May 17
Today, was so much better than yesterday!
I woke up this morning, after sleeping in our bed with just Martyn, no Eli, feeling somewhat refreshed....and still possibly ill. Actually, I woke in the middle of the night, starving....my stomach was growling and gurgling, I thought I was going to have to get up use the puke bucket. I got up, and went pee, and drank some water, which helped. I haven't been pukey sick in a long time and I always forget how much it drains me....When I got up this morning, I knew I wouldn't be going to work, at least not in the morning, but probably not all day.
I emailed my boss and let him know I wouldn't be in this morning, but I may come in later.....yeah right. Truthfully, I had the thought that I may feel well enough to come in to work later this morning. I wasn't throwing up, and felt like I could stomach a little something to eat. Which I did. But I was just so weak. I ended up taking a nap with Martyn around 10:30 or so, and not getting up until 2. I must have needed it....Martyn too apparently. I think he's having a growth spurt....I sure hope it's that, and that he's not sick.
I'm all paranoid about him getting sick like this...he's been spitting up a lot today, but I think that's normal. I don't think it's actually any more than he usually does, I'm just feeling paranoid...and he's still peeing diapers, so that's a good sign. Right at the moment, he is sleeping in my lap, which is one of my favorite places for him to be.
He was a good boy again today....very mellow. I guess he's like that normally, it just really struck me the last couple days how awesome, and what a blessing that personality trait is.
I'm feeling really lonely today. I was yesterday too, but it was hard to focus on anything other than how awful I felt and so, today I'm much more aware of feeling lonely. I miss my husband. I miss my family who live far away...my brother is getting ready to get deployed to Afghanistan, and I've only had a few minutes to talk to him this past weekend....
I wish we all lived closer together. I'm sad that I don't get to be a part of my nieces and nephews lives, and vice versa with my son, and all his aunts and uncles who live far away....and cousins. Martyn already has 7 cousins, who are kids....and so far, he's only met 4 of them....and is not likely to meet any more of them for a long time.
My mom moved us (her and I) to San Diego, so that I could grow up with a big family of cousins like my dad did. Now I have absolutely no intention of moving back to CA, or to AK or anything like that....I love living in OR, and I love being pretty close to Eli's parents....but I miss mine. Especially on days like yesterday (and today even) when I'm sick. Yesterday, I kept imagining how when I was sick as a child, my mom would hold and pet, and comfort me....and how if mom was gone for whatever reason, dad never quite cut it. Which is kind of funny to me now, being a mama.
I have a feeling it will be like that for Martyn as well, all though I can see with Eli, he's already much involved in caring for our boy than my dad ever was....I don't remember how my dad was with me as a baby, but I can't imagine he did very much of the infant care....That sounds really bad towards him and I certainly don't mean it that way. I just think that responsibility fell mostly to my mom.
Caring for Martyn, does fall mostly to me I think, but Eli is totally willing and capable of caring for Martyn....and does during the week more than I do. Hmm. Maybe I should say, the responsibility of decision making for Martyn, falls mostly if, entirely to me.....which I am ok with.
I'm glad to be feeling better today. I think Martyn is fine after all, I was just paranoid. I hate the thought of my baby ever being sick, though I know it's bound to happen soon or later....later I hope, rather than sooner. It's nice to have a little, reflective clarity on the whole situation....nice to remember that I was feeling so awful yesterday, and thinking it would never end, and remembering a little saying that helps me get through tough times like that....
"Like two Nuns with a football, this too, shall pass."
(thanks Eli)
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