Day 131...it fits!

May 30

So there was no sleeping in this whole long weekend, just so everyone knows. I had to kind of chuckle to myself a bit when I got up with Eli this morning (he still had to go to work) and he says to me as I'm yawning and reaching for my cup of coffee, "you don't have to get up with me this early, babe."

If Martyn is up, I have to be up, so there's no sense trying to do it without my coffee...I'm smiling because I know Eli wishes I could sleep in just as much as him. I don't mind getting up with Martyn in the morning, actually. His little internal clock works like a charm though. I suppose I'd rather him stay on this schedule since it's our normal weekly thing anyway.

So up at 5am, and I still didn't get everything done I had wanted to. That's ok though, the main things that needed to get done, got done and I feel good about that. I got my dress problem all worked out...turns out the dress didn't need any alterations, I just needed a good fitting bra to hold the girls in, so the dress could hang right, on them. And now I have myself a sexy little brown dress, and under garment, for any occasions that may come up after Nicole's wedding, which is actually kind of exciting. Now I just need to find Martyn a cute little outfit to wear...I imagine it's probably going to be quite warm, so maybe some kind of little outfit with shorts.

It's hard to believe the time is almost here, for us to head back down to San Diego. Even more than that, that my best friend is getting married. I could not be more happy for her, or excited....I'm just pleased as punch, that I get to be a part of the whole thing. It's also hard to believe that 2011 is nearly half way over. The end of June, is the half way point, that's only a month away! Where has this year gone?

I'm not saying that, as if I've wasted the last 5 months....they've been pretty fantastic actually....It's just hard to believe Martyn is approaching 5 months old already. He's 4 months, 1 week, and 3 days old today. He'll be a year old before I know it. When I lay him down on his tummy, he can move. He can turn himself around 90 degrees, and he can scoot forward. The scooting forward, I'm not entirely sure he understands and does that purposely, but he is capable of physically moving himself forward, with a great deal of effort. But it shows me, that it will not be long until he's crawling.

I'm so glad I've had the chance to really savor his babyness while it's lasted. Everyone says "he's only this small for a short period of time, be sure to really enjoy it...." which is SO true. I'm glad I really took those words to heart. I HAVE savored him as a baby, and continue to do so. I'm just surprised by how quickly the time really has gone by.

Poor Martyn, his teething is just making him miserable at times. He can at least be comforted, but I can tell it's really bothering him. I couldn't get him to go down for a nap all day before we went to take care of my dress. When we got back, he was so tired, but didn't want to lay down. He fell asleep all curled up in my arms, and I just melted. I couldn't refuse him. He was comforted for the time being, and that was all that mattered to me. I love him so much, it makes me sad to see him hurting. There's not a whole lot that can be done to help him either, I'm doing what I can, but he's just going to have to go through it. That's hard for me too.

Thankfully, he's a mellow fellow to begin with, so once he does calm down he stays calm for quite a while.

Day 130...back to relaxity

May 29

I needed a day off. It's a three day weekend, and even though I had a ton of stuff I needed to get done this weekend, I needed a day off.

Soooooo....that's what I did. I took the day off and spent it with Martyn. It was so nice!

My poor boy is teething. Full on. It's really bothering him. Even so, he seemed pretty well and happy to spend time with me, though kind of clingy.

I did get the laundry done.

It's good to get back to relaxing.

I found Eli's little digital recorder and I decided I'm going to start taking it around with me and recording thoughts I have through out the day. That hopefully will make it easier to record them in written format. I think of a lot of different things during the day and try to make note to remember them, and often don't succeed with that, ha!

I'm still feeling kind of stressed about getting everything done that I need to before I go to San Diego in a couple weeks....mainly getting my dress all taken care of. Tomorrow is the day for that, hopefully it goes smoothly.

Day 129...getting prepared for business

May 28

This morning we got up at 5:30, because that's when Martyn let us sleep in until. We all lay in bed and talked for probably an hour. Martyn was all playful, and cuddly with both of us, so cute. I got up and Eli stayed in bed for another hour.

I miss my sleep in the mornings, but I love a little alone time with Martyn on Saturday mornings especially, while Eli is usually still in bed. It's just so sweet.

It was pouring rain this morning, and we had a plan to go to the Farmers Market first thing, but took our sweet time getting up and getting ready. Personally, I was feeling overwhelmed from the moment I got up, with things I need to get done, this long weekend. I was trying not be cranky about it, and failing miserably. I didn't tell Eli until after we were at the Farmers Market however, that I was feeling that way.

We did make it to the Farmers Market, and it kind of cleared up right when we got there. We were totally prepared to go around in rain jackets, and even brought the rain cover for Martyn's stroller. We did end up putting the rain cover on, but it only just sprinkled a bit. It was nice. I love the Farmers Market. It's the one situation I feel totally comfortable, being surrounded by a group of strangers....and trust me, the Beaverton Farmers Market is always packed.. Rain or shine. There's just so much good stuff there, even this early in the season. People are always friendly and courteous, which is just nice and refreshing.

We had our potential new nanny lady over for lunch and it went really well I think. I like her. I still wish I could stay home with Martyn, but I'm committed to working for at least a year, unless something comes up that I just can not pass by.

That's kind of it. Just counting down the days until I go to San Diego for Nicole's wedding. Man June is gonna be a BUSY month.

Day 128...the age of media

May 27

As I predicted, today at work was SLOW. But it was nice and mellow, which was cool.

I don't like that everyone is so connected to electronic devices all the time. Personally, I refuse to get a smart phone, because of the major distraction, and disconnection from reality it brings. I am guilty of this at home, on my lap top sometimes. I don't want a phone, that I could potentially be on the Internet anywhere. What is happening to regular conversation?

I was looking at some pictures of friends and family on facebook and noticed in a few of them, that every person in the picture, was looking down at their smart/iphone. Have we forgotten how to just visit with each other?

Eli and I both decided a while ago, to make a commitment to keep as few electronic toys in the house as possible. We realize it would be nearly impossible, and highly hypocritical, to have 0 electronic toys for Martyn....we do frequently use both of our computers, and cell phones. But we use our phones, as phones...not as computers. We do text message, (me especially) but those are the only things our phones are capable of doing...and we like it that way.

I have a cell phone, so I can not have a land line, and so I can be reached if need be. However, I don't have a problem with not answering the phone. If I don't feel like answering the phone, I won't. Whoever is calling can leave a message. I don't talk on the phone (or text message) while I'm driving, unless it's an emergency...especially now that it's the law in a lot of states. It REALLY bothers me when I see people talking, or worse, texting while driving.

Why do we now have this seemingly insatiable need to be constantly connected all the time? I want to teach my son the art of actually talking to people. Actual human conversation, one on one, face to face (or over the phone sometimes). I think of all these devices, cell phones, computers....as tools. Not people. But they seem to be viewed nearly as people, which is just so odd to me.

Not a terribly big fan of this age of media.

Day 127...it's good to relax a bit

May 26

It was nice today. Not really busy, but not so slow that I had nothing to do. I like days like today. Tomorrow, however will be very very slow....I imagine I'll be reading a lot through out the day.

In the time that I did have to read today, I stumbled upon some Midwifery blogs that were very interesting.

When I got home tonight, right when I walked in the door I made eye contact with Eli sitting on the couch....he had his finger up to his mouth, signaling me to be quiet, because Martyn was asleep in his lap.

What a sweet little angel.

He woke up shortly after that, and seemed happy enough to see me. I've noticed that Martyn really loves his daddy. He lights up when he sees Eli. I think that's so cool.

I love playing with him. We've started playing this game, when he's getting a diaper change. Usually, once he has a clean diaper on, and a bare belly I will kiss his belly, or play gobble him up. He just laughs, and clutches my head, or jabbers on and on. It's so adorable! Just makes my heart squeal on the inside.

I love anticipating coming home to him and Eli at the end of the day. It makes everything worth it. This morning on the way to work, I was thinking about how everything is just wonderful. Mom always said feelings go up and down, and I know she's right. But I'm feeling good about my life right now, and am looking forward to the future.

Day 126...feeling a little home sick

May 25

This morning at work, I was taking a part across the lot the other shop. It was raining, like it often does here in OR, just a nice drizzle. It smelled good like spring time, and wet pavement...and made me feel suddenly homesick for Alaska.

I haven't felt like that very often, since I've lived in Oregon. I like it here, and I want to be here, close to my sister, and close to Eli's parents...but once in a while, I will have a flash of summer time in Alaska, and get an awful pang of homesickness. It's weird.

Last night, Eli and I were talking about the good adventures we had as kids...due a great deal to the environment we both grew up in. The woods. He grew up in the woods more so than I did, but I had my fair share of adventures in the near by woods. I certainly didn't live in the heart of the city (even if I had, it was Anchorage for goodness sake....not a huge amount going on there in the late 80's and early 90's when I lived there).

I want Martyn to be able to have a good childhood like both Eli and I did. I mean we had problems, like any person does....some big and some small, but over all we both had a fantastic childhood, and it was because of where we lived. I want Martyn to have adventures in the woods, and with his friends.

I don't want him to grow up as a "city kid". Those kids, when I see them now, just break my heart for the loss of common sense that often seems to follow growing up in the city....Many people who grew up in the city, I'm sure would object to that. I don't want to project onto my son, mine or Eli's childhood. I do want to make sure he's able to have fun adventures, and learn about nature...I had the opportunity as a child to grow up around horses, which was a great deal part of the reason I had so much fun, and grand adventures.

I don't know that I can give that to Martyn, but I hope so. I would much rather him be a farm boy, than a city kid. Right now, he's a suburben-ite, which I also would rather him not be.

The goal, is to get ourselves into a place where we can buy a house on some land....and raise our kids. Last night Eli was talking about having another baby, and I said "Really? because I want to have another baby, but when you talk like that to me, I'm not sure if you're serious or not...." He gave me a hug and kiss, and looked into my eyes and said, "yes I'm serious. I want to have another baby with you..." Man, I have such a wonderful husband!

There was a time when I thought I would never hear Eli say that....I was convinced he only wanted one baby, and I was going to have to convince him through certain methods of girlie persuasion, that we should have more than one. I'm glad I'll not have to use my girle powers on him....I try not to most of the time, I would much rather us just agree with each other and work together as a team. (I do mean that, but I'm smiling, thinking about my 'girle powers', it reminds me of a line from the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the mom says to Tula, "The man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck...and she can turn the head any way she wants!")

Not yet though. I am still healing from my pregnancy with Martyn....that sounds bad, like I had a really hard time. What I mean is, it's just good for the body to be fully recovered from pregnancy and birth, before getting pregnant again. I'm also breast feeding, and it seems like it would be really hard on the body, to build a baby through blood, while it's still building one through milk. I already have to eat like 500 extra calories a day, just to keep up with milk production and that's really hard for me. If I had to do that, and the extra 300 calories a day you need to take in while pregnant, my goodness, I would just never stop eating, ha!

It just makes me feel good to know that my dear husband, loves his son and wants more kids in the future.

Day 125....clingy boy

May 24

That shirt, just so you know, says "Dad is the Boss....until Mom comes home". Amen to that, ha!

Martyn was looking particularly cute this morning, though he wasn't as happy and chatty as yesterday. I had to wake him up, instead of him waking up on his own....I tend to be less happy and chatty when I get woken up too, so I won't hold it against him.

He was really excited to see Janelle this morning, which kind of pricked my heart a little. I'm sad to be loosing her as my sitter. Martyn really likes her too. I also think he's benefited from being around Janell's little girl for the last 6 weeks. Ah well, as my mom said, "baby sitters aren't forever." I'm looking forward to meeting the new one on Saturday, and praying she will be a good fit for us too....from the little bit of conversation I've had with her via email, I think she will be.

Janelle said Martyn was really clingy today, and cramming everything in his mouth. Poor boy, those "toofs" are taking their sweet time, and hurting him. When I got home, he was pretty clingy with me too. I tried putting him in his little chair while I was making dinner, which worked for about 20 minutes and then he was done. I wasn't however, and couldn't hold him while cooking the meat, because it could pop on him, so he just cried it out for a few minutes. I hate seeing my baby cry, it just breaks my heart, especially when he's looking right at me in the eye...as if pleading with me to make him feel better, or just pick him up at least. At the same time, he is so cute when he cries like that. Still, I'd rather not see it.

When Eli got home, he was holding Martyn at the kitchen table, facing out towards the kitchen. I was playing with Sheba right in front of them, and the dog doing her tricks really made Martyn laugh. He just thought she was so funny, it was really cool. That's the first time he's laughed and giggled and carried on, for both Eli and me at the same time. It was cracking us both up, and just precious. I gave Sheba a little extra treat for making the boy laugh.

Day 124...oh happy day

May 23

It rained off and on for most of the day....I still found myself feeling....skippy, for most of the day. I just felt so good today. It was kind of weird, I felt good all day but I just missed my baby boy all day. I had his pictures up on the computer all day, so when I had a minute, I could switch over and look at his pictures....he's so stinking cute!

It feels good, to feel good. It was pretty slow for me at work today too, so I had time to just kind of day dream, and take it easy. I still got my work done, and I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be much more busy....but it was nice to just go easy today.

When I picked Martyn up from Janelle's, I made sure to let her know (again) that I don't have any hard feelings and I'm glad for her. I told her, she has to do what's best for her family and I totally understand. I said, "I'm sad about it, because I like you....but I'm happy for you at the same time." She said she felt bad, and I told her don't feel bad. It will all work out. I hope she felt better after that, I think she did.

Martyn was so cute this morning before I left. I hadn't gotten him up out of bed and was just letting him wake up slowly, while I got ready. I was in the living room, checking facebook after Eli left, and I hear Martyn in the bedroom just talking away, to himself. He was happy. I went in there, and he had stopped babbling, and was just laying there, kind of hugging the blanket. I said, "good morning my baby...." and he looked all around, until he found my eyes, and then just grinned really big....it was pretty sweet.

Tonight, I was changing his diaper, and putting his pj's on, and kissing his belly and neck and sort of play/talking to him. He was just giggling, and babbling away....every time I would kiss his belly, he would grab both sides of my head and hug really tight. It was cracking me up. When I laid him down, he wasn't quite ready, and didn't want to nurse like he normally does, to go to sleep. I was kind of full still. He got kind of fussy, clearly tired and wanting to go to sleep, but wanting to be soothed, but not hungry so the boob was no good. I got him up, wrapped him in his monkey blanket, and got the pacifier out. That worked like a charm, and he was out in a matter of minutes. I think it's the first time I haven't put him to sleep, nursing. Kind of weird, but cool.

Day 123...pictures

May 22

So I took Martyn for his first studio pictures today. He did really well, and the photos turned out great. Instead of getting several prints, of only a few pictures, I decided to buy a cd with all of them, and the copy rights, so I can print them when ever and where ever I please. It won't be ready until June 1.

Now, Martyn is a pretty smiley baby. But he's also very observant, and inquisitive, so when he comes across something new and foreign to him, he really wants to look at it and figure it out. The guy taking his pictures, I'm sure is really good at getting kids to smile or laugh, and he was making all kinds of sounds and noises, and tickling Martyn and stuff, and Martyn would just flash these little smiles so fast....it was hard to catch them on camera. That guy was really working for his money today, ha!

We had a good day. Martyn let me sleep in until 6:15 or so. Funny how I'm actually kind of excited about that. Actually, it turned out to be a pretty productive day, too. After pictures, we came home and got the diapers going, then took a big nap....that was so nice! I got the kitchen all cleaned up and the diapers all finished. Got dinner made, and talked to mom for a little bit.

While I was switching the laundry this evening, I had Martyn laying on the futon facing me. I would take a diaper out of the washer, and flick it, and put it into the dryer, and Martyn would just crack up laughing. That was fun. I've only heard him do that a handful of times. It just melts my heart.

Eli was looking at the pictures online, from today and one of the first things he said was "oh that looks like Jon...." I know he thinks Martyn looks like his brother Jon, because of the red hair and brown eyes, and because Jon is really the only baby Eli remembers. I don't think Martyn looks anything like Jon, except for the red hair.

His eyes are like mine, his smile is like mine....his nose is like Eli's and his cheeks are like Eli's. Even his hair line is like Eli's. I told Martyn, no matter what anyone says, even if he looks like his uncle Jon, or his mama or daddy, he is his own person.

He's Martyn.

I love that we're getting into a bit of a routine, finally. Martyn has a bed time, and he seems to be pretty regimented in sticking to it. I lay him down, and nurse him for a few minutes usually, and he's out. Last night he slept about 5 hours before waking up hungry....I love it! We're getting back into the swing of things.

The other night I went and visited with my friend, who's baby is 12 days older than Martyn. She was lamenting over thinking her milk supply is drying up, and her boy is just 4 and half months old. I was thinking maybe I would offer her some of my milk if she wanted it. I had been a little worried my own milk supply was waning, but I think that was crazy talk in my head. I have to pump for Martyn every week day anyway, and I try not to pump at home and just nurse him....but occasionally, I need to pump before bed time, or I'll be hugely full in the middle of the night and spring a leak, which drives me crazy. I think I could spare some milk for her little boy too....we shall see.

It rained nearly all day today, but just a nice, light rain. It was a good, stay in and get things done, or snuggle with the boy kind of afternoon. All that sun last week, and now a nice Oregon rainy day, made me feel good in the head. That's a wonderful place to be.

Day 122...schemes

May 21

My cousin Caleb got married today. I wish I could have attended his wedding, I have a feeling it was a blast. I am so proud of him! When I was in San Diego in March, I visited him and his family and I just couldn't get over the idea that he was getting married...I kept saying "Caleb, you're getting married!" He is 5 years younger than me, and when I lived in San Diego, he was one of my best friends. He will always hold a special place in my heart, even when we are not in contact with each other for a long period of time.

I feel like he finally has grown up, and that's super cool. A person is not grown up just because they get married, or have kids. But I feel like Caleb is grown up now, and I'm looking forward to more good things for him and his new wife. Very exciting!

Martyn woke up right on time this morning, and needed a diaper change. That boy has just been full of poop lately. I had a fleeting thought of being concerned that he was sick, but he's still peeing diapers, and that's a good sign. Just clearing out a lot of room I guess....Eli pointed out that he does eat a lot, so it makes sense that he would need to poop a lot. It's true.

He was wide awake after that. I tried bringing him back to bed, but it was to no avail. So I just got up with him. I was kind of awake anyway. Made some coffee, and had a bagel. About an hour later I brought him back in the bedroom and laid him on the bed with Eli so I could go to the bathroom, and Martyn could gently wake Eli, which he did. He was all surprised that I had been up an hour and already had coffee, ha!

It was a good day today. We went to the store and were home by 1:30, and Eli got a hair cut. He is so handsome! This is the best haircut I think I've seen on him. Came home, had some lunch and Eli reluctantly got started on the cropping of the back yard jungle. It's a pretty major undertaking, even if you have kept up the mowing all year....we have not done that, so it was a serious ordeal. Some of the clumps of grass were thigh high for me. He had to weed whack first and then mow. I think he only got about 3/4 of the main part of the back yard mowed, and didn't even begin to touch the way back. Sheba is funny, she will just walk along behind him while he's mowing, not really sure what do to....just walking. Her little paws were all green when she came in tonight.

I made Martyn take a nap, with out being rocked to sleep, for the first time today. Actually I think my baby sitter was doing that too, but it's the first time I've done it. He was super tired, so it didn't take all that long for him to get the picture once I had gotten the bassinet all set up for him, with a little pillow. I gave him his bear, and tucked him in, and gave him the pacifier, which I figured he wouldn't want, but he took it for a little while until it fell out when he fell asleep. He had cried for about 5 minutes before I put him in the bassinet, and then for a few more minutes until I gave him the pacifier. After that, it only took him about 2 minutes to pass out.

I felt kind of triumphant. It was hard for me to not pick him up when he was crying, but I think it's time to start teaching him gradually that when it's nap time, it's nap time. Especially when I know he's super tired. I don't even want to kick him out of the bed at night time, yet. But I've been thinking about it here and there. He still needs night time feedings, so until he is sleeping through the night, I want him in bed with us. Before I went back to work, he was sleeping 6 hours at a time at night, but got all messed up from not being able to nurse on demand in the day time. So he wanted to nurse a lot at night. He would want to nurse pretty much ever two hours in the night, which was hard to adjust back to, while adjusting to being at work, after getting spoiled to sleeping 6 hour stretches at night. He's back up to about 4 hours at a time, at night now....so he's getting there.

I like having him in the bed, but I miss having space to move around a bit more, or being able to just turn over to my other side with out having to put him on my other side at the same time....I don't ever have my back to him, if I'm laying on my side, I'm always facing him. I can lay on my back, with him at my side though. Which is nice.

He's also gotten to where I can put him to bed, and he only needs to nurse a bit before he falls asleep. I can get up and come back out of the bedroom, and then come to bed a little later and not wake him up. It feels good that it only takes about 20 minutes tops, to put him to bed now....and usually it's only half that, or less. It used to take up to an hour! I guess I'm learning.

I've been scheming plans for my birthday celebration today, which has been kind of fun. I'm excited to get to celebrate birthdays with my sister this year, and that my mom is going to be here too. Rachel and I always try to celebrate our birthdays together if we can, but usually we just have a family dinner/bbq since it's summer time. It occurred to me that this year is my golden birthday....the day of the month that corresponds with the age you are turning. So I figured why not have a fun party? We haven't really had a good bbq in this house since we've lived here a year and half, and it would be fun to have all our friends over, along with family. So I just went crazy and invited a bunch of friends. It's still a month away, it will be interesting to see who comes. Either way, I think it will be fun.

Day 121...4 months!

May 20

Martyn is 4 months old today! My goodness, I can hardly believe how quickly the time has passed. It's been a pretty amazing 4 months. I'm a blessed woman, to have gotten to experience them!

So here's Martyn's milestones as of now.

He smiles and chuckles a lot. When he sees people, he looks for their eyes and when he finds them, he smiles and flirts. Sometimes, he giggles. He giggles in his sleep all the time. He can hold a variety of things in either of his hands individually, or a few things with both hands together. He can reach out and take hold of suspended objects, and hold onto them. He can hold, and hug to himself soft objects, and blankets. He just started reaching out for other people. He can stand up, if someone balances him...he can support his own weight on his legs, for a long period of time, and has started to pump his legs up and down when he is standing (squat, stand, squat, stand). We've put him in the jump swing a couple times, and he doesn't quite get it, but he's almost there, he can stand for a long period of time in the jumper, and move himself around, but not quite jump yet.

If he's laying on his belly, he can fully support his upper body on his elbows and raise his head and shoulders and chest off the floor, and look around in both directions. He can also bring his knees up to his chest and stick his butt up in the air, if his face stays on the floor.

I've seen him roll over from his back to his belly once, and from his belly to his back once.

If he's laying on his back, he can raise his legs up pretty high (haven't seen him touch his toes yet) and he can do mini sit ups/crunches. He also loves to kick his feet when he's laying on his back.

When he's happy, he is often VERY chatty, with whoever is nearest. He can make all kinds of sounds, and has started to try to imitate sounds he hears. When someone talks to him directly, he watches their mouth and eyes very intently...he's very observant. He looks for eye contact.

He definitely prefers his mama over anyone else, but he very clearly knows who his daddy is, and lights up when he sees him after a long day of being away. He likes people in general though, he's very social, and seems to want to interact with people.

He has a tiny little tooth bud, and is majorly slobbery, and is putting anything he can get his hands on, into his mouth...including just his hands.

I haven't weighed him since his first check up a month ago, but my estimate is that he weighs about 15-16lbs, and is about 25-26 inches long.

He's very easy going over all, and mellow...He's my mellow fellow, ha! Such a good boy. So sweet.

It looks like the red hair is sticking, and he definitely has brown eyes like me. His eye lashes are super long too, he is just a very handsome boy. He's very healthy, and happy, and just the best baby anyone could wish for.

So there we have it. I think I'll continue to do monthly milestone updates.

Day 120....wrap your head around this

May 19

What a beautiful, sun-shiney day! My goodness! That always is nice. It was nice to be able to take my hoodie off for nearly the entire day, and not get chilled in the shop, or in my office like I sometimes do.

Nice relaxing day at work for the most part. We had a silly shop meeting, which was kind of boring, but actually pretty good I thought. I'm really working on improving the quality of work I do there. I want to do a good job.

The whole time I've been back to work, I've had a hard time getting my head wrapped around the idea that I'm back to work full time. Things were going pretty well with my nanny lady, I really liked her....and I really liked that Eli was taking care of Martyn too.

Today, I got an email from my nanny lady that she can no longer watch Martyn, she got offered a stay at home office job through her husbands company, and it would be too much of a work load to do that, and care for both Martyn and her little daughter.

I totally understand, and if I were here I would choose the same thing. She's gotta do for her family what she needs to.

Well shoot. Now what?

Now I guess, I find another baby sitter. Which is lame, but I'm not nearly as freaked out about it, as I was before I went back to work. She's giving me a couple weeks, not just leaving me hanging, which I really appreciate.

All these ideas started running through my head this afternoon though, after getting that email. Like, maybe now I could stay home...or maybe I should go to school....Eli and I talked about it tonight on a walk, and I talked to my sister later in the evening and had a sort of moment of clarity.

I want to go to school, and I want to become a midwife. But this year, I want to smack down the debt that Eli and I have. So I will stay working, we'll find another baby sitter, and between the two of us, we're going to do some damage to our debt....in a year, we'll re-evaluate going to school...and possibly during this year, I'll start taking a class here and there to get up my pre-requisites for the midwifery college. Also I want to learn Spanish, and I think this is the year.

It feels good to get that all out in the open...and worked out (or at least starting to work out) in my head. More to say on the matter later, I'm sure.

Day 119...on the mend

May 18

The anniversary date, 31 years since Mt. St. Helens blew her top. Pretty crazy to think. I never remember what it ever looked like with a top, ha!

I went to work today, reluctantly. I felt terrible all day, but I made it through the day. It actually wasn't so bad, but I'm sure I was looking pretty green around the gills....everyone gave me space for the most part today, which was nice.

I thought I was going to have a big mess to clean up, but it wasn't so bad at all. Truthfully, any mess I had to clean up was my own doing, or lack there of, from Friday. My fill in guy, did a great job.

When it is like 70 degrees and clear all day, even if you're feeling to lousy to enjoy it, it makes it hard to be at work all day....and it's supposed to be like this the whole rest of the week. Ah well.

Feeling bad all day, was totally washed away when I walked in the door tonight, and laid eyes on my to favorite guys. Eli was more than happy to hand Martyn off, who had been super clingy and fussy all afternoon, apparently. That little boy, he's teething for sure and probably feeling a bit insecure with out Mama....after having me all to himself for the last three days.

When he saw me, he was all shy for a minute and smiled, but then buried his face in daddy's shoulder....then he wanted me. I took him and he just hugged me....at least it felt like that to me. That boy lights up my world!

Everything is bright and sunny when I see him, and I miss him during the day. I kept thinking about what a good boy he was for me the past couple days. Eli said he ate a ton today, and yet he still wanted to nurse when I got home. He didn't take a very good nap today, so he was ready to go to bed at 7:30! Poor baby. He passed out too, it didn't take very much convincing on my part, for him to go to sleep.

I just heard him "fussing" a few minutes ago, I thought....I went in and checked him and he was totally giggling in his sleep. Silly baby. I love him.

Eli totally needed a little nap when I first got home. After handing Martyn over, Eli promptly curled up on the couch and went right to sleep for about an hour. I wish I could fall asleep and sleep that soundly so fast! Him and Martyn both, ha!

We all need to make sure to get enough rest, to make sure to fight off sickness...I'm not entirely convinced I had food poisoning after all....I mean, I should have been feeling much better today if it were food poisoning.

Hmm...as long as my boys don't get that yucky sick, I'm happy.

Day 118...feeling better

May 17

Today, was so much better than yesterday!

I woke up this morning, after sleeping in our bed with just Martyn, no Eli, feeling somewhat refreshed....and still possibly ill. Actually, I woke in the middle of the night, starving....my stomach was growling and gurgling, I thought I was going to have to get up use the puke bucket. I got up, and went pee, and drank some water, which helped. I haven't been pukey sick in a long time and I always forget how much it drains me....When I got up this morning, I knew I wouldn't be going to work, at least not in the morning, but probably not all day.

I emailed my boss and let him know I wouldn't be in this morning, but I may come in later.....yeah right. Truthfully, I had the thought that I may feel well enough to come in to work later this morning. I wasn't throwing up, and felt like I could stomach a little something to eat. Which I did. But I was just so weak. I ended up taking a nap with Martyn around 10:30 or so, and not getting up until 2. I must have needed it....Martyn too apparently. I think he's having a growth spurt....I sure hope it's that, and that he's not sick.

I'm all paranoid about him getting sick like this...he's been spitting up a lot today, but I think that's normal. I don't think it's actually any more than he usually does, I'm just feeling paranoid...and he's still peeing diapers, so that's a good sign. Right at the moment, he is sleeping in my lap, which is one of my favorite places for him to be.

He was a good boy again today....very mellow. I guess he's like that normally, it just really struck me the last couple days how awesome, and what a blessing that personality trait is.

I'm feeling really lonely today. I was yesterday too, but it was hard to focus on anything other than how awful I felt and so, today I'm much more aware of feeling lonely. I miss my husband. I miss my family who live far away...my brother is getting ready to get deployed to Afghanistan, and I've only had a few minutes to talk to him this past weekend....

I wish we all lived closer together. I'm sad that I don't get to be a part of my nieces and nephews lives, and vice versa with my son, and all his aunts and uncles who live far away....and cousins. Martyn already has 7 cousins, who are kids....and so far, he's only met 4 of them....and is not likely to meet any more of them for a long time.

My mom moved us (her and I) to San Diego, so that I could grow up with a big family of cousins like my dad did. Now I have absolutely no intention of moving back to CA, or to AK or anything like that....I love living in OR, and I love being pretty close to Eli's parents....but I miss mine. Especially on days like yesterday (and today even) when I'm sick. Yesterday, I kept imagining how when I was sick as a child, my mom would hold and pet, and comfort me....and how if mom was gone for whatever reason, dad never quite cut it. Which is kind of funny to me now, being a mama.

I have a feeling it will be like that for Martyn as well, all though I can see with Eli, he's already much involved in caring for our boy than my dad ever was....I don't remember how my dad was with me as a baby, but I can't imagine he did very much of the infant care....That sounds really bad towards him and I certainly don't mean it that way. I just think that responsibility fell mostly to my mom.

Caring for Martyn, does fall mostly to me I think, but Eli is totally willing and capable of caring for Martyn....and does during the week more than I do. Hmm. Maybe I should say, the responsibility of decision making for Martyn, falls mostly if, entirely to me.....which I am ok with.

I'm glad to be feeling better today. I think Martyn is fine after all, I was just paranoid. I hate the thought of my baby ever being sick, though I know it's bound to happen soon or later....later I hope, rather than sooner. It's nice to have a little, reflective clarity on the whole situation....nice to remember that I was feeling so awful yesterday, and thinking it would never end, and remembering a little saying that helps me get through tough times like that....

"Like two Nuns with a football, this too, shall pass."

(thanks Eli)

Day 117...sick sick sick

May 16

Today is mine and Eli's 2 year anniversary. Unfortunately, I was home sick all day. This was my first time being sick and having to take care of Martyn the full day. It was a rough day. Martyn was a perfect angel though, which was a great help. He was totally calm, and mellow all day...he got a little bit fussy about an hour before Eli got home, but he was just tired.

I was reminded of my flight home from San Diego, back in March. I felt terrible on that flight, because I hadn't eaten enough during the day, was a little stressed about travel, etc etc etc. But I had to suck it up, because Martyn's care and safety were the only thing that mattered. Today was much like that, except I was home, and I was sicker. Being home however, made the difference, because I could put him in the bed with me, or in his little rocking chair in the living room, and chill out. We ended up taking two big naps during the day. By the afternoon, I was able to keep saltine crackers and jello water down, which was encouraging.

By the time Eli got home, I had moved from needing to puke, to the super extra sensitive skin, which to me is just as bad as the former. My skin just ached. Strangely, earlier in the day when I was feeling like that, the only comfort was nursing Martyn. I made sure to wash my hands a huge amount of times, to help protect my boy from a possible bug that I have....I'm not fully convinced it was food poisoning.

Eli was so wonderful, and gentle with me when he got home. I know he was tired, and it was hard to come home to a dirty house, and sick wife, and no dinner, on our Anniversary. But he took it in stride...."through sickness and in health"..... that's what we said when we married each other, and we meant it. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband.

Two years down, many many more to come....and it just keeps getting better! Two years, and a baby....even though I sick sick sick today, I couldn't have imagined my life as it is now, and how awesome it is.

Day 116....enjoying the little things

May 15

Once again, I got up at 5 with Martyn this morning. Was kind of nice to see Eli off though. Actually I don't mind getting up, not sleeping in.....I figure, that's a lot of time I can be enjoying my boy. Don't get me wrong, I love sleeping in. But spending time with Martyn is higher on my priority list.

I also figured I could take a nap when he went back to sleep. In reality however, that did not happen....at least not how I thought it would. He was ready to lay back down around 6:30 or so....I should have just put him in the bed with me and gone back to sleep, but I had it in my head that he needed to get used to taking naps in the bassinet. So when he started falling asleep in my lap, I quietly laid him down in the bassinet, and then crawled into my bed. He woke right up and started fussing. So I got up, got him in bed with me, laying on my chest. He was awake. He just wanted to play.....so we got up.

Got the diapers going through the wash, watched a bunch of movies all day, got the rest of the laundry going and the diapers put away. Martyn took a huge nap, with about a 20 min interruption in the middle. I did eventually get him to take the first part of his nap in the bassinet.....I should have taken that as my nap opportunity as well. He woke up, needed to nurse, and then fell asleep in my lap. I was in the middle of watching a movie, and was kind of into it, so didn't take a nap then either.

He woke up, and I played with him for a while, and worked on laundry too. Then it was time to nurse again and he fell asleep again, so I decided to take a short nap then. Only about an hour and half or so, and in the chair to boot. Oh well. I really enjoyed snuggling him in my lap, and playing with him today.

He's getting where he can reach out and grab things that are hanging in front of him. Like in his little rocking chair, when I put the mobile part on, there is a little hanging umbrella that plays a little tune when you pull it. He can reach out and grab hold of it, and after a lot of figuring, he is able to pull it and play the tune. I'm pretty sure he understands that he's the one making it work, too. He just doesn't have that fine motor coordination yet. It's coming along though, and that's exciting.

He was so excited to see Eli tonight, it was really cute. I had him in his little rocker, parked in front of the kitchen while I was making dinner. When Eli came in, he went straight to Martyn, and as soon as Martyn made eye contact with him, he just lit up like a Christmas tree. His eyes got really big, and totally bright, and he smiled and just started talking away. I like it a lot, that he loves his daddy so much. I get that kind of response from him all the time, but it's a given he loves his mama. I like seeing that he knows who Eli is, and prefers him to people other than me. And obviously, I love watching Eli's response to the boy as well. You can really tell how happy it makes him....just makes his evenings home after a long day at work all the more sweet.

Day 115....Farmers market!

May 15

Today, Martyn decided he wanted to wake up and be up, and there was no going back to bed for Mama....at about 5. The alarm clock went off at 5, and it was shortly after that, it seems. I got up to change his diaper, in hopes that he wouldn't wake up all the way and I could sneak him back to bed with out too much fuss. No such luck. I did bring him back to bed for about 45 min or so, but he was wide awake. In fact, he was totally chatty and smiley and happy....silly baby. So I decided to take him upstairs, and see if we could find any good Saturday morning cartoons.

Man, kids these days don't have ANY good Saturday morning cartoons....there was just nothing. Maybe it was too early or something, but everything was just crap.

What happened to all the good Saturday morning cartoons? Oh well.

Eli came upstairs about 7:30 or so. Since we managed to get up so early, I took a nice long shower and washed my hair. It had taken 4 months, but the post pregnancy hair loss has finally happened.....I had a serious handful of hair by the end of my shower....including the combing it out while it was still wet. Oh well though, it's not that bad, and I do still have a LOT of hair, ha!

We decided to go to the Farmers Market and have breakfast there, since it was still pretty early. I think that's probably one of the earliest times we've made it into the market, about 9. Usually we don't get there until well after 10. Still though, it was already packed. I noticed a huge amount of babies being strolled around, and was remembering all the pregnant ladies I took note of all last season....me being one of them.

It was very cool. We had a wonderful Mexican omelet that we shared from one cart, and then the coffee guy we got coffee from had this really good mexi-mocha, that had spicy chocolate in it....yummy!

It was Martyn's first time to the Farmers Market....first of many. We all had a good time. The farmers market is just about the only setting in which I don't mind being in that big of a crowd of people. Although, I think I would have minded much more had I not started the whole time off with something to eat. That makes a world of difference. I think it's going to be a great season.

Walt and Mary Jane came over later today and hung out with us and visited. They brought their super cute puppy girl, Sissy, too. She's totally grown and looks different from the last time we saw her, just a couple weeks ago. Martyn was much more quiet and observant today than he normally is....that's ok too. He really liked watching the dogs play, or just listening to everyone talk to each other and to him. At dinner, he was really intently looking at a bottle of catsup on the table. Eli moved it closer to him, so he could reach it, and he just got all excited and knocked it over. You could see the little wheels in his head, putting together how to touch, and then push over that bottle. That's what's going on in the little video clip of him. He was getting so excited about it, that he started yelling at the bottle. So cute!

All in all, this was a wonderful Saturday. This is what Saturday is all about!

Day 114...trama

May 13

It's Friday, the 13th....eh. I was telling Eli a bit ago, when I was a kid I had a long standing tradition of finding money on Friday the 13th. For whatever reason, every year on Friday the 13th I would find at least a dollar on the ground outside....in various different places. Hmm, weird.

When I got home from work tonight, Eli and Martyn were again waiting out in the driveway for me. Eli was looking mighty frazzled, Martyn looked fine. Eli said, as soon as I got out of the car, "Well, I tried out for world's worst father today...." I looked at him, a little alarmed, and glanced down at Martyn, who had a little "owey" on the side of his head. I said "did you drop him?" Not in an angry voice, but with certain concern. Eli stuck out his lower lip, and shook his head...."Did he fall off the couch?" I asked, a little more concern this time. Again Eli stuck out his lip, and nodded.

Apparently, he had been having a hard time all day with getting him to take a nap. A couple hours before I got home, Eli had finally gotten him to sleep and laid him down on the couch, kind of diagonally. He stood up, turned around and took a step, and heard Martyn stirring....he turned around, just in time to see the baby take a super man dive off the couch. Eli caught him before he fell all the way off, but he bonked his little head on the side of the coffee table.

Eli had grabbed him up, and was trying to comfort him for a minute, but Martyn was just screaming. (It probably really scared them both, I'm sure.) With out really thinking about it, Eli ran out to the truck, with the babe in arms, to 'rush him to the hospital'....

The handle on the driver side door of his truck is broken, which made him realize that he didn't even have the boy in the car seat, and he couldn't go to the hospital like that. He then also realized, that it actually wasn't that serious. Martyn had a little bump on his head, and a red mark down the front of his head, to his eyebrow...but he wasn't bleeding and he was able to be comforted.

Still, it was pretty traumatic for the both of them.

Eli said just when Martyn would calm down and settle for a bit, Eli would sniffle a little, which would startle the boy, and start him on a whole new round of crying. He was totally fine by the time I got home. Just hungry. Eli also said, that's how he knew Martyn was really ok, because he offered him a bottle after the whole incident, and Martyn ate it all up, no problem....I think he's having a growth spurt. Just for good measure, I checked his pupils after hearing the whole story, and they were fine...no concussion.

I felt kind of bad for Eli, he was pretty shaken up over the whole thing. Which is totally understandable, I would have been too if it were me. He feels terrible and keeps bringing up that he's afraid he's made our boy retarded....which kind of makes me laugh, and gets me annoyed at the same time because everything is fine. No need to keep bringing it up. It happened, and it was awful, but it's ok now, so let's move on. That's the way I see it.

Day 113...waiting in the drive way

May 12

Not a whole lot today. Just another day at work....beautiful afternoon though. Eli and Martyn were standing in the drive way waiting for me when I got home. It was so sweet. Martyn had on his little fishing hat.

Eli said he needed a change of scenery, because he woke up hungry and really wanting mama. Eli took him to his pee test for Solar world, said Martyn entertained the ladies in the clinic. He had a good 45 minutes of floor play too. What a good boy!

Day 112...Solar world!

May 11

Eli got hired by Solar World officially today! I'm so proud of him! 5 and a half months of temping, he said he's the fastest one he's heard of so far, to get hired on. That helped my afternoon perk right up....probably his too I imagine. I know that's a huge burden lifted off his shoulders, that he will not be temping any more...mine too for that matter.

I've started letting Martyn sleep in as much as possible, in the morning, before I get him up and ready to go. This morning when he woke up, he was all smiles. I love that! I took him to nurse after getting everything ready and out into the car, and he was just all smiling at me and chattery....man he's so cute!

He's been really just chewing on his hands every time I turn around. His little tooth bud is coming in, but very slowly. He seems to be over his crankiness for now. Tonight I was making dinner and had him in his little rocking chair again. While dinner was simmering, I was on the computer and he was playing in his chair. I looked over and caught his eye, and he just smiled really big and started kicking his feet and flailing his arms all over. He was so happy. It feels good to have interaction with my boy like that.

I'm looking forward to spending time with him this weekend....I miss him so much during the week. Only two more days to go.

Day 111...The Situation (Baby)

May 10

I don't know what happened on Blogger, but my actual post got taken down for some reason. But here's the picture of Martyn today anyway.

Day 110...check yourself before you wreck yourself

May 9

It's amazing how much one's attitude towards life, or just in general, can totally make or break the day.

Today, I was in need of a serious attitude adjustment the whole day. I finally got over myself at the end of the day, when I picked up Martyn. It was SUPER busy for me at work today, I mean I was running all day. Which I suppose is a good thing under normal circumstances, but I just could not get my head around to normal circumstances. It was one of those pity party days, and I was really missing Martyn all day which totally added to it.

When I got home, I realized that it really wasn't that bad....I just needed to check myself.

I did remember to get some chicken out this morning before I left, and put it in a bowl in the fridge, to thaw by the time I got home. That made it a lot easier to come home knowing I would be making dinner, and wouldn't have to wait for chicken to rapid thaw....I hate trimming the chicken after rapid thaw, it's just all the more gross.

Martyn was happy when I picked him up....and mellow. Janelle said he had a good day, and even went down for a nap in the play pen, which she hasn't been able to get him to do yet...usually he naps on the couch. I was excited to hear that because, for one I think he's going to out grow the bassinet before we boot him out of our bed, and two, the play pen was my original crib idea so that's where he would get booted to....I still think it will be a while before that happens though.

Janelle also said her dog was sick and had to spend the night at the vet. I felt bad for her, remembering what that was like for us when Sheba got into the slug bate, last summer.

It was so uplifting to just snuggle and play with Martyn this evening. He does this thing where, he wants to stand up on my lap, but his legs get tired after a minute or so....so he will clasp his hands together, and put them to his face while I'm holding him up on my lap, and when he does that I'll lean him towards my shoulder and hug him. That takes the weight off his legs, and he then just buries his face into my shoulder, and will kind of kneel in my lap for a few minutes. I'll hug and squeeze him a bit, and talk to him, and rub or pat his back a few times, and then he's ready to stand up and look around again. It's kind of his new favorite game, and I sure enjoy it too! I think he's going to be an affectionate, snuggly boy...at least for a little while.

While I was making dinner, I sat Martyn in his little rocker, facing me at the stove, but out of the way of anything hot, that might pop on him. He just chatted me up. I love it how he just wants to tell me all about his day. So when he was quiet for a bit, I decided to tell him all about my day, and it also really lifted my mood, to watch his little face as he listened to me talk to him...as if he understood me and was genuinely interested in what I was saying...what a good boy!

Tomorrow is going to be a better day.

Day 109...Best Mother's day gift

May 8

It's very simple.

You can not tell by the picture, but I am rocking Martyn's little rocker with my foot, and he is sound asleep...very cozy.

I was watching him sleep, and decided I needed a picture of the best gift I've ever been given...my beautiful sleeping son.What a precious gift indeed! Worth more to me than anything I could ever imagine. When I'm away from him, I can't stop thinking about him....just like when I was pregnant, and my thoughts were consumed with "baby stuff", my thoughts now are consumed with the love I have for my son. It hurts to be away from him, sometimes.

It seems like there should be more to say about this matter, but like I said...It's very simple. Martyn Lyle Loehrke is the best gift, of any day, Mother's day or not, that I have ever received.

Day 108...baby shower fun

May 7

Baby showers typically have not been a lot of fun for me in the past... That was before I had Martyn however. I think I need some growing up to do also....but today was one of the best baby shower's I've ever been too! It was so much fun! I really like that more fun than getting to show off Martyn, was getting to bless my friend, and enjoy a sort of fellowship with her and her family and friends. I don't know Jill very well yet, but I really like her. From the first time we met, on New Years, I've liked her.

Going to her baby shower, and seeing how much her family especially, and her close friends care for and love her, was just super cool. It really blessed me, to get to see that.

Of course it was great fun to get to show off Martyn too, even though he wasn't the only baby there....and not even the youngest baby there either. That was pretty cool too. He's a good boy, and didn't have a major freak out until close to the end because it was bed time for him...mama lost track of time because she was having such a good time, ha!

On the way home (from way NE Vancouver) I was thinking about the group of ladies I had just met, almost all of them for the first time...including both of Jill's sisters. I like seeing people interact with their friends and family, who are close to them. But even who are not close exactly, like me for example. All those ladies had never met me before, yet they still really kind of took me into their circle. It was nice.

That's something I feel like I'm missing in my life. A group of women my age, that I'm close with...and have things in common with. I do have that, but none of them live near to me. I miss having my girlfriends....the other thing about that is that a lot of my good friends, who live in other states, don't have a huge amount in common with me, now that I have a baby. They are still my close friends, and would do just about anything for me....but the dynamic of our friendship, have changed drastically since I've been married to Eli, and especially now that I have a son.

I was thinking about my baby shower, before Martyn was born. Those ladies, a lot of them now related to me by marriage, really have taken me into their family. My baby shower was awesome, and I felt so loved and blessed by it....(I still haven't done my thank you cards, I'm so lame!) Still though, I don't have a lot in common with a lot of them. I suppose that's just something I'll have to work around.

I like feeling like it's ok to have female friends...even more than that, I'm realizing the need for close friendships...often times in the past, I have just gotten fed up with the caty-ness that often goes a long with women, and have just gotten along with men better than women. It's not that I don't get along with women exactly...I just don't feel like putting up with the bitchiness I guess. I know I'm totally capable of being bitchy...but I'm pretty low maintenance and that's the difference. I've never had the mentality that another women is my enemy...and sadly, that seems to be how a lot of girls are raised. There's always competition with each other, and I just don't get that.

It was really cool to be surrounded by a group of women, and not feel like they were competing with each other, or with me. Very refreshing.

Martyn totally turned into a pumpkin right on time, while I was still at Jill's house. So I figured it was time to leave. When we got home, I was beat! I pretty much just took him straight to bed, and stayed there with him. It was a great day!

DAy 107...TGIF!

May 6

Oh my, am I glad it's Friday! Not that it has been a particularly good or bad week, I'm just beat!

It was kind of a slow day at work today, which was nice, but made the day drag on. I find myself on slow days, day dreaming about Martyn....about spending time with him, and playing with him..cuddling him, and nursing him...watching him grow and discovering what kind of person he is and will be. It sure does make the long days away from him, not feel so bad.

Eli went to game night tonight and Martyn and I just stayed home and hung out. I was kind of looking forward to that, but I had Martyn in bed by 8 pretty much and then had the rest of the evening to myself, which was really nice. I had time to just kind of reflect on the week, and relax.

Before bed though, I scrubbed the tub out. I mean really scrubbed it out and rinsed it really well. I haven't done that in a while and have been putting off taking a bath with Martyn for a while....I've just been taking him in the shower with me, which is fine but sometimes I just want to take a bath with him. He certainly enjoys it more. I think he's going to be a great swimmer. I looked all over and there's no salt water pools on the west side, that are public. There's one pretty close to us, but it's for Sunset Athletic club and you have to be a gym member to use their pool, and that's way too expensive.

So I think I'll just have to take him to a regular pool. I REALLY would rather not, but it's kind of the only option available to us right now. Either way, I think I want to get started on it pretty soon...I gotta find him a little clothe diaper/swimmer suit.

I'm going to a friend's baby shower tomorrow and really looking forward to it, have been looking forward to it for a while now. Martyn is coming with me, I think he'll have fun too.

Day 106....hey, it's' Oregon

May 5

Cinco de Mayo!

Eh, that's not really any celebration for me, personally I think it's just an excuse for people to get drunk with lime in their beer, and I think that's silly.

What a day! Not super slammed busy, but I feel like I got a lot accomplished at work today. While talking with a couple of the techs, I had sort of epiphany. We were talking about how the techs are treated as far as fair payment, and I was trying to be sympathetic, but I'm an hourly employee so I just really don't understand. I also get paid for overtime when I work overtime, the body techs don't....but they are kind of required to work over time, which is really lousy.

One of them asked me if I would be bothered if I were still at my same wage, in 5 years. I kind of blurted out, with out really thinking about it, "I'm not gonna be here still in 5 years....."

After thinking about that this afternoon, I came to this conclusion; there are two questions I need to ask myself, 1. Where do I see myself in 5 years, and 2. Where do I want to be in 5 years?

They may seem like the same question, but in fact they are very different....with very different answers. I'm still thinking about both. I was also thinking about that, not just for me but for my family as well. I've never really been a goal setter. Just something to consider.

I got the johnny jump up out tonight, and we gave Martyn a test run in it. He's totally holding himself up fine, but the seat is still just a bit big for him, so he needs a blanket tucked in with him, so he doesn't sling himself around too much. We had him in it for a good 20 minutes before he decided he was done....it was pretty cute I have to say. I think when he's a little bit bigger, he will really enjoy it.

Day 105...what a lovely feeling

May 4

The thought occurred to me a little while ago, that this coming weekend is Mother's day....it will be my first official Mother's day! That's kind of exciting...I sent Eli a text message to remind him, when I remembered.

It is a beautiful day today...makes me kind of sad to be at work. Speaking of work, I got my blood test results on my online account for my doctor's appointment yesterday. I'm perfectly healthy. I think I must just be having baby with drawls, and sleep deprivation...which means tonight the boy is going to bed at 8, and mama is going to bed no later than 9.

I like having Martyn in the bed with us, so I can nurse him. He wakes me up about every hour though, because he's learning how to roll over and keeps doing that in the night....then, he's all cuddled up to me, and wants to stretch his legs out, and kicks me or digs his toes into my belly button or side. Since I'm all groggy when that happens, I automatically assume he is wanting to nurse, which isn't necessarily true. But then I spend a few minutes trying to get the boob into his mouth, which wakes him up and wakes me up even more...it's a vicious cycle. I think we just need a king size bed, then we wouldn't have this problem, ha! (Actually, that's not a bad idea...)

It's only Wednesday, I'm still all thrown off by Eli having half the week off. I feel like today should be Friday...or yesterday should have been. I'm really looking forward to this weekend...hopefully it will be nice out too. Yesterday, I took Martyn across the street to meet my favorite neighbors for the first time. The lady Joan, wasn't home but her husband John was. Martyn was just all smiles and I finally got to hear him giggle, while John was talking to him. I think Martyn likes dogs, hats, glasses and mustaches....all those things seem to get smiles and laughs out of him. Either way, it totally made my afternoon. I'm looking forward to hearing more of those giggles, they're so cool!

I think he's nearly ready for the johnny jump up too. He can hold his head up very well and stand up on his own, with just me balancing him, for quite a while. He's even started pumping his legs a bit when he is standing up. I think after this weekend, or possibly on Sunday, I'm going to go and get him his little 4 month pictures....or I may just wait a little longer, we will see. He's not quite 4 months yet, but he's ready for some studio pictures.

We walked down to our neighbors tonight, to visit with them and introduce Martyn for the first time. They have this huge blueberry patch down in the lower part of their back yard and were working down there when we arrived. They also have all lining their driveway, all different colors of tulips, and Hyacinths, and daffodils growing all over. I love walking by there. The sun was really shining nicely this evening, not too hot but very warm and comfortable. Our neighbors John and Joan are super cool. We don't know them that well but I've always liked them ever since we moved here. They both are really friendly, and down to earth. I met John first, when we moved here and have always been struck by how friendly and warm his smile is. They are an older, hippie couple. They like gardening and run the blue berry farm in the summer time. As I suspected, they were very happy to visit with us. We let Sheba off the leash so she could run around with their two little pugs, Gus and Holly. Sheba promptly found a big mud hole to splish-splash about in.

We ended up staying down in the field and visiting with them for about an hour, it was really awesome. I handed Martyn over to Joan, and I could tell she really savored holding a baby....I'm not sure if they have grand kids yet or not...I don't think so though.

I really enjoyed our visit too. I think I would like to visit with them more often. Martyn fell asleep, he was all rosy-cheeked from the sunshine, and teething. Eli did well to keep him mostly shaded when he outside today.

I feel good about today. Every night when Martyn falls asleep in my lap, well before bed time, I can't just go put him to bed. I love cradling and rocking him....just cuddling with him. He's such a sweet sweet boy. My heart is feeling very full tonight. Not that it often isn't feeling full, but tonight especially, I like knowing that my son is loved by so many people....and Eli and I are as well.

It's a good feeling.

Day 104...pff! Doctors

May 3

My doctor's appointment was at 9:10 this morning, so I went into work late. I told Janelle I'd have Martyn to her house at 8:30, so Martyn and I got to sleep in a little....which was nice considering he woke up at 4, and was completely inconsolable for 20 minutes, and I had to physically get up and nurse him sitting up...silly baby.

I didn't realized either, how close the doctor's office was to Janelle's house, until I was bringing Martyn in and realized I would have like 20 minutes. So I came in and nursed him for a little bit, and chatted with Janelle, which was nice. I like her.

Her place is literally 2 minutes away from the doctors, so I let and got the place just in time. They are highly efficient at getting patients through the system, and highly un-personal. I hate that! The PA came in and talked to me a bit, and took my blood pressure three different times....they thought I was dehydrated until my blood pressure was spot on perfect (like it always is, that's definitely a test I've never failed) and I told them I was pretty sure that was not causing the dizziness....I drink a lot of water....though I could always drink more.

There was some question in my mind, about whether or not I may be pregnant again, so I took a pregnancy test just in case, and they took some blood from to run a few tests. My physical exam however, showed me to have perfect health.

For the most part, I'd agree with that. I'm in good health post-pregnancy...and was before, and during my pregnancy. Everything is fine, except I've been feeling dizzy and light headed for the past week and it's really bugging me. Haven't been nauseated, haven't had head aches...they checked my ears and said they both look really good so no ear infection. The only thing I can think of is that my sleep pattern has changed pretty dramatically since I went back to work. But I've never felt like this from being sleep deprived before. I do sleep pretty well over all too.

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see if the blood work gives any clues.

It's always reassuring for me, when I pick up Martyn in the afternoons, that he's happy. Today when I came to get him, I came inside and Janelle was sitting on the floor with Martyn, and her little girl, and Martyn was just talking away to her. It was cute! She said he had just whacked himself with the rattle pretty hard, and made himself cry for a few minutes, and had just calmed back down. It doesn't appear to have left a bruise though so that's good.

So I was right about his crankiness lately too...he has a little tooth bud just barely poking out on the top...no wonder he has been kind of fussy, he's getting some toofs! Sweet boy, he's just growing so fast!

Day 103...busy busy

May 2

Well, this is the start of week three back to work. My goodness. It was hard to get up this morning, but Martyn was once again happy boy. I love that.

It was super busy at work though. Which I'm glad for, but sheesh! It was pretty much non stop the whole day...I found myself day dreaming about Martyn when ever I had a free moment. That was nice. I sure do love that boy!

Eli and I had some wonderful quality time with each other in the evening. It was so nice to just talk with him...I sure do love that man!

I felt pretty ok over all today, still set for my doctor's appointment though. It won't hurt to just go.

Day 102...Oh how I've missed Thee

May 1

It's May day!

Today a year ago, I'm nearly certain, was the day Martyn was conceived....that is fantastic! It's been just a beautiful day today, gave me a much needed dose of vitamin D...Martyn too.

I decided to give the church I was going to last year another chance, so Martyn and I went there this morning...it was pretty good. I forgot what a good church for kids that is...maybe when he's a little older, if we're still going there Martyn will get to really enjoy all the things they have for kids.

I had to take him downstairs to the nursing mothers room in the middle of the service...which was ok, they have a live feed tv so nursing moms can still get the sermon. We went down there before he got wound up, and he was a good boy after that. I love that I don't have to worry about whether or not he's going to be good when I take him places....I suppose that could change some day, but for now it seems I can always just count on him being a good boy.

What a beautiful day it's been. It was kind of too sunny to take the boy out in the yard or for a walk when we first got home from church...he's pretty white and sun sensitive still. I was feeling much better physically, but still really tired, so we just kind of hung out in the house with the back door open. We laid on some blankets, and played for a little bit, right next to the back door, but not in the direct sun light. Then we took a nice long nap. When we got up from our nap, it was about 4:30, and the intensity of the sun was much less, and I felt it would be ok to take Martyn out in it. So we took Sheba for a nice walk, and got some exercise in. I think this was the first time Martyn has stayed awake for the entire ride in the stroller.

When we got home, I decided we still needed some outside time, so I put some blankets down in the grass in the back, and a big cloth diaper, and laid Martyn on his belly on it, naked. It was in the shade. He totally rolled right over from his belly to his back, within a minute of me laying him down. I grabbed the camera, and repositioned him on his belly, in hopes that he would do it again, but no such luck.

That was pretty awesome though, I was totally floored. He just rolled right over. What a good boy! It totally made me feel like it was ok that I missed his first laugh. I realized there will just be somethings that I'll miss "the first" of, but there will be other things that I won't miss....and I'll get to see him do stuff, even if it's not for the first time.

He really enjoyed naked time in the yard. After a little while of laying on the blanket, I took him out in the yard, into the sunlight which was much softer by then, and let him stand up in the grass. He was really interested in the way the grass felt on his bare feet. So I tried sitting him on his bare butt, and he didn't seem to mind that so much either. So I tried laying him on his back, and he did NOT like that one bit. It was like sensory overload for him. I quickly grabbed him up, and stood him back on his feet, or sat him on my leg so he could touch the ground with his feet. He was so happy with that!

I have a feeling he's going to be one of those babies who's always running around naked every chance they get, ha!

I couldn't bring myself to do anything terribly productive in the house yesterday, because it would mean pulling myself away from playing with and enjoying spending time with Martyn. So when Eli got home, we went out for dinner.

We were expecting to watch the Amazing Race, like we normally do on Sunday night, but the stinking new coverage about the death of Osama Binladen was on instead.

Today was a really good day. I felt good, and I got to spend a lot of quality time with Martyn. I feel like that was much needed after being at work the last couple weeks. I think Sunday's may just become my new favorite.