Day 242...still foggy

Sept 28

I thought I was feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, but a little while after I got to work, the fog returned as well. I was just clueless all day....at least it was not that busy. I like that the weather has cooled off, even though it's supposed to warm up this week.

I've been having a bit of a sore throat, and stuffy runny nose all week too. Martyn has been having a pretty runny nose as well, but I think his is mostly from teething. He's working on his left upper tooth, and it's just barely visible. He's going to be all snaggle-toothed when it comes all the way through.

I think that will be pretty cute.

Day 241...So brain dead!

Sept 27

I haven't been this broke-brained in a long time. Seriously, all day I just could not focus on anything, and yet I had a silly grin all day. It was like I was walking around in the fog of....well I don't know what. It wasn't bad, I was just brain dead all day.

I was strongly reminded of my days as a big pot head (many years ago) where I'd go to bed stoned and wake up with a weed hang over. That's not the same as an alcohol hangover, where you have a head ache and feel sick. A weed hang over is much more enjoyable and tolerable, than an alcohol hang over. You're just foggy in the head all day. So foggy that you can see it in your minds eye. Yet you still feel mellow and easy going.

I totally felt like I had a weed hang over today....I didn't have have a weed hang over, don't worry...I just felt like I did.

Broke-brain-syndrome....that's my diagnosis.

I noticed when I picked Martyn up from the baby sitter, that his left side, upper front tooth is just about to pop through. Poor boy, it's really bugging him too. Pretty soon, he's going to be totally snaggle-toothed, with the left upper and the right lower sticking out, ha! Oh well, he's still the cutest boy ever! I gave him his little tooth brush to chew on as a teether and he seems to like it ok. Hopefully that will help promote the use of the tooth brush in the future.

Day 240...back to work yo.

Sept 26

Catching up. Back to work today.

Day 239...a time for getting cozy

Sept 25

After all that fighting sleep and crankiness last night, Martyn was quite ready to spend the day snuggling with his mama. I had no objection. I just wasn't able to get anything done.

That boy is just pulling up on anything he can get his hands on. It's super cute....and a little frightening!

Day 238...First trip to the Coast

Sept 24

No sleeping in this morning....as usual. Actually, we did sleep in until about 7. I definitely could have kept sleeping, but my baby wouldn't have it.

We got up, and went to breakfast at the Bear. It's fun to take Martyn to places like that now, since he can sit in a high chair and be happy with a toy or two, or something from the table. He was such a good boy too, no fussing, or carrying on. Everyone that made eye contact with him got a nice big friendly baby smile, and a lot of people noticed him, but not because he was causing a ruckus. Right before we were getting ready to leave, someone dressed up in a big black bear, with suspenders costume came walking around, and Martyn really liked that. The person in costume, was gracious, and not obnoxious and scary for little kids. They came up to him, very gently, and patted him on the head, and kind of stood there and let him take it all in. He smiled really big, his eyes just wide open, looking up at this giant teddy bear. It was really cute.

After that, we came home, packed up really quick and headed out to Cannon Beach to spend the day with family.

The drive was nice. I didn't realize how close we are....it is only an hour and half from our house. I guess I just had it mind that it was much further than that, but really, Cannon Beach is just a straight shot from our house. Martyn had a good nap on the way. When we arrived at the condo they were all staying in, we came up stairs and visited for a little while. Eli was itching to take Sheba for a walk on the beach, so we decided to pack Martyn up, and pack Sheba up with her back pack, and head down to the beach....which was literally just across the street. Stacey and Tucker came with us, while little baby Raiden slept.

It was really windy on the beach. We were walking with our backs to the wind, and it's a good thing too because it would have been like a sand blaster in the face. I let Sheba off the leash and she took off like a rocket. I'm glad we brought the dog back pack. It is really helpful in restricting her movement, and wearing her out enough to keep her from just running full out and getting into trouble. She was so happy! Martyn thought it was just hilarious that she was running all over the beach. Tucker really enjoyed running on the beach too, though at one point he totally tripped and face planted into the sand. Then he sand all over his face, and snot nose. He wasn't too happy with that, but recovered well enough.

We decided to walk back to the condo, through town so we wouldn't get sand blasted. I walked slow with Stacey and Tucker, while Eli kind of took off with Martyn in the back pack. I was kind of chuckling about that, because normally I'm the one who trucks right along, on walks, but Eli was totally cruising.

When we got back to the condo, I got to spend a little time holding and soothing that sweet little baby Raiden, who only wanted his mama....as 1 month old babies generally do. I just can't get over how much hair that baby has! It's like 2 inches long, and super thick all over his whole head. He looks just like what I remember Stacey looking like as a little baby, except with about 3 times as much hair.

It struck me more odd to think of Zeke as being an uncle, then it did to think of Stacey as a mother of two babies. I'm weird like that. Eli even got to hold that little baby. He's so sweet and loving. I'm really proud and pleased with the way Eli has jumped full force into father hood, and now even holding his new little great nephew, like a pro. What a wonderful husband he is, I'm so glad he's mine.

He drove on the way home, and we stopped for dinner at Camp 18, which is about 20 minutes outside of Cannon Beach. It's an old logging camp, with a giant lodge type dinning hall. It was really cool. The food was ok. It was just fun to talk with each other, and play with Martyn, and watch Martyn flirt with anyone who walked by....he does that lot. We ended up talking nearly the whole way home. That was the best part of the trip.

When we got home, and got settled, it was time for bed. Martyn who had slept for most of the way home, had a little while to wake up, then unwind again before bed. But when it was bed time, he just had a full on melt down. I think he was over tired, and he is working on his second tooth. He's also a little bit stuffy and snotty from the teething, so he was having trouble breathing through his nose. He just got so worked up that he couldn't calm back down, or get comfortable at all and just cried and cried and cried. Eli had to go take his alarm clock into the man cave to get some sleep.

I got Martyn in bed with me and did all I could to comfort him. He didn't even want to nurse. At one point, I had to just let him lay with me and cry. He refused to be comforted. It was frustrating because he was so obviously tired, but just would not calm down and go to sleep. Finally he did. I know his throat was probably sore, or feeling raw from all that crying and screaming. Good thing I don't have to work tomorrow.

Day 237...running on 3 hours of sleep

Sept 23

My niece and nephew and their dad showed up last night around midnight. I went to bed on the couch so I could get up easily when they arrived. They drove from Las Vegas. Stacey, had her two little sons with her, Tucker who is almost 3 and Raiden, who is 1 month. Oh my that baby has a lot of hair!

Martyn woke up just before they got here, so I had him up for a while, in the middle of the night. I got them settled, and we all went back to bed....but it was about 1:30. Martyn woke up again at 2:30 and came back to bed with us. He kept me up, or barely asleep the rest of the night.

I was dragging today, because of it. Uhg.

Looking forward to a nice trip out to the coast tomorrow to spend a little more time with Zeke and Stacey, and those babies. Eli said today, while they were here with him, Martyn was really interested in playing with Tucker. Tucker on the other hand, was a little unsure of Martyn. Interesting.

Day 236... Thursday catch up

Sept 22

Martyn had a great day with his daddy today.

Day 235...catching up. again.

Sept 21

Happy baby! He never stops amazing me.

Day 234... 8 months!

Sept 20

Wow! I know I say this every month, but how is it possible that my sweet little baby boy is 8 months old already?

Here's what he has going on...

Martyn is army crawling and scooting like a mad man! He's really quick, and totally mobile. If he wants to go somewhere, or sees something across the room that he wants (and he's on the floor) he goes right to it. He also can sit up from his belly really quickly and efficiently. Sometimes he does that as a method of getting from one place to another. He will lay on his belly, the get up onto his butt, facing the wrong way, then lay back down scoot a little, get back up facing the right way, and so on. He's starting to actually crawl a little bit more every day.

He'll get up on his hands and knees and rock back and forth, or get up on his hands and feet and rock back and forth with his butt up in the air.

He is totally pulling up on anything he can get his hands on, but his favorite is the coffee table (because it's easily accessible.)

He babbles constantly, from the moment he wakes up, until he goes back to sleep. I've noticed his "happy sounds" are "dadadadada". His "unhappy sounds" on the other hand, are "mamamamamama". (oh well.) He recognizes Sheba as his 'doggie' and lights up like a Christmas tree when he sees her. She also seems to really enjoy him, and will let him pull her hair, and pat her face and muzzle, with nothing more than a glance....if she gets tired of him, she just gets up and walks away. He's learning pretty well, to pet her gently and not always pull her fur.

He understands certain spoken/signed words, like more, hungry, eat, ninny, Sheba, mama, daddy, blanket, and most importantly, no no, or don't touch....well, he's still learning those last two. I think he's getting it though.

He has one tooth fully sticking up, on the bottom, and the one right next to it is just barely breaking through. I can see it, but can't feel it yet. He eats a lot. He has a bowl of (baby) cereal mixed with a jar of fruit for breakfast, a jar for lunch and sometimes a jar for dinner. And at least 10 oz of milk, before I get to him in the evening....then he nurses probably 3 more times before bedtime, and still wants to nurse at least once in the middle of the night....usually around 2 or 3 in the morning.

He's still only sleeping the night through in the crib, about 10% of the time. We have to be really careful if we leave him in the bed alone (in our bed, not the crib) because he will totally crawl over the edge if he wakes up. He doesn't have any concept of "over the edge".

He's wearing 9-12 month clothes....more 12 months than 9 months, all his 9 month clothes are a bit snug, but still fine.

He can be set in the play pen for about 10-15 minutes at a time and entertain himself with his toys, or blanket or pacifier, and give me or Eli a few minutes to get things done, like the dishes or get dinner started when it's not safe for him to be crawling around on the floor....which he would much rather do, but he'll settle for the play pen for a little while.

He's very curious about everything. We have had to start putting up outlet covers, and things like that... because he will go right to them and tap his little fingers all over them. He loves to play peek-a-boo. Sometimes if he has the blanket, or rag right in reach, he will pull it up in front of his face and wait for someone to say "where's Martyn?" Then he will bring his arms down really fast, and smile really big, especially if someone says "there he is!" It's really cute, especially because he'll just do it randomly on his own.

He's an extremely happy boy, over all. It's just awesome! He's funny, and has a funny little personality. He really enjoys people, and watching people. He is starting to be anxious about strangers though, and sometimes gets a little mama clingy....even with people he knows.

He's just wonderful. I love him.

Day 233...a personal day

Sept 19

So while getting ready this morning, I was really thinking strongly about taking a personal day. Martyn was sleeping on our bed, but I hadn't 'secured' him with pillows. I was in the kitchen making my lunch, thinking I should go check on him, when I hear this beg crash and scream. I ran in the bedroom like lightening, and my poor baby was screaming, and scooting away from where he had fallen out of the bed, next to the night stand on Eli's side. It was like he was trying to get away from the hurt.

I grabbed him up and held him close for a minute. Then checked him over. He had a pretty good goose egg, with a little skinned part, right above his ear. Oh I cried right along with him. He calmed down after a couple minutes, and I said "that's it! I'm staying home today!" So I took a personal day with my baby.

It was much needed. He was kind of mama clingy all day, but I was glad to be there for him. For bonking his head the way he did, he was actually pretty happy all day. It was good.

Day 232...waiting out the frustration

Sept 18

Waiting for other people, to do things that affect you, when you don't have any control over it....is very frustrating. That's all I can say at the moment. Other than that, I had a wonderful day with my baby.

Day 231....surprise my love!

Sept 17

What a full day!

It actually wasn't that full, but it certainly feels like it was. We all had breakfast together, and I attempted to give Martyn some eggs. I think I should have given them to him, only though. I had already started feeding him his breakfast of baby oatmeal and fruit mixed together so he had that taste in his mouth already. The eggs, though not seasoned at all, had a really strong taste for him, and made him gag, which made him throw up all over the high chair tray. Poor guy, I felt so bad about that. He was happy enough to finish eating the oatmeal/fruit after being cleaned up though.

Mary Jane and Miriam and I had a conspiracy to surprise Eli for dinner, with a little visit from Robin and Miriam.

We worked in the garage all day and got it pretty well cleaned up. Went to dinner at Clays Smokehouse in SE Portland. It was so good! Robin and Miriam showed up, and also MJ's sister Ruthie (which was a surprise to me too!) It was a good time to be had. A good way to spend a Saturday, after the week I had.

Day 230...Tgif.

Sept 16

So glad it's Friday. It's been a long week. Coming home to Martyn and Eli are always such a great end to a long, hard week. Walt and Mary Jane came into town to spend the night tonight. Martyn had already fallen asleep, kind of early before they got here, and woke up when they arrived. He was funny, really happy to see them and smile at them a lot, but not enough to go to them. He was still kind of sleepy, but really wanted to be held by Mama....his security.

Such a silly boy.

Day 229...it's a better day

Sept 15

That's basically all I have to say. Today was better than yesterday. Jon and Talia sent Eli a box of 'birthday gifts' which were bascially all for Martyn. It was pretty cute. Martyn got loaded up with loot! I think Eli had fun playing with him and the toys all day. I had fun coming home to them having fun with each other.

Day 228...Crazy fits

Sept 14

Upon arrival at work this morning, I knew the day wasn't going to go well. The regional managers truck was in the parking lot. That's never a good thing.

I could tell from the moment we started walk through, that he was in one of his moods....and he started in on me right away...

I don't want to get all into it again, because thinking about the whole day just makes my blood boil. Long story short, by mid morning, I had 'WORDS' with both my manager and the regional manager. I nearly through a crazy fit and quit my job. Seriously.

I'm glad I didn't quit though, but man it was a rough day. Coming home to my wonderful husband and my dear baby, sure did help.

Day 227...My dear sweet boy...happy birthday daddy

Sept 13

Tuesday.

It's Eli's birthday today. Martyn got him, a baby shirt that says "Daddy's rockstar"....I got him a new popcorn popper to replace the one I knocked off the counter a couple months ago. He was pleased with both gifts. I'm pleased with him, as my husband and the father of our son. He's just wonderful at both.

Day 226...My sweet boy...catching up

Sept 12

Monday. I love this boy.

Day 225....catching up again

Sept 11

Wow. It's been ten years since 9/11 already. Crazy! Today, and probably this whole week will be just picture blog days again. Gotta get caught up.

Day 224...All alone, with Martyn

Sept 10

This has been a good day of reflection.

It was the hottest day of the week. Rather uncomfortable. Eli and I got up pretty early because Martyn was in bed with us for most of the night (again.) Eli made us a very yummy diet, and then we went to the store. Why is that people who are going to cause 'shenanigans' are always shopping at Winco when we are? And on a Saturday morning too? What the heck? Actually, it wasn't that bad, but still, c'mon people!

We came home and Martyn was very ready for a nap. He fell asleep pretty quick and I was able to put him in the crib with out waking him. I had planned to crash my mom in law's knitting club with the boy today, but while he was napping I decided I'd better lay down on the couch and rest for a while, before it got too hot and uncomfortable to do that. We both ended up taking about a 3 hour nap, which I think we both really needed. I haven't taken a nap on the couch in a long time though, and I had weird heat-induced couch dreams, ha!

After I fixed Martyn some dinner (fed him a jar of sweet potatoes), I was thinking on what I should have and thinking maybe I would call Eli up and see if the guys were ready for a dinner break and I could join them. Just then the phone rings and it's Eli, asking me if I want to come join them all for Thai food. I was like, yes! Awesome! I love it when he reads my mind like that.

I quickly packed up the boy, and headed over there. After dinner, we walked across the street to some game shop and the guys all kind of shopped around, but didn't get anything. Then we went to a park near by and they played with one of Eli's buddies' RC Car. Martyn played in the grass for a few minutes, and then we went home. The guys went back to their game house.

On the way home, I was thinking who could I call or go see while we're already out and about. No one came to mind, so I just went on home.

I have to admit, even though I love for Eli to get to hang out with his buddies (and they only do this like once a month, or two) I was lonely today. Martyn is wonderful company, and I love that I got an extra day with him...but I was really wanting some company. Not necessarily from Eli though.

I was thinking about all the different friends I've had over the years....and how recently, since I've been in Oregon, it's been very difficult for me to let people in. That's kind of been the case my whole life, but I was able to do that several years ago. And now I'm really wanting those close friendships, and relationships and feel like I'm really missing out on them....yet I don't know how to bring them about. All my close friends live in different states than me. I get frustrated and irritated with Eli, when he brings it up, that I don't really have any girl friends. I always say I do, they just don't live near me. But I want girlfriends who live near me, dang it.

For what ever reason, this is really hard for me to even admit.

I'm in a totally different place in life than ever before. It's kind of funny to me now that I have a baby, I really want friends with babies....or small kids at least. I feel like they would understand the way life is in general with little ones...but sometimes, people with little ones of their own get this, too.

Just feeling out of sorts, and lonely today. Maybe it's the heat, maybe I'm just lonely. I keep thinking I should go to church, and make friends there....but if I'm honest, I'm a lot leery of doing that. It's hard to explain. In fact, now is not the time for that topic. I suppose I'm finished for the evening then.

Day 233...Why are the short weeks always so long?

Sept 9

It's true, every time I have a short week at work, it feels like an extra long week. As much as I've been looking forward to the week being over, I know it's going to be another hot one tomorrow, boo.

I'm looking forward to having two full days with Martyn though...Eli is going to Geek boy game day with his buddies, and will be gone all afternoon and evening tomorrow. So it's just going to be me and the boy it looks like.

I was really hot when I got home tonight, and we decided we needed to go to Home Depot and get safety outlet covers, and also stop by the store and library, and pick up dinner on the way home. Martyn had a major melt down by the time we were leaving with dinner....it was just hot and uncomfortable for him, poor guy.

I was feeling pretty awful myself. I don't know if I was just super hungry or what...but I just had major broke-brain syndrome. I couldn't focus, I felt kind of sick, and dizzy. I'm so glad this heat is only temporary....I couldn't imagine being huge and pregnant in this weather. That would suck!

I was reading this book last night, that has a bunch of different birth stories in it, which made me have really weird labor and birth dreams.....Which is kind of funny to me, but man at the same time just weird to think about. I figured I'd better start reading as much as I can get my hands on, about birth. It's just so facinating to me.

Day 232....Flying baby

Sept 8

It was still hot today....but cooler than yesterday. It makes it a little easier. Tonight I was playing with Martyn, letting him ride on my legs while I laid on my back. It was so funny! He was just cracking up, and giggling and wiggling all over. What an awesome little fellow he is. He just has the funnest personality. I love him!

Day 231...Oh man, it's hot!

Sept 7

Oh its so hot! I am oh so tired. Martyn came to bed last night around Midnight I think, and it was already hot with out him...I hardly slept at all. I have been just dragging all day. I think this week is going to be a week of of sprinkler time!

Day 230...Dang it gotta get caught up again!

Sept 6

Back to work today. So so busy. So hot.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it wasn't great either. And it was hot. That's about it. I'm beat.

Day 229...a wonderful extra day

Sept 5

It felt really really good, for Martyn to sleep the whole night through and then When Eli put him in bed with me this morning, he let me sleep until 8:15! Awesome sauce! I love how when I get the chance to wake up with him like that, he's always just all smiles. I think he was awake for a little while before he said anything to me, and when I opened my eyes, he was just grinning at me, with those big brown eyes and eye lashes a mile long.

My sweet boy.

We just took it easy again today. We went to the store and got the groceries, but didn't do much other than that, the whole day. Martyn is so funny. At the store I had him sitting in the cart, like a big boy. He was just babbling away the whole time. People passing by always would get a big smile, or a curious look at least. They would also give him the baby eyes, because he is irresistibly cute, ha! I get a big kick out of that. I like having a baby who is pretty social, and seems to enjoy and be curious about other people. I am noticing a little bit of separation anxiety in him though. Most of the time, he's perfectly fine until I leave the room, or his line of sight.

Especially if he is tired.

That silly, stubborn boy. Only got short naps today, maybe an hour tops. It was pretty hot too, which made it slightly uncomfortable. I had to take him out side, and refill the dog pool and he yelled at the hose while it was filling the pool up. It was kind of weird. I don't think he was scared exactly, it may have startled him initially, but it was like he was talking to it, and yelling at it. It was kind of funny. I let him dip his feet in, to cool off a bit and he seemed to like that briefly....it was kind of shocking.

Earlier today, he had all this energy built up, and was bouncing around in my lap. I put him down on the floor and he just started scooting all over the place. Which was fine with me, but he kept trying to go into the kitchen, which I told him "no babies in the kitchen"....the concept was lost on him, unlike Sheba ("no dogs in the kitchen"). He finally went down for a third short nap around 6:20pm or so....Eli got home right after that. I don't know what that boys deal was today. He was pretty happy over all....I think he must be working on some more teeth, because he's super drool factory and has spit rash all over his face and bottom. Poor baby. It was hard getting him to bed tonight.

I gave him a bath, which usually helps soothe him nicely for bedtime. But even that didn't help a lot. I got him a little baby tooth brush today and had fully intended to start a bed time ritual, including teeth brushing, but I forgot. I guess I'll start it tomorrow, ha! It's never too early to start good hygiene habits.

It's supposed to be hot this whole week. Uhg. Not looking forward to that one bit. I've been trying my hardest to put last week behind me, and move on....the lame thing is, I keep going over things I should have said to my boss, or thinking about how this week is going to be. Why do I do that? I'm a pretty calm, easy going person 90% of the time. It usually takes a lot to get a rise out of me, or at least it used to. This whole stupid situation has got my anxiety level way up. When I start thinking about it, I can feel my heart rate jump up, and my pulse is just pounding in my chest and ears. I don't like it one bit.

Lord help me.

Day 228...Still in love with Sundays

Sept 4

Seriously? They are just the best! Sundays I mean. Martyn let me sleep in until about 6:45, which is ok. Martyn and I pretty much just hung out all day. I got a couple loads of clothes through the wash, and we took a much needed nap in the middle of the day, out in the man cave where it was semi-cooler. Oh man, that was great!

I've been looking forward to that so much, after this past week. Later in the afternoon/evening I took Martyn to Jonathan and Jamie's house, because Jerusha and Jake were there with all their little ones, including their brand new little one, Declan. It was a great visit! Made even better because the Lees came by too....it's always a treat to visit with the Lees, and I really need to make a much better effort to get out to see them more often....The Mathews (Jonathan and Jamie) as well.

I didn't get home until a little after 10, but Eli was still up reading. I'm glad, because I missed him and it was good to talk to him for a few minutes and put Martyn to bed, and snuggle up with my husband. What a perfect day.

Day 227...a good visit soothes, some.

Sept 3

I had this grand idea that I was going to get up and make blue berry pancakes, before we packed up, and headed down to Rachel's for the day. Well, first of all Martyn slept in the crib all night, and when he got up at 5:45 he didn't cry. I heard him moving around in the crib and woke up, and got him and brought him back to bed for a bit, then changed his diaper. He went back to sleep and let us go back to sleep, until 8:30! That was some serious sleeping in, and it was awesome! I think that's the first full night sleep I've gotten in weeks. It feels that way anyway.

So we didn't get the early start on the morning that I anticipated we would. I did make blue berry pancakes and was reminded of how bad I am at it....I guess they were ok. We didn't end up getting out of the house until noon or so. We had intended to leave around 11. Traffic was pretty bad on the freeway because there was a fire or something, so I thought maybe it would be faster to take HWY. 99. I don't know why I always get tricked by going that way.

I always forget how it bottles up in Dundee, and just takes for-friggin-ever. I don't know if that way was faster or not. Oh well though.

It was pretty hot out side, and by the time we got there, around 2:15 or so, both of us were ready to be inside for a while. Martyn had a nice nap the whole way, and woke up when we got there. He was quite happy and content to play on the floor and crawl/scoot all over. He is SO close to crawling....it's almost agonizing watching him try because he's just so close! His new thing is to get up on his hands and feet, and stick his butt way up in the air. But then he doesn't really know what to do, so he'll just rock to one side or the other and sit on his butt. He's pretty fast with that army crawl/scoot, but you can tell he wants to be crawling on his hands and knees, and today was totally doing that....for a few seconds at a time. He would crawl a couple "steps" then flatten out onto his belly and army crawl the rest of the way. It was a lot of fun to just play around and watch him, on the big area rug in the middle of the living room.

We had a good visit, and some awesome dinner. Eli and I both ate way too much. It was kind of too hot to go walk down to the park and play disc golf like we thought we might be doing. That's ok though. We were both pretty ready to just crash when we got home. It was a good day.

Day 226...Sometimes, it's lousy being right

Sept 2

How did it get to be September already? This year is just flying by. That's both good and bad I guess.....just the way it goes.

Well, as I suspected, the big one came today. I got written up. I was so angry afterward, that I sent Eli a text message to vent (not at him, but to him) which helped only a little. I just feel defeated at this job. I probably deserved corrective counsel, but certainly not a write up....with threat of "further corrective action, or termination". I really don't want to work for anyone any more. If I have to deal with all the office politics and irrelevant procedures.... I have to admit, I still have a major problem with authority...especially men it seems. I had dealt with this at one time, but I've neglected to up keep the mental state, and positive attitude that keeps this problem at bay.

The worst part is that stupid write up/consultation happened kind of early in the morning, so I was bummed about it the whole rest of the day. I suppose bummed is not exactly the right word....seriously pissed off is more accurate. But, it's better to be pissed off, than pissed on....although, I kind of felt like both had happened.

When I got home, Eli was so wonderful in comforting me. He said all the right things, and so did Martyn....they always make me feel better.

Enough of that. It's all the more encouragement to work towards my goal, for my family's sake and for mine.

Day 225...I know it's coming

Aug 31

Have you ever had that feeling that "the big one" is coming? "The big one", being some problem at work, or disaster at home or whatever...along those lines. For me, it's a correction or termination at work. I don't know which, and I don't know when....but I just have this sense of dread that it's coming soon. Not because I have done anything terribly wrong, but I'll just say there has been some problems since I've been back from maternity leave and in the last week, tensions have been really building.

I don't know what's going to happen, but I know it's not going to be good. It's so frustrating being there. Everyday, I just want to be somewhere else. Just about anywhere else. But I have to pay bills. So I have to be there.

I'm kind of bummed because having to get the car fixed, caused me to miss out on the Labor Douala workshop I need to take for one of my prerequisites. There will be another one, but I just really wanted to get things rolling. I hate feeling stuck.

I'm so glad, however, that my dear husband is supportive and encouraging, of my grandiose scheme to become a midwife, and even with helping me figure out what I need to do to make that happen.

It's good to have a clear goal...haven't had one in a long long time.

Day 224....Midweek? Really?

Aug 30

This feels like it's been the longest week ever and it's only Wednesday! I haven't had a second period, and have been experiencing pregnancy symptoms...but they could also be period symptoms. I took another pregnancy test, just in case and it was negative. We shall see. I not as worked up over the whole thing one way or the other, as I was last week, however.

I've been so busy at work this week...feeling pretty stressed because of my car...totally unable to focus because I keep thinking about the midwifery workshop, and becoming a midwife...possibly pregnant again....not really enjoying my work....feeling like it's such a waste of time, but knowing that it's a necessary evil at the moment. Uhg! Martyn and Eli are the only ones who make it bearable.

Ah well. Only two more days to go, before a nice long, much needed three day weekend for Labor day.

Day 223...It's midweek...Really?

Aug 30

I'm so Thankful for Mary Jane. I know I've said that many times before, and I'm sure I'll say it many more times. She took care of Martyn again today, and then when I got home, she went with me right away to pick up my car. She even fixed dinner for us again, but this time had to leave right after we got done picking up the car.

Sad sad news, Larry dog passed away this morning. I saw her post on facebook today, and it just bummed me out the whole rest of the day. Larry was a good dog. I'm sad he won't be there waiting for us, the next time we go up to visit. She said Walt sounded pretty upset about it, on the phone this morning.

Martyn was so happy when I got home tonight. He was sitting on the floor in front of the kitchen just playing with a bunch of little things Mary Jane had set out for him. As usual, as soon as I walked in the door, he saw me and gave me a big huge smile, then burst into tears. He always does that. It's like he's super happy to see me, and knows I'm going to nurse him, and that is all just too overwhelming for him to handle. Silly boy. I'm not bothered by it at all, but both Mary Jane and Eli seem to think I am. He oddly enough, only does that at home. He doesn't do that on baby sitter days when I pick him up. Weird.

Day 222...the trouble with cars

Aug 29

The alternator in my stupid car went out on the way home tonight. It was making an awful smell the whole way, and I thought I should leave the hood up and let it cool off before poking around in there, when I got home.

Mary Jane and I took Martyn down to the blue berry patch and picked some blue berries. That was fun. It's kind of the end of the season, so the bushes were pretty well picked over, but we found some good ones. When we came back up to the house, Eli was home. Mary Jane, who had taken care of Martyn all day yesterday, and fixed us dinner, and taken care of Martyn again all day today, and fixed us dinner again, whipped up some fantastic blueberry cobbler. She is so awesome!

Eli had decided he was going to go to the store, and take my car...but found it wouldn't start. I went out and tinkered with it, and determined I thought it was probably the alternator. I made the command decision that we would jump the car with his truck, and take it over to the shop where we got his truck fixed a couple weeks ago, right then...before it was too dark, although it was getting dark. We tried to jump the car, and it worked, but we had to do it again before I made it the whole 1.5 miles to the shop. By the time we did the second jump, it was dark enough for it to be kind of dangerous to be having to stop in the middle of the road, to jump one vehicle. Uhg, stupid cars.

We dropped the car off and came home in the truck. The next dilemma was how are we going to get us both to work, and Martyn to the baby sitter tomorrow? The conclusion we came to was that Eli would just ride in the back of the truck, and I would drive, with Martyn in the car seat. That was not the greatest idea. Then the next idea, was that Mary Jane would stay over another night, and keep Martyn home so we could just carpool the truck and not worry about trying to fit the three of us in the truck.

Much better idea.

Then, because she's just awesome, Mary Jane suggested that I just take her car to work. That way she could just head home when I got home. Hopefully my car would be fixed by the end of the day and that would be that.

That was the best idea.

What a wonderful mother in law I have.