sat down on the couch and started playing with his hand, which woke him up eventually. I was a little annoyed, because Eli had also just brought me dinner and I was starving. But he fell back asleep long enough for me to finish dinner.

We decided to watch Tron (on netflix) but then Martyn started fussing agian....so I decided to give him a bath and put him to bed. He sure does love his baths. The water was a little hot though, and even though I still introduced him to it very slowly feet first and he didn't cry or act like it hurt him, it made his little skin red all over. He was a little red baby, and so cute! I would let him sit in the tub with me, and then get him out for a bit, then sit or lay him in the water, then take him out....back and forth like that so it didn't burn his skin. He never protested it being too hot though.

It was bed time for him when we got out of the tub, so I got him ready and put him to bed. It took me about 20 minutes, I think that's a new record....he was really tired, that's why. I didn't even have to use the pacifier to keep him down when I got up. Man I love that boy, he is just so good!

So tomorrow afternoon/evening will be the test-sit for the nanny lady. I'm kind of nervous...but curious to see how it's going to work out. I had the thought yesterday to check with my work and see if there is any paperwork or anything I needed to do before returning to work, and found out I need a release from my midwife to return to work. So I emailed her and she emailed me back saying I needed to contact the office ladies from the Birth Center....I figured she was on her leave month. So I called the Birth Center today and rang through to the Tualitan birth center, filled Rosie the office girl in, and gave her the info and she said she would get it all taken care of. She called me back later though and said she had the wrong fax number....since I was at Marks I couldn't look it up right then and told her I would call her back. Well, when I got home tonight, I was thinking about that and realized I'll have to wait until Monday to do that because I think they are not open on Fridays. Boo. Oh well, it won't hurt anything to wait until Monday, I just like to have things in order and not feel like they are hovering.

Maybe that was a purposeful delay and I'm not supposed to return to work...ha! Doubtful, but I can dream.