Mar 3
It's always so nice to have Eli home on his weekend days....I love watching him interact with Martyn. He definitely makes up for the time he misses during the week. Today he was playing with Martyn on the floor, and eliciting some super fun smiles, arm flails and kicks. I loved seeing Eli light up, every time Martyn did.
In the afternoon, he took the baby and the dog for a walk. It occurred to me it was the first time in at least 6 weeks that I had been in the house totally alone. It was nice, and kind of strange. I felt like I was missing something, ha!
Life sure has changed. I was talking on the phone to my mom about that yesterday. It's a good change, but man, things will never ever be the way they were...and I'm ok with that, even though they were really good.
While putting Martyn to bed alone for the first time tonight, I was sitting on the bed, rocking him in the dark. I had the bedroom door open and the light from the living room was shining in a little, so I could see what I was doing, but not enough to keep him up. While looking down at his sweet little face, I was reminded of watching someone I know rocking a baby one time at a baby shower. This person was not married yet, but longed to have her own family. You could see it all over her entire being, as she held that little brand new baby, and rocked her.
That image was burned into my memory, and the feeling I felt watching was also burned into my memory. It hurt so bad to see how much love this person had for that baby, and so badly wanted her own baby. You could almost literally see the ache. I've thought of that many times over the years, and was reminded of it tonight while rocking my son to sleep.
I'm so blessed to have been able to have my son in the first place. He is such a blessing, both to Eli and to me. When I experienced that memory, I was only about 15 or 16, no where near being ready to have my own kids. Even when I was grown and out of the house, I wanted to marry and have a family of my own someday, but it was not something I just ached for. By the time I married Eli however, I was starting to feel like I really wanted to settle down and have a family, and what a wonderful blessing my little family is, and has become to me.
First with Eli, who is not like any man I've ever met. He knocked my socks off from the start, and I knew I wanted to marry him, even before we were 'officially' dating. I knew I wanted him to be the father of my children, and I'm so glad he is.
Martyn has completely knocked my socks off as well. When I look at that sweet face, even when it's screaming, my heart just melts and I feel so full...full in the heart.
What a wonderful gift from God...
While I was typing this, Martyn was crying in the bedroom. I got 20 minutes of peace after I put him down asleep. I decided to let him cry, and he cried for 25 min. He's quiet now, praise the Lord! This is the first night since he's been born that I put him to bed, with out going to bed with him, and let him cry it out when he woke up. I'm feeling mixed emotions about this. On the one hand, I'm glad he went back to sleep, and I'm hopeful about establishing a routine with him. On the other hand, my heart is broken to have let him cry for 25 minutes straight! And to not be snuggling with him in bed right now...I love that part of bed time. Though, I can snuggle with him in the morning too, and that's usually easier because I'm not frustrated with him because I'm sleepy and want to go to sleep. In the morning, at least if he's crying, it's a good excuse to get up and get moving.
I should probably go check on him.
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